What is this, a soap opera?

Am I crazy or did this episode actually feel like a soap opera? We got a mix of hijinks and emotional conversations about feelings, team ups between unlikely allies, vets actually getting to do stuff… I mean it wasn’t a masterpiece, but it at least met the bare requirements of competence? My bar is set real low these days, people.

Outside Kelly’s, Julian is trying to convince Alexis to take a drive with him when Kristina walks up. She wants to know what’s going on. Your mother is making poor life choices, little K. That’s what’s going on.

Hayden’s in the Q living room, confessing her doubts about parenthood to Curtis while Finn eavesdrops. Curtis wonders if she’s worried about being a good mom, or just worried she doesn’t want to be a mom at all. I wonder why she’s living at the Quartermaine’s. Is Monica saving money at the hospital by paying her in room and board instead of a salary? Continue reading

Advertisements

Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day One

Nurses’ Ball time! This episode assumed I care a whole lot more about the state of Nina and Valentin’s marriage and the big Morgan pill mystery than I actually do. Which is not at all in both cases. But still, we got some vets and some fancy dresses, so that’s something, right?

work it, spencers

This year, Burt’s Bees has given Aveeno the boot and ABC’s contractually obligated D-list celebrity host is Mario Lopez, who was barely able to pretend he gave a crap about any of this during his twenty minutes of work: Continue reading

Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Everything’s coming up ladies!

Has everyone read the recent interview Frank Valentini gave AfterEllen about the Kristina/Parker story? Because it’s kind of amazing. And not in a good way:

Parker and Kristina3

We were talking about [Kristina] and the writers said, “Well, why is that?” And one of them said, “I think she’s making bad choices, not because she’s dumb or naive or because she’s a woman.” That’s what we wanted to get away from—we didn’t want it to be she was making bad choices because she was a woman.

I wasn’t aware of anyone being under the impression Kristina’s bad relationships were the fault of her being a woman, but okay. Good to know that imaginary sexist opinion has been debunked… clearing the way for some even more sexist opinions! Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

There’s no joy in Mudville, kids.

Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?

Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:

Julian gaslights Alexis

ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.

I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading

My kingdom for logical character motivations!

I keep trying to care about this show right now, guys. I really do. I’m so sick of hating it. But even when something I’ve been waiting for finally happens, the lack of emotional continuity just gives me whiplash.

Last week: Jason had a heartwarming moment with Tracy and reconfirmed his determination of get ELQ back for the Quartermaines. This week: he and Sam casually betray Tracy by telling Nikolas she’s been working with Hayden all along. No conflict there! Then, later that same day:

Sam confronts Nikolas

SAM: You were so desperate to keep the truth about my husband from me that you hired someone to kill Hayden and when they botched the job, you did what, you married her?
NIKOLAS: Hayden is no victim–
SAM: She’s YOUR victim!

I mean, yay? Sam actually got to yell at Nikolas after months of BAFFLING cordiality. It’s just a little hard to get invested in her sudden moral outrage when a few hours go, she cared so little about his attempts to keep her child from ever knowing his father that she was sincerely offering Nikolas condolences over his failed marriage to a con woman they both despise. Continue reading

Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

Finn meditates

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work. Continue reading

Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading