Sweet, sweet freedom!

Well, obviously not for Shawn, who’s now joining an exclusive club previously populated solely by Blackie Parrish and Matt Hunter, i.e. characters on this show who might actually stay in prison for longer than a few months.

goodbye Shawn

And considering Matt’s offense was basically self-defense against a serial killer and Shawn still hasn’t managed to kill anyone at all (but not for lack of trying! he’s like the little hit man that could!) while Franco, Sonny, and Julian are still wandering completely free, let’s just say the PCPD justice system is chugging along as competently as ever. Continue reading

I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Oh, for Pete’s sake, show. I go away for one measly week and you throw a party and trash all of Port Charles? What did I tell you about trying to plot character motivations while drunk? I said DON’T DO IT, show. But you did, and now Nikolas is taking out hits on his lovers and Anna’s brain has fallen out of her head and we’ve lost Carlos’ sexy silver fox forever. Are you happy now, show? Are you?

Duke's dead

So now I have to go all mom voice and tell you that I’m not angry that Duke is dead. But I am disappointed that a beloved character and one of the only men on this show to ever truly give up the mob for love was resurrected only to betray every aspect of the story and then get pointlessly killed off in a mob war.

I’m not angry that Nina and Ric got married. I am disappointed (and frankly baffled?) that anyone on the writing staff thinks shoving Ric into the Nina/Franco vortex of suckitude with zero explanation or build up was a good way to make us care about any of them. Continue reading

Stupid is as stupid does.

I’m beginning to get a little concerned about the League of Evil, y’all. Do they need ELQ because they’re so collectively broke that they can’t even afford a decent lair? Because I’m not sure how else to explain the fact that they are STILL keeping Luke in the basement of a house where they KNOW people are going to keep wandering around.

Speaking of stupidity, I don’t know what was funnier — the look on Julian’s face while Sonny sang Shawn “I’ve yet to actually succeed at a single task you’ve given me” Butler’s praises?

Julian is skeptical

Clearly thinking: “This is the crack team
that’s foiled my every plan?

…or Lucas trying to guilt Michael into forgiving Morgan by reminding him that his brother is so useless and stupid that he will probably wander out into traffic or climb into the back of a stranger’s van if left to his own devices for too long. (Let’s face it, this is not an inaccurate assessment.) Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading

You can’t spell UGH without GH.

Remember a few months ago when Sonny had just cheated on Dante’s mother with Morgan’s girlfriend over his guilt at killing Michael’s father, and it really seemed possible that all of Sonny’s sons would soon be united in hating him at the same time? That was a nice fantasy.

Morgan and Sonnyfight

MORGAN: This whole time, Ava knew that you shot AJ, and she was using that to protect herself for when you found out that she killed Connie.
SONNY: She played me, but I fell for it, Morgan. Do you understand?
MORGAN: You’ve been dealing with this all alone. And all I’ve done is make things harder for you.

No, you didn’t just have a stroke. Morgan really did just apologize for having the temerity to be angry when his father knocked his girlfriend up and then tried to kill her. THAT REALLY HAPPENED. At this rate, Michael will find out the truth and be planning father/son outings by the end of the week. Continue reading

Exercises in frustration.

It’s been a rough couple of days in Port Charles. Franco was on screen for large portions of time, not telling Michael that Sonny murdered AJ, i.e. the one and only thing that could possible make him relevant.

Jordan was on screen, waving a gun around and not using it to shoot Shawn, even though she practically had an engraved invitation to do so.

Jordan to the rescue1

GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Shawn — whose job description is literally MAFIA HITMAN — was on screen, not getting hit with lightning while complaining that Ava is a “cold-blooded killer” and “a piece of work” because she didn’t agree to be kidnapped like a nice girl. I’m actually not sure which was more funny/enraging — the above dialog, or Sonny berating him afterward for failing to shoot the woman he’s sleeping with so he could deliver the woman carrying Sonny’s child/grandchild for execution.

(Trick question: both things made me want to rage cry until I blacked out from how much I hate both these characters.) Continue reading

Dumb and dumber.

It’s so hard keeping track of the mob hierarchies on this show. There’s the good mobsters, who kill people and do non-specified illegal things — but not drugs! And the gray area mobsters, who kill people and deal cocaine while feeling bad about it — but not heroin!

And of course, the bad mobsters — who kill people and also lace their cocaine with secret heroin, because that seems like a winning business model.

Julian kills Mickey

And it would be one thing if any of them were remotely competent. But… let’s just say that last week, Sonny literally had to stop Shawn from shooting a helicopter down over the hospital. While they were standing right beneath it. That was a thing that actually happened.

Meanwhile, Julian gave Mickey an ultimatum and was shocked — SHOCKED, I SAY — when he retaliated against Julian’s loved ones. I mean, it’s not like the exact same thing happened the last time he stood up to his boss. (I hate what they’re doing with Julian right now. I hate it so much. Not only is he lying to Alexis in really unforgivable ways, but he’s doing it in the service of a plot that continuously requires him to be a complete idiot.) Continue reading

I think I’m in love.

Consider this your official Jordan Ashford appreciation post, guys. Because everything about her is giving me joy right now. Undercover DEA agent! Making plans with Anna! Bad ass ladies being awesome together! IT’S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.

Jordan and TJ

ALSO: REALLY AMAZING HAIR

I’ve been on Jordan’s side since she showed up in town. But to be fair, I’d have been reflexively on the side of just about anyone getting judged on their moral failings by the local killer for hire. Continue reading

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Well, it’s official: Sean Kanan’s leaving. To say I’m disappointed would be something of an understatement, but there have been rumors for months, so it’s not exactly a shock.

Rather than rail about all the wasted months languishing off screen in jail or arguing with Tracy about relish (when they should OBVIOUSLY have been making relish together on the assembly line!) or — most importantly — not having hot sex with Elizabeth every night, I’m going to focus on the one part of AJ’s story that I’ve consistently enjoyed:

AJ and Michael hospital

MICHAEL: I promise if you wake up now, all you have to do is listen. So I can tell you how much I love you. You hear me, dad? You’re my father and I love you. Just please come back.

Every time Michael clutches AJ’s hand and promises to get the bastard who shot him, I swear my heart grows three sizes. And not just because watching Sonny squirm is the most fun the character’s been in years. But even if AJ’s return was ultimately disappointing, at least we’ll always have the satisfaction of Michael finally learning the full truth about all three of his parents, right? Because that is still pretty much priceless for me. Continue reading

Well, that was some bullshit.

So, last week! That was fun, huh?

I mean, sure, Felix referred to Robin as Patrick’s “babymama” and I might have almost reached through the television to strangle him. And yeah, maybe Sonny and Shawn spent just a little too much time casually discussing who to murder next.

Robin Patrick reunion2

But Jason Thompson’s never ending cry face! Sabrina fainting all over the place! Maxie getting slapped! It was pretty great.

Then there’s today. I just… what even was that episode? Continue reading