Secrets, secrets everywhere! If only I could bring myself to care!

Seriously, I know I should be enjoying Todd’s chickens coming home to roost, but the fact that so many of his recent decisions have felt so out of character makes it kind of hard.

Michael comforts Starr

STARR: I feel so sorry for Trey. My dad may be crazy, but at least he always put me first.

That was supposed to be the big “ouch” irony moment, but the thing is? She’s right. Todd may be a lot of things, but Lord, does he love Starr. And he loved Hope too. And I’ve never believed that he wouldn’t have thrown himself to the wolves for either of them in a heartbeat.

(It was also a little strange that all these big baby swap revelations were coming out without Sam present. It’s not like it would have been hard to contrive a reason for her to wander in, either, given her sister’s painful attempts to emote just down the hall.)

Meanwhile, Carly’s priorities remain typically hilarious: Continue reading

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They should put a Surgeon General’s warning on that child.

Guys, I have so many feelings about the possibility that Ellie may die, and Johnny finally, finally coming clean, and whatever unholy abomination is about to result from this Maxie/Spinelli mess. (Not to mention Laura Wright’s fabulous underwear choices, but those are feelings of an, um… different nature.) But even though the possibility of Maxie having Spinelli’s baby makes me want to go on a world-destroying rampage, I’m going to be good and refrain from unleashing a rant until I see how it all plays out.

(Seriously, though. I feel sick just thinking about it. There is not enough DO NOT WANT in the world, show–no, sorry. Being good. Waiting to see what happens.) (Damn it.)

In the meantime: it’s official! If we had to make and Best and Worst list for the first week of 2013, Emma would win Child Most Likely To Make Your Ovaries Explode. By a landslide.

Emma being adorable

So I really don’t feel like I can be held accountable for the embarrassing squeaks that popped out of my mouth during her entire NO REALLY, SCRUBS FANS, WE ARE NOT TRYING TO REPLACE ROBIN conversation with Sabrina the other day: Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!

despair-divider

MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me. Continue reading

So many feels!

I’m sorry, but aren’t sweeps over now? Doesn’t that usually mean the exciting things stop happening and we all tread water for a few months until the next big stunt? So why — on a random Monday, mid-December — is everything BLOWING MY MIND?

Anna Faison2

I mean, wow. Just–wow. You know something is working when the on screen reunion of a couple who existed entirely before your time can still give you the shivers. But how could it not when the tension of seeing Anna with fake!Duke while real!Duke languishes in captivity has been building for so long?

Also Anna! Juggling horrified rage and desperation and protectiveness and generally making me worship at her feet with faces like these at the sight of her greatest enemy and her greatest love in the same room: Continue reading

Waving the white flag…

All right, show. I know we’re kind of in a fight right now. But yesterday, the dudes were discussing poetry and feeeeelings while the girls stuffed bills down Magic Milo’s underwear, so I’m calling a temporary truce. Because this? Needs to be documented for posterity:

IS THE SHOW DRIVING YOU TO DRINK TOO, KONNIE?
I UNDERSTAND, GIRLFRIEND.

I think this is literally the only time Milo has been on screen that I haven’t rolled my eyes once. (Although when he was dutifully swatting his own ass with that kerfuzzled but hopeful look on his face, I did have the slightly uncomfortable feeling that I was watching someone mentally challenged being taken advantage of.)

But you know what? He has more skill as a stripper than he’s ever shown as a bodyguard (exhibit A: the fact that he was doing this at all when he was supposed to be protecting the guest of honor) so who am I to deny a boy a chance to make a living?

Continue reading

Personal growth? Didn’t they outlaw that in Port Charles?

Is is just me, or is has Carly gotten way more tolerable lately? And I realize we’re talking about the same Carly who earlier this week reacted to the news of Jason and Sam’s divorce with disgust that Sam — who’s been shot in the babymaker, kidnapped multiple times, raped, impregnated, and lost her baby because of her association with Jason — would wimp out and give up after the first teeny, tiny, little bump in the road. Yes, that Carly. (I know.)

But! Other than that minor slip to previous obnoxious form, Carly’s been surprisingly not horrible since the new team took over. Snarkily befriending Todd, calling Johnny out for being a rapist… and okay, she did still get back together with him afterward, but even that was sort of a sign of growth, right? I mean, she realized she was hardly in a place to throw stones when it comes to despicable behavior!

And then, there’s this:

CARLY: You know, Elizabeth helped a lot. You know how we talk about Jake and how Jake helped you get better? And now you have a piece of him inside of you? This is Jake’s mommy. We’re really grateful.
ELIZABETH: [visibly struggling to hold it together] You’re welcome. Continue reading

Now that’s good soap.

Because I am very ego-centric, I am choosing to believe that the show heard my complaints and decided to turn things around this week. I admit, Monday was practically a perfect episode. It seemed to go on forever (in a good way!) and I don’t remember the last time this show gave me butterflies. Kuddos!

My co-blogger covered most of my praise (Sam and McBain 4-EVA!), but my favorite part was probably Todd’s reaction to Carly and Johnny making out, mostly because it mirrors my own so well:

TODD: *gagging noise* Sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Heh. Despite his history, and his current actions… and myself, I kind of, sort of love him.

The rest of the week, although not as stellar, didn’t consist much of Sonny, so I would give it an overall positive evaluation. Continue reading

Let’s hear it for teamwork!

Oh my gosh, you guys. SO MANY PARTS OF THIS WEEK HAVE ALREADY BEEN SO GOOD FOR ME.

Let’s start with the miracle of soapy wonderful wackadoodle-ness that is Heather Webber. I know I’m like a broken record here, but, um… she completes me? (Seriously. I feel like my heart grows three sizes bigger every time she walks on screen.)

Are we a great team, or what?

Yes, Heather. Yes, you are.

The only thing I haven’t completely loved about Heather and Todd’s interactions thus far was the fact that he seemed so helpless against her. It was a mild quibble at best, but now that he’s figured out how to send her craziness in the direction he chooses — like the world’s most chipper and unstable attack dog — even that quibble is gone. I mean, why fight a great weapon like Heather when you can simply redirect her? Makes perfect sense.

Speaking of Todd, his relationship with Starr has always kind of been my kryptonite, so can we just pause and take a moment to wallow in the heart-meltiness that was his repeated “I love yous” to her yesterday? Continue reading

Happiness is a good Friday cliffhanger.

I’ve been sick all week — summer colds, you guys, so much worse than winter ones! — and aside from the utter adorableness that is Molly and TJ and the eternal sadness that is McBain joining the club of law enforcement who let Sonny and Jason slide for crimes committed right in front of them… there just hasn’t been much to talk about.

But then today! There was kissing! And plotting! And more kissing! And it kind of made me super happy?

Michael and Starr! I just love them. Starr smiling and letting her competitive streak shine through is an INFINITE improvement over shrieking Starr. And goofy, shirtless Michael? So much more endearing than smug, mob-wannabe Michael. Their awkward flirting warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart.

Meanwhile, Sam and John finally put those secret sibling rumors to rest! Unless RC’s planning to pull a Star Wars on us, which… no. Let’s not. Continue reading

Another one for the “be careful what you wish for” files.

You know what? I wanted to like the big Spinelli/Maxie break up today. Because, first of all, hello! I’ve been waiting for these two to move out of each other’s orbits for, um, forever? And God knows they are both fairly terrible and both deserve a good telling off, and there were some great lines in there that have needed saying for a very long time.

Except I don’t think the show quite realizes that Spinelli is not actually a hapless victim of her evil, feminine wiles? And it is really starting to piss me off.

SPINELLI: I said how about thank you?
MAXIE: For what?
SPINELLI: Getting you out of prison.
MAXIE: Are you for real?
SPINELLI: Or–or! And these are in no particular order, Maxie: saving you from a kidnapping drug ring? Falling through a ceiling and then taking a bullet for you? Years–years! Of patience and understanding. Kindness, encouragement, support… Sustaining belief, the kind which only I can provide.

WHERE TO BEGIN? I mean, Maxie has historically been a fairly terrible friend to him, but there are some really notable exceptions, and one of the biggest is that time she spent MONTHS single-handedly babysitting and nursing him back to mental health after he was shot, when literally no one else in town cared enough to even try and get him help. So, you know, fuck you very much for bringing that up, Spinelli.

Or how about his oft-repeated certainty that he is the only one who could possibly love/understand/support her and therefore how dare she not be with him? Which really puts the cherry on top of the Nice Guy(TM) ice cream sunday of entitlement. Continue reading