Welcome home, friends.

Y’all, it is a good week to be a soap fan. After almost a decade of dire predictions of the death of our entire genre — helped along by a rapid decline in writing and the disappearance of six (six!) shows since 2003 — being a Daytime fan felt a bit like going to a wake every day. And not the fun kind with good music and lots of alcohol.

As primarily ABCD viewers, the two of us mourned the cancellations of Guiding Light and As the World Turns (the distant cousins you see once a year at family reunions) and Passions (everyone’s favorite crazy druncle) at a bit of a remove. And though we lost Port Charles, we still had, you know… actual Port Charles.

Losing All My Children and One Life to Live was different. They were our sisters, you know? Maybe we didn’t see either of them regularly or have a lot in common, but we found comfort in knowing they were always there, just a phone call (or a stop in line at the grocery store) away. And losing them hurt. A lot.

Vicki and Clint

Brooke and Adam


It’s a brave new world, people! Not only is our show good again, but the rest of band’s getting back together! And sure, format’s changed a little, but if that’s the price we have to pay for the dead to rise and live again? I’ll take it. Continue reading


This is the song that never ends…

Guys, I think it’s time to face a painful reality. We’re just… we’re never getting rid of this D.I.D story, are we?

It’s been over a year now, and I think I’m finally starting to come to terms. I was in some strong denial there for a while, but hearing Kate realize she’d been gone for five months kind of kicked my denial in the face. (Five months! That’s how long this stage of the story has been going on! And that wasn’t even the beginning! Not by a long shot!)

Now I’m stuck on bargaining. Because I thought the writers and I at least had an agreement wherein I would ignore all the plots that drive me to drink and they wouldn’t force me to sit through episodes that contained all three at once. Judging by this week thus far, though? Not so much.

Connie's back


On any given day, I can roll my eyes through Todd and Carly gassing on about how neither of them has ever loved before, even though both of them spent the better part of the last year obsessed with completely different people. I can sit through Sabrina’s juvenile antics, because hey, at least it gets Jason Thompson’s pretty face on my tv screen. I can even grit my teeth through Konnie and Kate fighting over how Sonny cheated on both of them by sleeping with THE SAME DAMN WOMAN, even though the logical inconsistencies in this story are now large enough to be seen from space.

But I can’t deal with all three at once. JE REFUSE, MONSIEUR CARLIVATI!  Continue reading

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!


MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me. Continue reading

Be still my heart, ladies.

It’s been a really good week for lady friendships in Port Charles in general — whether old ones like Felicia and Anna girl-talking over Duke and Robert, or new ones like Starr helping Molly with her hilariously badly titled novel.

But today was truly an embarrassment of riches. I mean, a whole episode of my girls, Téa and Blair, basically talking about how much they love each other? BE STILL MY BIG, GAY HEART.

BLAIR: Todd is officially behind me.
TÉA: And not between us anymore. We can now connect in a better way–
TÉA: –as sisters-in-law.

Well, I tried, anyway. But seriously how cute were these two today? Even if they never make out — although THEY TOTALLY SHOULD — I just love them to death.

(I have no idea where this Alcazar thing is going, but I’m kind of loving that they’re actually going for it instead of just doing that weird thing where no one notices that an exact look-alike of someone they all knew is hanging around. Plus, Ted King! Who I really like! And really, would it be such a stretch to believe his arms dealer persona was all a CIA deep cover operation?)

Anyway, Téa and Blair weren’t the only ladies making my heart happy today.  Continue reading


How shall I put this? Florencia Lozano and Roger Howarth basically taught a master class in BREAKING ME today:

TÉA: Here’s another possible scenario. I know how guilty you feel for killing my husband–
TODD: I don’t feel guilty for killing Victor. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sorry I inconvenienced you…
TÉA: And I think if my baby died in front of you, and you were given the opportunity to give me a real live baby, I think you’d take it. To avoid hurting me more.
TODD: [voice breaking] Wow. You really think I would do that for you?
TÉA: [voice breaking even more] Yeah, I do. Let me tell you something, Todd. To allow me to love that child all those months, to give me a baby only so he could be taken away from me? You hurt me a thousand times more than you have ever hurt me before. And if that is what happened, may God have mercy on your soul.

Daaaaaaaamn. Since the list of times Todd has hurt her is both long and fairly terrible, you know (and he knows) that that is really saying something.

See, this is why I don’t need hysterical Téa. Because quiet Téa is the more deadly animal by far. She knows Todd so well — knows what he’s capable of, how his mind works, and exactly how to hurt him most. I love the way these two actors play all those years of  history so effortlessly in every look and touch. Continue reading

Dear show: kindly stop wrecking me. Thanks.

Sweet Jesus. I am ugly crying so hard right now.

Where to start? Oh hey, how about Elizabeth handing the baby over to Sam with her heart visibly breaking behind her eyes as Jason looked on, and yet still able to express wistful but sincere happiness for her? Yeah. Awwwkward:

 At least that whole scene seemed like a pretty clear signal that her brief stint of evil was over, all was forgiven, and the truth about the first DNA test need never come out. Thank goodness.

And then she took a break to deal with all her Sad Mom Feels, as you do:

BRITT: You can tell me to mind my own business. I mean, I’ve never really been good at that.
ELIZABETH: Do you know that I have three kids? They’re all boys. Two of them are at home. And my little one, Jake, passed away last year. I can’t even begin to tell you what that feels like. I keep thinking about those moms in there and how they must feel and how unfair it is that one of them gets to experience the joy of a reunion and the other one is gonna have everything taken away from her.

Oh, Liz. Honey. Come here. I NEED TO HUG YOU NOW. Continue reading

Oh, thank the soap gods.

So I may have judged the show a bit harshly in my last post. The way they were handling the reveal for Téa was unbearable. Fortunately, today was much, much better.

First we got this:

JOHN: Téa, look at me. Your son was already gone.
TÉA: Prove it. Do you have any evidence?
JOHN: I have the DNA test.

Now, was that so freaking hard!?!

And then we got this:

SAM: I just feel awful that my happiness comes at Téa’s expense.

This reflection is consistent with Sam’s feelings prior to yesterday and I’m glad they went back to those sentiments.

Continue reading

For the love of God, grow a pair, Port Charles!

I knew I would hate the resolution of this baby swap story, because the idea of seeing a mother have her child ripped away from her was never going to be anything but painful for me. But this? This was just THE WORST.

These people had days — DAYS — to tell Téa that her baby was gone and this child wasn’t hers. They had to wait until he was just about in her grasp again, when Sam had him and wouldn’t give him to her, to actually tell her. And then they STILL didn’t actually tell her. (And of course, they didn’t even have to go to court to get the baby’s guardianship changed! Who needs court ordered blood tests? Any old one in the lab — that was previously doctored, BTW — will do!)

Poor Téa is surrounded by a bunch of cowards. I was so tired of Todd avoiding this, but I expected it from him. John and Anna not telling her at a more delicate time is enraging. Why wouldn’t Anna tell her? Wouldn’t the police commissioner tell her if no one else did? Gah.

Dear RC, baby deaths, swaps, removal from parents or babies generally in peril is not entertaining. Cut it the fuck out.

God, I really hate this show right now.

We’re gonna need earplugs on Monday, aren’t we?

Although my love for her is well documented, I can admit: hysterical Téa is not my favorite flavor of Téa. And there’s probably more to come when someone finally finds the guts to tell her the truth about little Victor. So that will be fun!

But I do so love to see her and Todd in desperate, huggy, comfort mode. Especially because the count down to her hating his guts again is rapidly approaching zero. Let’s just bask in the love while we can, shall we?

So sweet! Why can’t they stay like that forever, seriously? WHY DO YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS, RC?

Anyway, one thing I’d been afraid of was that because she wasn’t a regular on this show, Téa’s reaction to the baby swap coming out might be given short shrift. So it’s been nice to hear nearly everyone who’s learned the truth pause and take a moment to think about how horrible this revelation will be for her. Nice show of empathy, PC residents! Continue reading

Look at your life, Todd Manning. Look at your choices…

… because they are always TERRIBLE.

So, baby swap! I know it’s an overused cliche on soaps in general, but General Hospital actually hasn’t done a good old fashioned swap story in a long time, and I would be fully on board with this one going down, except… enough with the dead babies, already! Seriously! We just got past Starr in shriek and cry mode 24/7 and now we’ve got to go straight into Sam — and then, presumably, Téa? — doing the same? DO NOT WANT.

And I wish they could have had Heather engineer the switch without making Todd complicit. Not because it’s out of character. But, damn. This is going to hurt bad when the truth comes out:

TODD: I know what it’s like to have something inside of you that needs revenge. To hurt the people that have hurt you. But that’s how I felt about Victor, and look where that got everybody. Let’s do better, huh? Right? Let’s be people who don’t do things that they later regret.

Killing me! He is killing me with all this mature retrospection piled on top of seeing Sam grieving over “her” baby’s corpse and not confessing the truth to her immediately. Todd! Stop being a freaking soap opera character and actually do the thing that makes sense for you to do! Argh! Continue reading