1. We finally see who’s hunting Stefan and Damon in the future! And it’s their mom! Only not really because Damon’s all hopped up on werewolf blood and hallucinating. We do get a quick blurry glance at the real mystery killer, and am I crazy or does she look slightly Elena-ish? Honestly, who the hell knows at this point. I’d be shocked if the writers even knew who it was.
2. Back in the present, Cute!Matt asks the most pertinent question ever: WHY IS ENZO STILL HERE? This is why you’ll always be my favorite, Matty. And then Enzo gets tranquilized by a team of mysterious commando hunter dudes and carted off in a cage and I’m sure we’ll never see him again! (Shh… just let me have this moment.) Continue reading
1. Alaric and Caroline are engaged in the future. OKAY, NOW THIS SHOW IS JUST ACTIVELY FUCKING WITH ME.
Aside from the fact that they have zero chemistry — and possibly the most they’ve ever interacted was when he tortured her while he was evil — this is just gross. And I know that on a show where 35 years olds plays teenagers and characters celebrate their bicentennial birthdays, relative age gets kind of wonky.
But let’s keep in mind the fact that Alaric was Caroline’s high school teacher. He’s a twice widower and the adopted dad of her best friend. If we accept that age gaps like Elena/either Salvatore brother are acceptable because being turned into a vampire retards emotional maturity at the age of death, then Alaric is a grown ass man dating a 22 year old with whose emotional growth stopped at 17. Continue reading
1. Bonnie and Enzo make out in the future. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. My sweet Bon Bon’s future lips have been besmirched by that smarmy dickhead. This is honestly one of the most upsetting things that has ever happened on this show.
They also get a snarky meet cute in the present to try to justify this heresy, even though they’ve barely spoken two words to each other before now. Truly, this is the darkest timeline.
Oh, and also Bonnie is in a mental institution and apparently made a mistake that cost her someone she loves. Since we’ve now checked in with most of the main cast in the future, that leaves… Jeremy? Maybe?
2. Damon/Valerie/Stefan road trip! Not as fun as a Bonnie/Damon/Alaric road trip, that’s for sure. But Stefan found out the truth about why Valerie never came back for him, and in typical fashion for this show, somehow that cancels out the fact that she’s a vindictive, murderous asshole who was torturing Caroline two days ago. Continue reading
1. Future Alaric has semi-creepy toddler twin girls! No mom in sight, but Damon does show up to flirt with/threaten him. They clearly have not seen each other in a long time, as Damon doesn’t have an invite and didn’t seem to even know about the girls. I guess that means that he’ll probably be desiccating himself within the next year in order for the timelines to work?
2. Back in the present, Caroline and Stefan tag team the murder lesbians to remove her vervain skin curse! And finally have sex with their emotions turned on! Go teamwork!
The murder lesbians also worked out some of their personal issues, which I would care about more if they weren’t, you know… murdering people left and right. Shut up, murder lesbians. Continue reading
1. This week’s flash forward features perhaps the most tragic death on this show yet: Stefan’s beautiful little red car! Which he torches for… no obvious reason. How would that help him escape whoever’s chasing him? WHAT ARE YOU DOING STEFAN? Put it into storage if you’re not going to use it anymore. Jeez.
Also, we get a cameo from Tyler — hi, Tyler! — wearing a power suit and not wanting to deal with Caroline and Stefan’s drama. I feel that, girlfriend. Continue reading
1. So Tyler is apparently off with Jeremy now? I would kind of like it if everyone who leaves this show from now on gets a throwaway line about how they’re now off with Jeremy, until there’s basically an entire traveling circus of character cast-offs following him around off screen.
True story: I tried to save this cap as “Matt is dead
again” but I already had one with that name
Sadly, while his BFFs are off having adventures together, Poor Matty Blue Eyes is still stuck being the butt monkey of Mystic Falls. I so want this season to be a good one for Cute!Matt, y’all. And by that, I mean that I would like him to give all of these assholes the finger on his way out of town to a better, drama-free life. Continue reading
In an effort not get completely burned out on these recaps again, I’m going to switch over to this format and see how that goes. Because, guys? I think this season might actually be good for me. I know, I thought that last year and then it all went spectacularly downhill. But hope springs eternal, etc.
1. So, Caroline and Stefan are still awkward and adorable! They’re also trying to be friends again but also unable to get past Stefan’s big confession of love. There is some sexy splinter removal, though, and in the end Caroline give this speech: Continue reading
Previously on Vampire Diaries: Red wedding, VD style!
We open a surprisingly decent finale to a real mixed bag of a season on the first of many dream sequences. Damon is laying out on the road where he and Elena met, still dressed in his wedding finery. Elena walks up and asks how bad it is, but he deflects.
Meanwhile, back in the real world… it’s pretty bad. Alaric sobs, clutching at Jo’s body. RIP, Jo! You were pretty awesome. Meanwhile, Damon’s frantically trying to wake Elena up. But his blood no longer works, so he speeds her off to the hospital. Continue reading
Previously on Vampire Diaries: Twin drama that no one really cared about! Also, I got so fed up with this hot mess that I couldn’t even blog about it anymore.
Buuuuuut… I promised I’d have a reaction if there were any hot make outs, and this sort of qualifies. So here we go: we open on a flashback to Sheriff Liz the day the elder Gilberts died. Present day Liz pulls out the case file for the accident and looks determined.
Over at the high school, Elena and Damon are meeting with some cranky dude about letting Jeremy graduate early so he can start art school. You know, mid-semester, as you do. At first, I thought this was just typically shoddy Vampire Diaries logic, but having seen the ending, I now realize Elena is just really, really gullible. Continue reading
If you’re only here for GH stuff, then feel free to ignore this entire post. If you’re one of the five loyal readers of our Revenge and Vampire Diaries posts: I’m sorry, guys, but I’m not going to be covering either of them regularly anymore.
They’re just too time consuming for two shows I’m just not that into anymore, and my New Years gift to myself is not having to spend hours writing about things I’m not enjoying. Other than, you know, large swaths of General Hospital.
But I’ll still be watching! And if anything especially awesome happens, you’ll probably be hearing from me about it. Like if Bonnie and Damon finally make out! Or if Nolan and Emily finally make out! Basically, just assume you’ll be hearing from me if any interesting make outs occur.