What happens in Port Charles, stays in Port Charles. (Apparently.)

Well, kids, I’m off on a mini-vacation with limited tv/internet access for the next few days. Good thing nothing exciting is happening on the show right now!

Actually, judging by the level of concern some residents have been exhibiting, being poisoned in no big thang. Not naming any names, Sonny. (No, seriously, why is Lulu the only one who seems upset about this whole ‘we’re all going to die in 48 hours’ thing? SHOW SOME REAL PANIC, PC RESIDENTS!)

Thankfully, even on a day filled with far too much badly enunciated mob posturing, Ewen was around to keep things interesting with his trademark cool, calm, and collected handling of the whole situation, as plainly demonstrated by his totally non-demonic crazy-eyed gaze above.

Of course he had to hit Patrick over the head with a baseball bat and kidnap Elizabeth! Don’t you see — tying her up is the only way to make her understand how totally sane he is right now:

EWEN: Despite everything I’ve done. I just really hope I don’t lose you.

Dream big there, champ! I’ll just let Elizabeth’s last expression speak for me on this one:

Needless to say, Liz, a veteran kidnap victim at this point, is holding it together much better than Dr. CrazyAbs. She even managed to sneak in an S.O.S. call to Jason (why call 911 when you have a hit man on speed dial?) who is — of course — already hot on the case.

And yes, my Liason loving heart is pretty pleased to see us getting one last rescue for old time’s sake. It actually makes me a little verklempt to think this may be the last time I’m greeted with a  headline of such biting suspense in the grocery line:

CAN HE, YOU GUYS? I JUST DON’T KNOW. 

We need to savor these moments, people. Savor them while we still can! (Actually, I just imagined an alternate future version of that cover featuring Anna as the town savior instead, aaaaand… it was a very happy place in my head, is all I’m saying.)

Elsewhere, Trey and Kristina (aka THE DUMBEST HUMAN BEING ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH) got married in what both were quick to assure everyone was a legal and binding ceremony. Because clearly, no one has ever managed to get out of a quickie Vegas marriage before. Those suckers are binding, y’all. And Michael let his inner ex-con Hulk rage come out to play for a bit (those two weeks in the joint made him a monster, you guys) and it seemed like he might confess the whole rape trauma to Starr… but no. Maybe later? I’d actually like to see those scenes.

But in the meantime, I’ve been totally distracted from all the Vegas scenes by 1) my crippling lack of caring about any of the parties involved, and 2) the fact that we’re apparently supposed to believe that a mass bioterrorism attack resulting in the quarantine of an entire town wouldn’t be causing mass panic and hysteria throughout the whole country. NO, NO… I’M SURE NO ONE IN VEGAS WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

(And does Blair not watch the news? Why isn’t she calling Starr? Why isn’t Sonny calling Michael and Krissy — oh, that’s right. He has better things to do, like sit around taunting Joe Jr. My bad.)

Last, but not least, I’ve been meaning to complain about Johnny’s hair for a while, but then Todd went and took the words right out of my mouth:

CARLY: I’m pretty sure [Johnny’s] already been infected.
TODD: How? Have you seen the guy’s hair? He’s not big on showering.

WORD, Todd. You are my soul brother in Johnny hate right now. (Psst… dear Johnny: Just because everything about your personality now sucks doesn’t mean that you have to also look like ass.)

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, everyone! I’ll catch you on the flip side.

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9 thoughts on “What happens in Port Charles, stays in Port Charles. (Apparently.)

  1. Jason could have easily stopped Ewen had he gone over to Liz’s himself instead of sending Patrick…who was worried about his daughter, who is his top priority, who he was talking about at the hospital, that he wanted to check on her, but Jason shut him up and told him: “No, go check on Liz!” Now Patrick has a concussion (and Jason Thompson does a mighty fine job of looking good unconscious!) and you’re yelling at him??? JASON IS SUCH A BIG TWIT! I do hope Patrick gets to punch Ewen right between his running lights like he’s punched Coleman, Mayor Floyd, Jerry, and Johnny!

    In the meantime, I must say, once again, Jason Thompson’s getting some really good scenes, and I hope, hope, HOPE we get to see the scenes where he finds out Robin’s alive and who’s responsible for what happened to her, because when those happen, he will absolutely shine, as he always does!

  2. I think the mass panic will start today . . . I don’t think they quite believed it yet. Carly seemed upset too at least.

    “Because clearly, no one has ever managed to get out of a quickie Vegas marriage before. Those suckers are binding, y’all”

    heh, reading that I’m reminded Kristina used a trip to the Dominican Republic to dissolve a quickie Vegas marriage before to try to get with her last crush.

  3. No one hates Johnny more than I do. I’ve had a hate bonor for him since he arrived on the scene. I know people loved to call Lulu ShrewLu during their relationship but people like to forget that he cheated and couldn’t handle the fact that she was a crazy person. He’s went downhill since Olivia broke up with him. (The only time I liked him) I’m ready for Johnny to either DOA or go to jail for his crimes. Since Jasons leaving maybe they can be sellmates.

    Ewen is ridiculously to oretty to be a bad guy. I’m going to miss him. He had potential and I thought he and Liz had chemistry. The problem is the writers didn’t give the actors a chance to make it big. I know Becky is a chemistry magnet but not when the writers clearly don’t care to take advantage of it.

    Sonny needs to kill himself. He’s such a pathetic weasel. Why is Joe Jr. more important at the moment when he has Dante his only child exposed to the poison and he has no clue where his other stupid kids are? At least Carly was being a mom. I also loved how guilty she felt at the hospital too. I haven’t seen Carly be human in ages and it just worked for me. Her crying over her kids never does it but when she looked at those patients who were suffering I saw what the guilt was doing to her. Cutos to Laura

    • To be fair, I hated both Johnny and Lulu while they were together… But yes, it was Olivia that made him palatable. Well, that and his Sonny hate, which was righteous and wonderful. But he’s been pretty well ruined for me, and the fact that his hair is ass now and he keeps wearing doofy vests isn’t helping.

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