Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Magic Milo 2016

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.) Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

Bobbie on the red carpet

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress. Continue reading

Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

Finn meditates

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work. Continue reading

Ten seconds of actual soap. It’s a miracle!

Of the many, many, many reasons the Big Liz Lie was a terrible idea, the resulting destruction of her hard won frenemyships with both Carly and Sam is pretty high up there on my personal list. So even though having Jake hit by a car again is a terrible and unimaginative cop out of a redemption arc, I still really loved this moment:

Carly comforts Liz

CARLY: Look, I don’t want to intrude. Sonny’s in the chapel, he’s saying a prayer. And we wanted to be here for Jason… we wanted to be here for you, too.

The novelty of Carly acting like a human being is always a rare pleasure. And the many years of complicated history and enmity between her and Liz makes any truce between them extra meaningful. Unexpected moments of compassion between enemies instead of just shitty people being shitty to each other! What a novel idea for a soap opera! Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

The Second Coming of Jason Morgan is here!

Stuff is actually happening on this show! Are you excited? I’m kind of excited. We open on Ava beautifully taunting Sonny about his paralysis. I hate soap court like Sonny hates birth control, but Maura West not cowering or wearing a hideous wig? Doesn’t suck.

Sonny threatens Ava

She pushes his buttons so well that he slurs a bunch of promises to pump her full of bullets. Just to be sure, she clarifies that he’d be willing to kill the mother of his child. Sonny obligingly confirms, for the record. Father of the year and master strategist, everyone!

Over at Wyndemere, Hayden tells Nikolas that he and Liz have known all about Jake’s true identity for months. She wants him to come clean about everything now.

Sam and Patrick are alone at the church. She asks if he thinks the DNA test is real. He thinks it probably is.  She looks like she’s in shock, but it’s finally sinking in. Continue reading

At least some plots are kind of moving?

It’s Halloween in Port Charles! We open on Nina, which is never a good sign for my enjoyment of an episode. She turns off the tv when Franco comes in, and he immediately accuses her of having started “Slaughter Fest” without him. Aw, he’s a former serial killer who enjoys watching slasher films! Isn’t that… sweet?

Nina and Franco slaughter fest

Nina wants to go over to the Haunted Star party. I mean, she is the main investor for Dillon’s movie, so I’m surprised she wasn’t already planning to be there. Franco very obviously does not want to leave the house, but they’re interrupted by Kiki’s drunken appearance.

Meanwhile Morgan and Darby — aka the living proof that it is possible for someone to have less charisma and acting ability than Kiki — are already at the party and awkwardly flirting. He’s dressed like Captain Morgan (GET IT?) and she is a “sexy” mummy. I do not understand any of the decisions that went into putting this character on my television screen, but whoever was involved with them should be shot. Continue reading

The Guza is strong in this one.

Ah, the third try at a fifth wedding. What could be more sacred? If you answered “everything?” you are correct. But it doesn’t matter, because Carly and Sonny are tying the knot — again, some more — and we’re recapping this train wreck.

Carly and Sonny in the chapel

Carly wheels Sonny into the hospital chapel — where, you may recall, she is fully expecting to be crashing some strangers’ wedding for no reason — and instead finds Morgan, Michael, and Dante wearing tuxes. Gasp! Sonny asks if she’ll marry him right now. Continue reading

I’m not drunk enough for this recap.

Alexis is watching the coverage of Franco’s trial with a bottle of wine (hey, me too!) when Sam shows up. She thinks drinking a bottle wine alone is verging on “hot mess territory.” Um, some of us just call that “Monday,” Sam. Don’t judge.

Elizabeth bitch please

At the hospital, Patrick catches Liz — who should only wear that shade of red, by the way — admiring her engagement ring of lies and betrayal. He offers his congratulations. When she says they haven’t had time to do any wedding planning yet, he suggests Maxie could help out, prompting a patented Elizabeth Webber “bitch please” look. Continue reading

Invasion of the body snatchers.

Guys, I am seriously starting to suspect that we’re headed toward a big sweeps reveal that half the town has been taken over by body snatching impostors. I mean, forget Nikolas and Elizabeth — now Tracy, certified viper, is braiding friendship bracelets with Sabrina, certified living cotton candy? WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?

Also, consider the following:

Dante and Valerie kiss

– Dante Falconeri (World’s Greatest Husband, Father, and Perfect Human Being) going from zero to CHEATING BASTARD in the space of a week without even bothering to ask Lulu for an explanation?

– Holly not remembering several important details from her own life, including the city where her child was conceived or the fact that she had a tumultuous love affair with Bill Eckert?*

– Everyone in town resisting the urge to rip this horrendous wig off of Ava’s head. HOW HAS NO ONE JUST RIPPED IT OFF OF HER YET?** Continue reading