And they say romance is dead!

Ah, the couple montage, that beloved soap staple. A chance to revisit the greatest hits of a relationship and make the case for why these two people are meant to be!

And then there’s… whatever this was:

CARLY: Sonny, we’re not some starry-eyed couple that’s going to walk away holding hands and a happily ever after. We destroy each other! We don’t work in a marriage. We have tried so many times and it doesn’t work.

I’m assuming the point of that was to make us feel sad for Carly? And it did, but only in the sense that I’m sad she’s still trapped in the same unhealthy, unhappy, borderline abusive relationship from those clips.

The Best of S&B: Prison Break!

Because my part of the country is currently drowning in snow and there is more on the way, it seems like a good time to revisit the Port Charles blizzard of 1994.

So let’s travel back 21 years ago, to the first time Sonny participated in a prison break! To set the scene: Karen and Jagger are about to get married, but his little brother Stone is still working for Sonny. Which was bad, because 1993 Sonny had been really into rigging boxing matches and sleeping with drug addicted teenage strippers, and K & J hate his guts. 1994 Sonny, on the other hand, was more interested in sleeping with non-drug addicted teenage girls, aka Brenda. But they’ve mainly just flirted at this point.

Oh, and Sonny and Luke are breaking Frank Smith out of prison and everyone has a double cross planned. Mobsters can really not be trusted, guys.

We open on Jagger, unconscious and in a neck brace. Steve’s examining examining him while Audrey looks on, although his examination technique mostly involves calling Jagger’s name repeatedly and it kind of seems like anyone could have done that? Whatever, Hardy.

In which chemistry never dies.

Certain real world events plus a pair of (delightful!) (but time-consuming!) house guests have left it a little hard for me to pay attention to fictional people this past week. But things are slowly getting back to normal, and I would be remiss if I let the departure of one of my favorite characters of all time go without comment — even if she is still mostly a pale copy of her former glorious self.

But hey, at least we got this, right?

SONNY: It’s not going to work out. Not like this.
BRENDA: How do you know?
SONNY: I do know. You know why? Because all we do is hurt each other. And right now we’re on the rebound, and that’s the worst place to start.
BRENDA: What are you talking about? We’ve been much worse places than this. [Ed note: TRUTH.]
SONNY: Probably, yeah.
BRENDA: Let’s make it easy this time.
SONNY: You know what, maybe someday we’ll have a shot. But in order for us to have that shot, we need time to heal.
BRENDA: Why do I always have to lose you?
SONNY: I guess it’s time to say goodbye
BRENDA: I’m not saying that. We never mean it. So until next time.

Oh, these two. These two! They just make me regress into a squealing teenager. Sorry. Can’t help it.

I left my heart on Cassadine Island.

I don’t know if I have the words to properly express what an UTTERLY BANANAS week this has been.

But let’s just say that when you start with the freaking Nurses’ Ball and then take one part back-from-the-dead-supervillian, add in some fake flashbacks that manage to somehow tie about five separate plot strands going back months — and in some cases years — into a coherent whole, add a dash of cat fight, a pinch of implausible cryogenics and psychic visions, and a big, honking dump of hysterical glee from the sidelines?

Well, what you get is some DAMN FINE SOAP, people.

I mean, if the sight of Dante desperately begging a frozen NuLu to live while a reanimated Stavros Cassadine shrieks madly for HIS ICE PRINCESS as he is frozen (again!) isn’t enough to get your soapy juices flowing, then I just don’t know what would.

Nurses’ Ball 2013: Day One

If I ever had the slighted worry that the 2013 Nurses’ Ball might not live up to its illustrious predecessors, those doubts have been laid to rest. Because Mr. Marbles aside, day one was pretty damn fabulous. (I mean, really. If you’re expecting much snark from me, then prepare to be disappointed, because that was 36 minutes of pure joy in a can.)

Acrobat nurses! Tributes to past RNs! Duke in a kilt! Alexis’ boobs! Brenda/Carly food fight!

(Also, everything about the red carpet announcer — from his casual background knowledge of every single character to his delightful dead-pan descriptions of Felicia the Aztec princess, Olivia the “prognosticator,” and AJ the “back from the dead ELQ CEO” — was so beautiful to me.)

Speaking of which, can we talk about how adorable AJ and Elizabeth were? Because girlfriend was working even more fantastic hair than usual, and the two of them grinning at each other in delight nearly did me in:

… and here’s to 50 more.

You guys, I think I’m a little too verklempt for intelligent commentary on today’s episode. So we’re going to mark the occasion with a straight up recap:

We open on Epiphany talking on the phone to someone named Doris about someone named Frank while an extra carries a portrait of Steve Hardy out to display in the lobby.

Meanwhile, Patrick is about to give the new group of interns a tour, as the Chief of Staff is nowhere to be found. Of course, that’s because Monica is right where we left her — at home fighting with Tracy. Suddenly, they both see Alan appear.

(Note that by this point, I am already crying. It just goes downhill from here.)

Happy birthday, soap of my heart.

You might think that after spending almost every waking hour of the last two and half days in a non-stop General Hospital coma, the thought of delving into even more show history — and some of the crappier bits, at that — would be losing some of it’s shine. But guys, I really enjoyed today’s revisit of the Elizabeth/Nikolas affair.

(And no! That’s not an April Fool’s joke!)

ELIZABETH: This whole AJ thing? Kind of scares me. The idea of getting involved with Jason’s brother… I don’t know, is it wrong? Is it wrong, like the way I was with you? I never thought we would betray Lucky or Emily’s memory, but we did. The first time we were together, I didn’t know if I loved you or hated you, but I knew I hated myself. And then I realized you felt the same way.

It’s kind of sad and hilarious at the same time that the current writers so obviously care so much more about giving Elizabeth a point of view for this story that the writers who actually wrote the damn thing to begin with ever did.

The Best of S&B: Oh, Canada!

Happy Sunday, everyone! We’re celebrating the 50th with another retro recap!

This time, the year is 1996: we’re a month out from Clink/Boom, and the Lily/Sonny/Brenda/Jax quad is fast reaching its breaking point. So, naturally, everyone decides to take a vacation up to the frozen north, where cuddling and desperate confessions will ensue:

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Since we last saw S&B in Puerto Rico, there’s been some trouble in paradise:

Just somebody that I used to know…

Of all the many returns we’re getting for the 50th, I’m surprised to see no publicity for perhaps the most surprising of all: Sonny Corinthos!

I know! I never thought we’d see him again either. But this week, the real Sonny Corinthos — compassionate, perceptive, mature — finally came back from wherever he’s been hiding for the last decade:

CONNIE: What if I just disappear?
SONNY: No. You will be a whole person.
CONNIE: Oh, Sonny. I’m scared! I can’t–I can’t. I can’t do it.
SONNY: Listen to me–hold my hand, hold my hand. I told Kate that I would never abandon her. Okay? And I would never abandon you too. I’m right here with you. No matter what.

Weird, right? Look, I don’t know who that childish, self-absorbed, belligerent bully that we’ve been watching up until now actually was. But he clearly wasn’t Sonny Corinthos.

Remember this Sonny? Who was smart and cared about other people and actually seemed to like the woman he claimed to love?

The Best of S&B: What Happens in Puerto Rico, Stays in Puerto Rico

It’s been a little while since we did a retro recap. But with the 50th anniversary coming up and Vanessa Marcil on her way back for another (hopefully much better) visit, now seems like the perfect time to revisit one of the most iconic arcs from the 90s.

(Also, couldn’t we all use a little reminder of why hearing Brenda’s name used to fill us with love and not dread? Yes, yes we could.)

So, hop in your time machines, kids! Because we’re going back. Waaaaaaay back to a world of pegged jeans, enormous soap opera budgets, and the pop concert/mob mixer of the century — where secrets will be revealed, revenge will be had, hair will be flipped, and hot make out sessions will ensue:

I’LL JUST BE IN MY BUNK.
YOU KNOW, FROM HERE TO ETERNITY.

Ah, yeah. Puerto Rico, baby. To set the scene, the year is 1994:

• Lois, Brenda, and their silent partner, Sonny, are having a big concert for Miguel’s triumphant return to his native Puerto Rico.
• Miguel — ex-Menudo heartthrob, hospital orderly, L&B breakout star, and hair-flipper extraordinaire — has recently been reunited with Lily, his childhood sweetheart and secret baby-momma, after previously being torn apart by her evil mobster father.
• Lois is on the rocks with Ned after discovering his double life (and second wife).
• Sonny and Brenda have been dating for a little while and are starting to get pretty serious, but he’s still trying to hide the more illegal sides of his business from her. Because Sonny, even in the 90s, made terrible decisions. He’s also looking to get out from under the thumb of Big Bad Mob Boss and long-time Spencer enemy, Frank Smith.

Got it? All right, let’s go — we open on a long aerial tracking shot of the resort complex in Puerto Rico. It’s very pretty! And not CGI! Or a sound stage!