To Tracy Angelica Quartermaine, with love.

I put off watching this episode for a few days because I knew it would destroy me. And hey, I was right!

Tracy’s got her entire family (sans Jason because… Billy Miller had already hit his guarantees for the month?) and everyone else she cares about gathered in the Quartermaine living room for an announcement:

TRACY: I love you all. The people in the room are the ones I hold in my heart. The time has come for me to step out of my father’s shadow. I need to make a life of my own. I can’t do it here. Which brings me to my announcement: I’m leaving.

Everyone is shocked and appalled. I feel you, Port Charles.

Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed.

Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)

Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE.

My kingdom for logical character motivations!

I keep trying to care about this show right now, guys. I really do. I’m so sick of hating it. But even when something I’ve been waiting for finally happens, the lack of emotional continuity just gives me whiplash.

Last week: Jason had a heartwarming moment with Tracy and reconfirmed his determination of get ELQ back for the Quartermaines. This week: he and Sam casually betray Tracy by telling Nikolas she’s been working with Hayden all along. No conflict there! Then, later that same day:

SAM: You were so desperate to keep the truth about my husband from me that you hired someone to kill Hayden and when they botched the job, you did what, you married her?
NIKOLAS: Hayden is no victim–
SAM: She’s YOUR victim!

I mean, yay? Sam actually got to yell at Nikolas after months of BAFFLING cordiality. It’s just a little hard to get invested in her sudden moral outrage when a few hours go, she cared so little about his attempts to keep her child from ever knowing his father that she was sincerely offering Nikolas condolences over his failed marriage to a con woman they both despise.

Adventures in boredom and hypocrisy.

Back from vacation and I managed to soldier through an entire week of this show in two days. All for you, people! All for you! Anyway, stuff kind of happened in the last episode, so here’s a recap.

We open on Tracy demanding to see Dr. “I ❤ Lizards” Finn, while Obrecht lectures everyone about hospital procedures, making this the third episode in a week in which bureaucratic red tape has been played for high drama.

The face I also often make while watching this show

Dylan calls Dr. Finn, who doesn’t answer because he’s busy meditating and talking to himself. For a guy who was willing to drop his whole life and move to a new city indefinitely on zero notice at the request of a colleague he barely knows, he seem awfully put out by the idea of actually having to do any work.

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job.

You’re breaking my heart here, Quartermaine.

Okay, you know what? I am glad to see Laura, and even gladder to hear she might be sticking around for a while. But for the LOVE OF GOD, can Tracy please stop being the romantic whipping boy of Port Charles? Please?

TRACY: I believed him. From the bottom of my soul, I had faith that Luke and I would prove all of you wrong. That our love would outlast all the naysayers. But he didn’t love me. He never did. Nobody ever did.
DILLON: Are you kidding me? I love you. You are the strongest, smartest, bravest woman I have ever known. You are my mom and I love you. I always will.

That Jane Elliot is killing it with this material should go without saying. She is a master at playing both Tracy’s hard outer shell and the vulnerable loneliness it hides. But I am just so deeply bored by yet another story where Tracy’s feelings get thrown in the dumpster because Luke won’t include her on his adventure.

Monday recap: the bored and the boring.

Delia makes a grand entrance at the PCPD, promising to clear up this Ava/Denise idiocy. If only that were actually true and this wasn’t clearly going to drag on for months of bad accents and tacky wigs!

Anna can’t believe that Nikolas could be the one behind the election tampering. Sloane, sounding like he’s channeling the writers’ room, asks if it’s really so strange that he would be following in his family’s footsteps.

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason?

All boring characters go to heaven.

Finally, an entire episode without Sonny, Carly, or Franco! I’m celebrating with a recap.

We open on Nikolas dropping Spencer off at camp. Spencer’s bummed about Alice, who was teaching him a sleeper hold, so Nik promises he’ll take him to see her if he’s good for the substitute counselor. Does this camp seriously only have one employee? Way to cheap out, Quartermaines. The rest of Lila’s understaffed kids are currently mobbing said new counselor, who is… Britt! Looking fabulous with a haircut and a purple t-shirt, I might add.

Morgan — filling this episode’s shirtless man quota — sits at the Brownstone, paging sadly through pictures of him and the Dominator arm wrestling. Okay, I’ll admit: that’s funny. Kiki comes down in her tiny sleep shorts and tries to comfort him.

Michael and Tracy fight over who should break the news to Alice that she’s not getting Rafe’s heart. Um, here’s a crazy thought: maybe her actual doctor should do it?