Guys, the real world is horrible and depressing, but luckily, we have soap opera to distract us with escapist fantasy. By which I obviously mean “watching previously strong women make excuses for the violent assholes who constantly lie to them,” aka, the ultimate female wish fulfillment.
ALEXIS: [Julian] has every legal right to see his son.
OLIVIA: What the hell is wrong with you? This man tried to kill you. He’s put your daughters in danger again and again and you’re going to stand there and defend his right to my child?
ALEXIS: Don’t do this. You kept Leo away from him for months. You lied, you said that Leo was adopted, you said that Ned was the father.
I know, right? Any mother who’d claim Ned was the father of her baby to protect him or her from a dangerous mobster really hasn’t got a leg to stand on–OH WAIT.
So anyway, just when you thought Alexis couldn’t be brought any lower, HAHAHA just kidding, there is always a lower, more pathetic place this show can take her. And defending Julian and taking his side against his other baby mama is pretty damn low. One might even say character destroying. That is, if one believed any character’s actions actually mattered at all on a show with a memory as short as this one’s. Continue reading
Wow, you guys. What an episode! I have not laughed like that in a long time. But which part was the funniest? So hard to choose from so much bonkers.
A) The super dramatic slow pan over a bunch of adults just staring while a child… standing a few feet away… very slowly… picked up a tin can? (Kind of like that Austin Powers steamroller scene? Only dumber. Much, much dumber.)
B) The reveal of Helena’s final diabolical plan? Which, as far as I can tell, boils down to the following: Continue reading
The TiVo summary for this episode is: “Andre makes a major discovery; Carly zeroes in on her enemy; Curtis oversteps.” Wow. Seems like they nailed all the really important notes.
Anyway, full recap tonight! Jason’s confronting Griffin about the chimera necklace. Griffin tells him it used to belong to Anna’s sister. Jason thinks this can’t be a coincidence!
Dillon thanks nurse Deanna for filling in for Kiki, since she has to work tonight. I feel like performing at a charity ball sponsored by your employed should automatically mean not getting scheduled to work that night, but I guess this is why I don’t make nursing schedules. Continue reading
I put off watching this episode for a few days because I knew it would destroy me. And hey, I was right!
Tracy’s got her entire family (sans Jason because… Billy Miller had already hit his guarantees for the month?) and everyone else she cares about gathered in the Quartermaine living room for an announcement:
TRACY: I love you all. The people in the room are the ones I hold in my heart. The time has come for me to step out of my father’s shadow. I need to make a life of my own. I can’t do it here. Which brings me to my announcement: I’m leaving.
Everyone is shocked and appalled. I feel you, Port Charles. Continue reading
Ah, Daytime television. Entertainment for women! And apparently women really love gaslighting, because there isn’t a single plot right now that doesn’t involve rewriting the things we all actually saw on screen.
Like, hey, did you know Nina is now a more stable parental figure than Lulu in the eyes of the law? And definitely not a former mental patient who literally ripped a baby out of another woman’s womb and has been banned by every adoption agency on the planet!
helena was scared of this guy. really.
Anna’s got a mysterious retconned past with Valentin! Who, himself, has been retconned from a ruthless murderer and Most Dangerous Cassadine of All into a former street urchin/deformed virgin who stutters and weeps at the drop of a hat.
Brad has completely reverted to his money-grubbing, ethically challenged douchebag ways, as if none of the character growth of his friendship with Britt and marriage to Lucas ever happened! Speaking of Lucas, I’m not sure he even exists anymore, since they haven’t bothered to show him react to the news his father is alive.
Meanwhile, these words came out of Sonny’s mouth with ZERO sense of irony: Continue reading
Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.
At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.
it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not
Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading
Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.
Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.
not pictured: believable crying
Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.
Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading
Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.
But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)
hey there, dreamy mcdream face
Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading
Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?
Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:
ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.
I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading
It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).
Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading