Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Corinthos down!

Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.

Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.

kiki-still-cant-cry

not pictured: believable crying

Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.

Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

There’s no joy in Mudville, kids.

Sometimes I watch this show and wonder if I’ve personally done something to offend the writers. How else to explain the way they’ve systematically set out to destroy every last remaining piece of good will I still felt for it?

Like hey! Remember that time an attractive man fell in love with Alexis and actually left the mob for her? Well, he’s already back in, murdering people all over the place, and also gas-lighting her like crazy:

Julian gaslights Alexis

ALEXIS: You killed two men to preserve our marriage? Who are you?
JULIAN: I’m your husband. I’m still your husband. [as she goes for her phone] Who are you calling?
ALEXIS: Who do you think I’m calling? I’m calling the police.
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Before you ask yourself who I am, Alexis, you need to ask yourself who you are. You knew I ordered that hit on Duke and you chose to stay with me anyway. It makes you complicit in everything I’ve done.

I would sincerely love to know what the thought process was in taking one of the only popular pairings this show had left and utterly and completely destroying it like this. Because there is really no coming back from this — or there shouldn’t be. Then again, these are the same writers who seem to think Hayden and Nikolas are still viable after he had her shot it the head, so… who knows? Continue reading

Here comes the sweeps!

It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).

Hayden and Nikolas in bed

Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job. Continue reading

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

Liz and hot doc

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her. Continue reading

This week, on revisionist history…

Helena’s dead! Again! Some more! You’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excited over it when 1) she is clearly immortal, and 2) she “died” in the same episode where Carlos miraculously came back to life, proving once again that death has absolutely no meaning in Port Charles.

(J/K! Quartermaines stay dead forever!)

Helena has a bad memory

At least this gave the writers an excuse to get all the remaining Cassadines together on Cassadine island — you know, Helena, Nikolas, Sam. Wait a minute, wasn’t there another Cassadine? Maybe someone with a ton of history with Helena, who has hated and feared her for her entire life? Someone who’s been conspicuously absent from most of this Dark!Nikolas story, even though she’s so closely related to both him and Sam? Anyone? Bueller?

Continue reading

When a mob boss loves a hitman…

This is it! The reunion we’ve all been waiting for, the return of this show’s greatest supercouple: Sonny and his favorite killer for hire are together again! Tears were shed, hands were clutched. Maurice Bernard honestly showed more reaction than Jason’s own wife did. Which is only appropriate, considering he was Jason’s life partner first.

SASON REUNION2

SASON REUNION

And on the flip side, Billy Miller played Jason like a man who’d rather claw his own skin off than sit through more tales of Jason Morgan. Which was, frankly, AMAZING to watch: Continue reading

The Second Coming of Jason Morgan is here!

Stuff is actually happening on this show! Are you excited? I’m kind of excited. We open on Ava beautifully taunting Sonny about his paralysis. I hate soap court like Sonny hates birth control, but Maura West not cowering or wearing a hideous wig? Doesn’t suck.

Sonny threatens Ava

She pushes his buttons so well that he slurs a bunch of promises to pump her full of bullets. Just to be sure, she clarifies that he’d be willing to kill the mother of his child. Sonny obligingly confirms, for the record. Father of the year and master strategist, everyone!

Over at Wyndemere, Hayden tells Nikolas that he and Liz have known all about Jake’s true identity for months. She wants him to come clean about everything now.

Sam and Patrick are alone at the church. She asks if he thinks the DNA test is real. He thinks it probably is.  She looks like she’s in shock, but it’s finally sinking in. Continue reading