Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day One

It’s Nurses’ Ball time! We open on Robin — real Robin, not a dumb hallucination this time. She’s on the phone with Patrick, who is away at a conference and therefore missing the Nurses’ Ball… which is apparently being broadcast not just on Port Charles local access this year, but NATIONWIDE on a major network? Hey, that’s more than you can say for the Daytime Emmys!

They tune into the red carpet where our regular host, Donnie Sheldon, has been joined by Nina and real life news personality, Abbie Boudreau. Donnie is excited to see “luminaries” like Bobbie and Lucas arrive. Does this mean that the national audience is supposed to know who Bobbie Spencer is? Amazing.

Bobbie tells the camera that this Nurses’ Ball has an extra special meaning for her, and Jackie Zeman gives the creepiest, way too sexual line reading for a woman currently arm in arm with her own son. But I do like her blue dress.

Nurses’ Ball 2015: Day Three

Oh, boy. Guys, I think I went through the five stage of grief all while watching this episode. Admittedly, watching it took a while, because I kept having to pause when I got too angry. But now, having drank a bit and also watched a documentary on the Ebola outbreak for some perspective, I’m finally verging on acceptance.

So, fine. Elizabeth is kind of a supervillain now. You know what? It happens. Ask Tony Stark. And after moving through the denial and anger and the crushing disappointment that the couple I’ve loved for over 15 years just got tanked once again, I’ve decided I’m just going to be supportive.

If Liz wants to be a supervillain? Then by God, I want her to be the best supervillain she can be.

Has hell finally frozen over?

Guys, I enjoyed Franco today. Without irony. He high-fived a potential gay threesome and I reflexively high-fived him back before realizing what I’d done. I feel so… dirty.

(I’m going to chalk it up to general shock over the last few days not boring me to tears. Adults having mature conversations! Something finally effing happening with Levi! AN ENTIRE EPISODE ABOUT THREESOMES.)

Regarding the latter, I’m not sure what I enjoyed more: Carly’s hilarious prudishness about the whole concept or the incredible amount of chutzpah needed for this entire conversation:

Nurses’ Ball 2014: Day Two

On the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, there were boys in their skivvies and Eddie Maine and Elizabeth Webber wearing sexy glasses. So basically, everything was wonderful.

Not that there weren’t a few off notes. Like… what was up with that way too long intro to Ned’s number with the wolf and the spoken word and the MAKE IT STOP, SO EMBARRASSING? Or that weird as hell moment when we were treated to FauxLuke’s inner lust monologue about Alexis, Jordan, and Kiki during his wedding to Tracy?

Nurses’ Ball 2014: Day One

Folks, it’s Nurses’ Ball time again. And you know what that means: I straight up love this stuff, so for three days, I’m going to resist the urge to roll my eyes at the kiddie love triangle, mutter under my breath about the waste that was AJ being killed off, or curse Franco’s name.

I refuse to let little details like my active lack of interest in the show lately stop me from enjoying all the ball gowns and contact embarrassment with every bone in my body, damn it.

First things first: LIESL OBRECHT IS THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING. Obviously. You know why? Because she is a woman who enjoys life. Sure, she may be a mad scientist, and the criminal mastermind she loves may probably be dead, and both of her children and all of her employees may want nothing to do with her. But she has fun, damn it. My darling Liesl doesn’t let pesky things like reality get in her way. And I appreciate that.

(I also appreciate the things that outfit was doing for Kathleen Gati’s…. everything. But that is another matter entirely.)

Maybe he’s lost?

Guys, I think Lucas is confused. Doesn’t he know that when you find out your mother’s been keeping a big secret from you, you’re supposed to throw a screaming fit about betrayal and then storm away in a huff?

LUCAS: I appreciate the warning. I probably won’t want anything to do with him. Or maybe I will. either way, it’s my choice to make.

I mean, really. What was that? Who does he think he is, being all reasonable and respectful? It’s like he doesn’t even know he’s on a soap opera!

I think I kind of love Brad now?

Like all soap fans — oh, hush, you know it’s true — I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. I mean, I try not to be psycho about it. But let’s be honest: one of the charms of soap operas is getting to still be pissed off about stuff that happened decades ago.

(I’m sure there’s someone out there right now, seething with resentment over something that happened on this show in 1963. And to that person, I say: whatever it is… NEVER FORGET.)

But there does come a time when I try to let go of certain issues so I can enjoy what’s happening in the now.

All of which is an extremely long-winded way of saying HOLY HELL, I AM STILL PISSED WE HAD TO WAIT THIS LONG… but I still really enjoyed the reunion scenes between Robin, Sonny, and AJ the other day. 

A wish is a dream your heart makes.

There are so many New Years resolutions I could make for this show, if I had that power. I’ll be honest: at least half of them would involve Alexis getting laid at least once a week, in various positions, with Julian. Because I have PRIORITIES, obviously.

Another good chunk would involve accepting the fact that no matter how hot Silas and Sam are, John McBain is gone and he is never coming back. But whatever. I’m sure I’ll get over that some time before I’m eighty.

And while we’re dreaming impossible dreams, I’d really like my default response to the sight of Felix’s face not to be “SHUT UP, FELIX. GOD.” But, you know… here we are:

FELIX: How could Patrick be such a jerk? First, he tells you he loves you. Then he moves one hair’s breath from marrying you, then he dumps you? You know, Patrick is definitely the loser here. Karma’s gonna come and bite him in the butt, and he’s going to realize he made the biggest mistake of his miserable life.
SABRINA: Fee, stop.
FELIX: I won’t stop. And I certainly won’t sit here and listen to you defend that selfish ass.

Yes, how dare Patrick not see into the future and know his wife was alive before he made plans and promises with Sabrina! Who does he think he is, having the nerve to want to be with his recently dead wife? FLAMES. Flames on the side of my face!

(I mean, I will grant that Patrick did mess up by not IMMEDIATELY dumping Sabrina on their wedding day when she was expecting it, and instead ludicrously allowing her to get her hopes up by drawing out the inevitable for several weeks. But somehow, I don’t think that’s what Felix meant. SHUT UP, FELIX. GOD.)

Well, that was a delightful 36 minutes of my life.

It is a scientifically proven fact that even when this show — how do I say this delicately? — sucked gigantic donkey balls, wedding-related parties at Jake’s The Floating Rib are always awesome. Always.

Obviously, this was no exception. Poison! Karaoke! Baby momma drama! Drag! Everything I love in life, basically!

First of all, can we please talk about my new girlfriend, Liesl Obrecht? Because she is both the MVP of the last few episodes and OF MY HEART. Who else could rock that wig with such panache? Who else could pull off a monologue referring to her romantic rival as “the sow and her piglet”? Or dialog like this?

Somebody call the WHAAAAAMBULANCE…

… because I’m about to break Morgan’s other arm.

I’m sorry, you guys. I really don’t mean to keep harping on this. But Morgan? IS SUCH A TURD. I mean, jeez, when even Carly seems to recognize her child is a massive ass, you know it’s got to be pretty bad:

CARLY: Are you really making judgments about how and when your brother chose to tell you or anyone that he was raped?
MORGAN: Mom, he told my girlfriend before he told me– [Ed. note: whaaa whaaa whaaaaaa]
CARLY: Because maybe he thought you were too young to handle it. And not that he asked me but I might agree with the way that you’re reacting. This is you brother, Morgan! Michael had to deal with a horrible violation. If you can’t summon up any compassion, maybe you can find some respect with how he dealt with it and he moved on with his life.
MORGAN: Look, I get it. Okay? I do. Yes, what happened to Michael, it was terrible. But him and Kiki? Before he knew they were cousins? I think he liked her. And maybe he was using that as a way for them to get closer.

Way to keep things in perspective, kid.