Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day One

Nurses’ Ball time! This episode assumed I care a whole lot more about the state of Nina and Valentin’s marriage and the big Morgan pill mystery than I actually do. Which is not at all in both cases. But still, we got some vets and some fancy dresses, so that’s something, right?

work it, spencers

This year, Burt’s Bees has given Aveeno the boot and ABC’s contractually obligated D-list celebrity host is Mario Lopez, who was barely able to pretend he gave a crap about any of this during his twenty minutes of work:

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.)

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job.

It’s hard out there for a Liz fan.

The secret’s finally out, my favorite couple is totally tanked, and the ritual town stoning is well on its way. I don’t have much energy for more than a recap, so here we go: Alexis is meeting Julian for lunch at the Floating Rib. She hints she’d also be interested in an afternoon quickie, but sadly, he’s already got plans to go tank his magazine.

Speaking of which, the new and improved Nina — who looks exactly the same, except she’s no longer swanning around the office in that Elvira evening gown — is at Crimson, gushing over the pictures Dillon took of her. Because Dillon, in addition to being a mediocre screenwriter and aspiring indie director, is now apparently a professional photographer? Look, I don’t know. Just go with it.

At the hospital, Elizabeth is surprised to see a super cute doctor lady that I don’t recognize. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to work today, but Patrick called in a personal day. Liz’s face falls at this reminder that she has wrecked not only her own life but her BFF’s life as well. Cute Doctor suggests Liz might also want to call in — so is the news about her lie to Jason already all over town? But, alas, there’s no one to cover for her.

Another one bites the dust…

Hello, friends. It’s been a while, I know. My motivations for watching the show, much less writing about it, are pretty much at an all time low. But can we talk about Dante, and how he’s now terrible? Because wow, he is super terrible. His hair is terrible, his choices are terrible, the garbage that comes out of his mouth is terrible… I say this as someone who finds Lulu generally obnoxious, but TEAM LULU ONE THOUSAND PERCENT.

DANTE: Watching that game with you, seeing you loose your mind over that interception… I mean, for the first time in forever, I lost myself for a bit there. I didn’t think about being sad or guilty. I was just enjoying what was right in front of me.

Oh, I’m sorry, did your wife have the gall to be mad at you for more than a day after you SLEPT WITH HER COUSIN? After lying to her face for months, did you have to spend a few weeks feeling sad about betraying her? Well, that’s just awful. What an injustice for you. So glad you could finally, after a few measly days, find a way to forget how guilty you deserve to be for trashing your marriage.

And now, five seconds after the ink dried on his separation papers, he’s not only sleeping with Valerie again, but openly dating her? Dude. It is one thing to make (another) bad decision while believing your marriage is over (again). It’s another to be so over it that you’re ready for a rebound relationship that same week.

But, hey! At least Nikolas and Elizabeth won’t be so lonely in the character assassination club anymore? Stripping Dante of his most perfect husband pedestal give me exactly one less reason to give a crap about this show, though, and there aren’t a lot of those left to begin with.

At least some plots are kind of moving?

It’s Halloween in Port Charles! We open on Nina, which is never a good sign for my enjoyment of an episode. She turns off the tv when Franco comes in, and he immediately accuses her of having started “Slaughter Fest” without him. Aw, he’s a former serial killer who enjoys watching slasher films! Isn’t that… sweet?

Nina wants to go over to the Haunted Star party. I mean, she is the main investor for Dillon’s movie, so I’m surprised she wasn’t already planning to be there. Franco very obviously does not want to leave the house, but they’re interrupted by Kiki’s drunken appearance.

Meanwhile Morgan and Darby — aka the living proof that it is possible for someone to have less charisma and acting ability than Kiki — are already at the party and awkwardly flirting. He’s dressed like Captain Morgan (GET IT?) and she is a “sexy” mummy. I do not understand any of the decisions that went into putting this character on my television screen, but whoever was involved with them should be shot.

This week on… oh, who cares?

Just for a change of pace, I wanted to talk about the one story line I don’t actively hate right now. Unfortunately, Brad and Lucas seem to live in some sort of time bubble that only allows them to appear for one day every other month, so we’re stuck with the rest of this mess instead.

Hayden and Nikolas are now going on a cutesy flirty dates at the Floating Rib! I have so many questions about this development. Like what hair color is Rebecca Budig using, because it really looks fantastic! Also, why doesn’t Hayden seem concerned in the slightest about her lack of memory? Oh, and we seriously supposed to be rooting for a romance between an amnesiac nymphomaniac and the man who had her shot in the head?

So this show is basically just fanfic now, right?

I was assured by a trustworthy party that this episode was not terrible, so it’s getting a recap. We open on Elizabeth answering the door to find Lucky waiting with a big smile on his stupid, scruffy face.

You know, as much as I never, ever, ever want these two to get back together — and even though the state of his hair right now is causing me physical pain — the sight of Rebecca Herbst and Jonathan Jackson will never not make me just a little happy.

Over at the precinct, Jordan tells Valerie she’s thought about it, and the idea of one of her officers having an affair with a co-worker who happens to be his wife’s cousin makes her really uncomfortable. Gee, you think? Which is why that is the kind of information YOU WOULD NEVER EVER TELL YOUR BOSS, Valerie.

Monday recap: the bored and the boring.

Delia makes a grand entrance at the PCPD, promising to clear up this Ava/Denise idiocy. If only that were actually true and this wasn’t clearly going to drag on for months of bad accents and tacky wigs!

Anna can’t believe that Nikolas could be the one behind the election tampering. Sloane, sounding like he’s channeling the writers’ room, asks if it’s really so strange that he would be following in his family’s footsteps.

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason?