Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason?


KIKI: Michael, I just don’t understand why you can’t give Franco the benefit of the doubt.
MICHAEL: He murdered dozens of people. He kidnapped a baby. He’s threatened every single member of my family. He strapped my friends to bombs. He set up my prison rape. HIS ART IS TERRIBLE.
KIKI: Yes, but he’s always been super nice to me. Can we keep some perspective here?

SONNY: Carly’s missing? But who could possibly want to hurt her?
KIKI: Ava.
MICHAEL: Franco.
MORGAN: Julian.
HEATHER: Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

MICHAEL: Kiki, my mom’s life is on the line. I need you to promise me you’ll call the cops if Franco contacts you.
KIKI: Okay, I promise.
FRANCO: Kiki, you have to help me escape from the cops!
KIKI: Okay. Want to hide out in Michael’s apartment?
FRANCO: Wow. You are a terrible girlfriend.


JULIAN: Alexis, it’s been awhile.
ALEXIS: Yes. Almost as if our lives were being controlled by writers who forgot about us for months.
JULIAN: So strange. Anyway, want to make out as if no time had passed?
ALEXIS: Definitely.

LUCAS: So, I guess we’re related?
SAM: Guess so.
LUCAS: I’m sorry, this is just a little weird for me. I’m not used to new relatives popping out of the sky.
SAM: Don’t worry, I’m an expert.

LUCAS: We have so much in common, Brad. You’re gay, I’m gay. Your family’s in the mafia, my family’s in the mafia–
BRAD: You’re related to Lulu, I’ve been conspiring to steal her child…
LUCAS: Wait, what?
BRAD: Nothing!

JULIAN: Alexis, Lucas is gay and I don’t know what to do.
ALEXIS: Well, have you tried not being a bigot?
JULIAN: That’s just crazy enough to work!


BRITT: I think I’m coming down with something. Every time I see Lulu and Dante, I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
BRAD: That’s called guilt, Britt. It’s an emotion normal humans feel when they’ve done something they know is wrong.
BRITT: Maybe I’m just hungry.
BRAD: No, I’m pretty sure it’s guilt.

NATHAN: How about now? Did you murder anyone now?
SILAS: No! Stop asking!
SAM: Anna, can you do something about this?
NATHAN: Commissioner, my abs think he’s guilty, and my abs don’t lie.
ANNA: I’ll allow it.

SONNY: Julian’s silent partner must be someone I know… someone who can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. But who could possibly hate me that much?
RIC: Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.


NIKOLAS: I think we should have an engagement party here at Wyndemere.
BRITT: Hasn’t every other engagement party you’ve ever had here ended in disaster or someone going over the parapet?
NIKOLAS: What’s your point?

ELIZABETH: Three months into the new year and my resolution to not get involved with any paternity lies is going great!
BRITT: Maybe Brad was right about that guilt thing. I feel so much better now that I’ve left my confession letter lying around the hospital!

LULU: Ben is my baby!
NIKOLAS: I can’t believe this.
BRITT: Nikolas, I can explain–
NIKOLAS: Elizabeth, this is all your fault.
ELIZABETH: Seriously?


MONICA: Well, I’ve been fired because my son might be a murderer. Funny how no one minded when my other son was a mafia hit man for two decades…
BRITT: Oh! Can I be Chief of Staff?
MONICA: Don’t be ridiculous. You stole a baby. We don’t let criminals run the hospital.
OBRECHT: Yes, Britta. Don’t be ridiculous.

SONNY: What do you mean you’re still working for Julian? You pinky swore you were going to quit!
MORGAN: I know, but when I tried to give my two weeks notice, he just laughed and asked if I understood how the mob retirement plan worked.
SONNY: Unbelievable. Whenever one of my crew wants to defect to another crime family, I always give them an excellent reference!

NATHAN: What? My own mother was the killer all along? How could my abs have been so wrong?
SILAS: Oh, cruel irony! Poor, poor Nina, who I loved so much that I cheated on her with a woman I clearly despise–
AUDIENCE: Nope. No one cares.


SABRINA: Well, it’s finally sweeps, so: Patrick, I’m having your baby.
PATRICK: What? Why did you lie before?
SABRINA: I had to! I mean, who ever heard of two unmarried people sharing custody of a child?
PATRICK: Have you always been this stupid? How did I never notice before?

VICTOR: Dr. Scorpio-Drake, I need a cryogenics expert. As an AIDS researcher, you are clearly my only choice.
ROBIN: But didn’t the Cassadines practically invent cryo-freezing?
VICTOR: It’s a little embarrassing, actually. We lost the manual.
ROBIN: What.
VICTOR: Yes, and now we just can’t figure out where the on button is.
ROBIN: I don’t even know how to respond to that.
VICTOR: Also, we need to you to find a cure for a gunshot to the head. We lost the manual for that too.

PATRICK: I can’t believe you’re leaving your family again after two years away.
ROBIN: But if I don’t save Jason from the Cassadines, who will?
PATRICK: Your super spy parents? Nikolas? Sonny? The Quartermaines?
ROBIN: See? No other options!


MAXIE: I’m home! I’ve got a great new boyfriend and I’m ready to see my baby!
LEVI: Wouldn’t you rather do yoga than see your baby?
NATHAN: My abs have a really bad feeling about this.

OBRECHT: Sister, we must separate Britta and Nathan. If they meet, their mutual attractiveness guarantees that they will have sex.
DONNA MILLS: Oh, come on, Liesl. What are the odds of that?
BRITT: Wow. You are… really attractive.
NATHAN: You should see my abs. No really — would you like to see them? I’ll take my shirt off right here!

JUDGE: All right, Miss Jones. Have you learned your lesson yet?
MAXIE: I’ve gotten my life together, made amends to everyone I’ve wronged, and spent the last few months doing public service. Now can I see my baby?
JUDGE: Sure.
MAXIE: Really?
JUDGE: LOL, no. See you in six months.


OBRECHT: Nathan, I’m sure you have a million questions for me–
NATHAN: Nope. No questions.
OBRECHT: You’re not even the slightest bit curious about who your father is?
NATHAN: I have it on good authority that you should wait at least 8 years before asking about that.
SAM: That’s right! Eight year minimum on dad questions! Trust me. I’m an expert.

AJ: Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t kill Connie at all!
AVA: Yeah, my bad.
AJ: I’m finally vindicated! Just this once, everything’s going to go right for old AJ Quartermai–
AJ’s GHOST: Typical.

SHAWN: Working for the mob, Jordan? You should be ashamed of yourself.
JORDAN: OH MY GOD, you are literally a mafia hit man.
SHAWN: But for the good mafia! We have a code! Why do I have to keep explaining this to people?
SONNY: I forget, does our code let us murder coma patients?
SHAWN: Oh, sure. I’ll take out a whole hospital wing if you want me to.


MICHAEL: I just can’t believe AJ’s gone!
SONNY: Your mom and I are here for you, son. Whatever you need.
MICHAEL: I need to find the bastard who killed him.
CARLY: What about a cup of hot cocoa?
SONNY: What about a pony? Would you like a pony?
SONNY: I’m gonna get you a pony.

SONNY: Every time I see Michael, I get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach.
AVA: That’s called guilt. It’s an emotion normal humans feel–
SONNY: No, I’m pretty sure I’m just horny.
AVA: Seriously? In a crypt?

ELIZABETH: I just can’t believe AJ’s gone!
RIC: Yes, terrible tragedy. So, you’re single now?
ELIZABETH: Why do all my romantic choices end so badly?
RIC: No idea. Say, I know that it’s been five years with no contact, and before that we were barely on speaking terms, and before that I kept a pregnant woman locked up in our house and drugged you into a coma. But I really think we’re soulmates.
ELIZABETH: Seems legit.
CARLY: Seriously?


PATRICK: Okay, Robin. My baby’s dead and I really need you to come home now.
ROBIN: But I still haven’t found the on button! I don’t want to name names, but whoever designed this magical resurrection freezing machine did not give it an intuitive interface–
PATRICK: I think we should see other people.

SAM: Danny’s cancer-free, I finally know who my dad is, and my boyfriend isn’t a murderer. Just this once, everything’s going to go right for old Sam Morg–
SAM: Typical.

PATRICK: Sam, I need your help to find out who killed Gabriel.
SAM: Isn’t the PCPD investigating that?
PATRICK: Ha! Good one.
SAM: I know. I crack myself up sometimes.


LULU: Tracy, do you think my father’s been acting strange since he got out of Miscavige?
NED: Luke threatened to kill me!
KIKI: Luke sexually assaulted me!
SPENCER: Luke caused Emma’s car accident!
TRACY: Nope, everything’s fine. Perfectly normal. Nothing to see here.

LUCY: Nurses’ Ball time!
MAC: Great, Mr. Marbles and I have been working on some new material–
MILO: Something about the way you murdered that puppet really turns me on.
FELIX: That’s what turns you on? I give up.

SCOTTY: Lucy, I love you. We should be together.
LUCY: But I really love Doc, too. Can’t you just be my fling on the side?
LUCY: Scott, I love you. We should be together.
SCOTTY: But I really love Bobbie, too. Can’t you just be my fling on the side?
LUCY: You have some nerve, Scott Baldwin.


ALEXIS: Julian, don’t get me wrong. All this super hot sex we’ve been having has been really great. But I’d really like it if you left the mob.
JULIAN: No problem. I’ll just run down and give my two week’s notice to the boss. I’m sure he’ll understand.
FLUKE: Son, let me explain how the mob retirement plan works…

JULIAN: My boss tried to kill my son. There’s only one thing I can do now.
ALEXIS: Work with the cops to take him down?
JULIAN: Yes… that. Definitely that.

RIC: I’m making amends with my daughter, my brother isn’t actively trying to kill me, and Elizabeth has miraculously forgotten about that whole panic room thing. Just this once, everything’s going to go right for old Ric Lans–
RIC: Typical.

FLUKE: Bet you’re wondering who I really am.
FLUKE: Too bad. See you in six months.


SONNY: Hello. My name is Sonny Corinthos. You killed my Connie. Prepare to die.
AVA: You can’t kill me! I’m pregnant!
SONNY: Is it just a random baby? Because if it’s just a random baby–
AVA: It’s a Corinthos baby.
SONNY: Damn it!

NED: Well, mother, to save ELQ from your husband, I had to let an inexperienced kid run it.
MICHAEL: Huh. Is that how business works? Because I was going to hire a full construction crew to renovate the Brownstone, but two kids with zero experience would be a lot cheaper.
MORGAN: Makes sense to me!
KIKI: AJ would be really proud of how you’re running things.

OLIVIA: You slept with Ava Jerome? On AJ’s grave? What is wrong with you?
SONNY: You don’t understand, Olivia. I had all these feelings. Penis feelings.
OLIVIA: Have you always been this stupid? How have I never noticed before?

ROSALIE: Hello, DOCTOR CHEATER. Cheated on any wives today?
SILAS: Do you understand that I am your employer?
ROSALIE: What’s your point?


SAM: Rafe caused Patrick’s accident!
SAM: You know, your nephew?
SILAS: Um. Not really ringing a bell.
SAM: The one you took me to court over?
SILAS: Oh, that kid who’s always hanging around? Whatever happened to him?
SAM: He’s a coke addicted murderer for hire.
SILAS: What? No! But I was such a good dad!

NATHAN: Silas, do you think Nina’s been acting strange since she got out of Crichton-Clark?
FRANCO: Nina’s faking her paralysis!
SAM: Nina got Patrick fired to break us up!
NINA: What, this little old list? The one with REVENGE written at the top? Just planning my Christmas cards. In July.
SILAS: Nope, everything’s fine. Perfectly normal. Nothing to see here.

ALICE: The Dominator’s mighty heart is failing.
MICHAEL: Listen, we can’t let Alice die. She is literally Morgan’s only friend. Can we please have Rafe’s heart?


BRITT: Spencer, I’m a changed woman, I swear! But how can I convince your father that I’m not a kidnapping liar anymore?
SPENCER: Easy. Just help me run away from home and then lie to him about it.
BRITT: That’s just crazy enough to work!

PATRICK: Every time I look at Sam, I get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach.
ELIZABETH: Are you coming down with something?
PATRICK: No, I’m pretty sure it’s just guilt. If only I had some recent experience with a dead spouse who later turned out to be alive! Then I might know what to do.

ALEXIS: Julian, you know when you swore over and over again that you were out of the mob? And then my house mysteriously blew up?
JULIAN: What’s your point?
ALEXIS: I think we should see other people.

SABRINA: Why, Ava. That’s a nice baby you’ve got there.
AVA: Are you… trying to be threatening right now?
SABRINA: It would be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
AVA: Seriously, stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.


MAXIE: I have to marry Levi or he’ll be deported!
NATHAN: My abs think this is a really terrible idea.
LEVI: At last I can reveal my evil plan! For I am really… the son of Peter Harrell!
PETER HARRELL: Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

DANTE: Oh, come on. Have we been kidnapped again?
LULU: But who would want to kidnap me?
STAVROS: Surprise, bitch–
DANTE: Seriously? What does it take to kill you?
STAVROS: Maybe a building exploding? I wouldn’t bet on it, though.

OBRECHT: All right, you forced it out of me! Your father is–
NATHAN: Still don’t care.
OBRECHT: Victor Cassadine! It’s Victor Cassadine!
VICTOR: Really?
OBRECHT: No, not really.
VICTOR: Damn it.

MAXIE: Oh, Nathan. Something about standing on this pile of corpses is really turning me on.
NATHAN: That’s what turns you on? No wonder walking around in a towel all the time has been getting me nowhere.


ROBIN: Jason! You’re alive!
ROBIN: What’s that, boy? You can’t speak?
ROBIN: Timmy fell down a well?
ROBIN: This is getting stupid. Let’s split up.

HELENA: I now convene this meeting of the League of Evil. First order of business — who’s taking Robin captive next?
JERRY: Been there, done that.
FAISON: Ditto.
JOHNNY: Sorry, I’ve got my hands full keeping Ric captive.
FLUKE: Is she hot?
HELENA: Ew. Fine, I’ll do it.

ROBIN: Mom, Patrick, I’m just calling to say that I’m abandoning my family again and flying to Paris indefinitely. With no luggage. Wearing scrubs. And I can’t tell you why. But everything’s normal! Totally normal.
ANNA: Okay, honey.
PATRICK: Seems legit.
ROBIN: Wait, seriously? You’re not going to question this at all?


JULIAN: You still have feelings for me, Alexis! Admit it!
ALEXIS: Sure. I’m in love with you. But we can’t be together until you stop lying.
JULIAN: Why won’t you just admit how good we were together?
ALEXIS: We were great together. But we can’t be together until you stop lying.
JULIAN: Damn it, woman, why must you keep denying your feelings for me?

PATRICK: So we’re all agreed: Luke is a murderous, drug-dealing, baby-killing crime lord.
LULU: Yup.
DANTE: I buy it.
SONNY: Seems legit.
TRACY: Wait, seriously? You’re not going to question this at all?
ANNA: What’s more likely — Luke suddenly turning totally evil or some master criminal impersonating him for months with none of us noticing? When was the last time something that crazy happened?
TRACY: Last year. It literally happened last year.

MORGAN: Ava told me everything, dad. You killed AJ!
SONNY: But she made me do it! And then she fell on my penis! What was I supposed to do — not kill AJ and have sex on his grave?
MORGAN: Wow, when you put it that way, it really does seem unavoidable.
SONNY: Wait, that actually worked?


ELIZABETH: Jake, it’s been a long two days since since we reconstructed your entire face. But now I think we’re finally ready to see if you’re hot.
JAKE: Wait, what?
ELIZABETH: I mean, to find out who you are. Hahaha. Yes, that’s definitely what I meant.

MAXIE: I’ve lost my loser boyfriend, survived a near death experience, and stopped pretending to like vegan food. So now can I see my baby?
JUDGE: Not so fast — my legion of undercover judicial spies tell me you’ve also been dating a police officer. Doesn’t sound like you’ve learned your lesson.
MAXIE: Okay, seriously. What lesson?
JUDGE: I’m not really sure. Something about not drunk driving, maybe?

JAKE: Is everyone in this town part of some weird cult?
SAM: Why would you ask that?
CARLY: Hello, stranger. Have you heard the Good News about Jason Morgan?
MICHAEL: Hey, I wanted to tell him about Jason!
ELIZABETH: Everybody back off! He’s coming home with me so I can tell him about Jason.
JAKE: See what I mean?
SAM: Oh, no one’s told you about Jason? What would you like to know?


FRANCO: So you kissed Sonny. No big deal. Hey, let’s get married! In a month!
CARLY: Wow, you are taking this really well.
FRANCO: Leave all the planning to me. I’m going to make sure you get the wedding you deserve.
CARLY: That’s so.. sweet?
FRANCO: Oh, yes. You’re going to get what’s coming to you.
CARLY: I feel really good about this relationship.

CARLY: Okay, we have to stop antagonizing Franco since he’s the only person who has the ability to completely destroy our lives.
SONNY: I know, but something about standing in a puddle of blood in our son’s living room is really turning me on.
CARLY: Me too. I think there’s something really wrong with us.

LUCY: And do you, Franco, take Carly to be your lawfully wedded wife?
FRANCO: LOL, no. This entire wedding was an elaborate trap to ruin your life.
CARLY: How could I have seen this coming?
MICHAEL: Hello. My name is Michael Quartermaine. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
SONNY: How could I have seen this coming?


DONNA MILLS: Nathan, I’m back! And I need to warn you about Nina!
NATHAN: Wait, how are you not in jail?
DONNA MILLS: Um, I’m an old, rich, white lady on a soap opera?
OBRECHT: Yeah, it is literally impossible to put us away.
HELENA: Or kill us.

KIKI: Michael, I can’t believe you cheated on me!
MICHAEL: What part of ‘you’re dead to me’ was unclear?
KIKI: Are we still on for dinner tonight?
MICHAEL: No. Because we broke up. Yesterday.
KIKI: So… dinner tomorrow, then?
KIKI: Okay, you’re just talking gibberish now.

ROSALIE: Well, now that I’ve confessed all of my secrets and we’ve had a hot one night stand, I guess I’ll be seeing a lot more of you.
MICHAEL: Yup, sure will!
ROSALIE: I mean, unless I disappear off the face of the earth and no one sees me again for months. But what are the odds of that?
MICHAEL: Yeah, that would be crazy!


AVA: Are you seriously just going to stand there and let your crazy daughter steal my baby?
DONNA MILLS: I know, but I need her money. What else could I do — go to the police, get her institutionalized, and take control of the estate by default?
AVA: I hate you. So much.

MICHAEL: You helped your mother escape, didn’t you?
KIKI: No, of course not! I just warned her that she was about to be arrested and then left her room completely unguarded.
MICHAEL: Have you always been this stupid? How did I never notice before now?
MORGAN: Hey, Kiki’s just as smart as I am!

AVA: Morgan, I can’t believe you told your father where I was. Did you really want him to kill me?
MORGAN: No, of course not! I was going to nicely ask him not to.
AVA: Wow.
MICHAEL: No comment.


NINA: Silas is going to be so happy when he meets our baby!
NINA: Okay.
FRANCO: Wait, that actually worked?

DANTE: It’s over, Franco! But why were you carrying that bag of flour in a baby blanket?
FRANCO: Oh, I was just on my way to go murder the neighbor, and I thought the fake baby might get me into her house easier.
KIKI: You guys, I know this is going to be a shock, but I’m beginning to think Franco might actually not be a very good person.
MORGAN: Okay, I’m starting to see Michael’s point about you.

JULIAN: Lucas, Alexis won’t take me back and I don’t know what to do.
LUCAS: Have you tried not constantly lying to her about everything?
JULIAN: That’s just crazy enough to work!


DANTE: So Faison was pretending to be Luke this whole time? But how did he get out of prison?
ANNA: Yeah, that’s my bad. Robert and I wanted to put him someplace he could never escape, so we just dumped him in a random hole in the ground.
DANTE: Were you always this stupid?
ANNA: No, I really wasn’t.

AGENT SLOANE: Anna, the fact that Faison was a terrorist super villain doesn’t matter. Every piece of corruption from Victor’s time with the WSB must be investigated and punished.
OBRECHT: Well, I’m off to keep running the hospital now.
ANNA: Seriously?

PATRICK: So, it turns out Victor Cassadine actually caused our accident to keep Robin in line.
SABRINA: But why would he need to do that if she was already helping him?
PATRICK: Dunno. Oh, well. Mystery solved!
SABRINA: Aren’t you at least curious? Don’t you at least want to ask Robin–


NIKOLAS: So let me get this straight: you helped Spencer run away to prove you were trustworthy?
BRITT: Yes! Exactly! I’m so glad you understand.
NIKOLAS: Get out of my house.
BRITT: Well, that is the last time I take relationship advice from a nine year old, that’s for sure.

HELENA: So you see, Mr. Morgan, you have no choice but to do my evil bidding. And all we had to do was secretly fish your body out of the river, keep it on ice for a year, find a cure for death, and painstakingly brainwash you into a mindless slave.
JAKE: No offense, lady, but wouldn’t it be easier to just hire someone who actually wants to work for you?
HELENA: Oh, but have you heard the gospel of Jason Morgan? He’s faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound!
JAKE: Okay, everyone in this town is really starting to creep me out.

SAM: Dante, you have to arrest Jake. He’s the gunman who freed Faison!
DANTE: Great, what’s your evidence?
SAM: You’re not going to believe this: they both used the same really common phrase!
DANTE: You… don’t really understand how evidence works, do you?


JOHNNY: Hey, Sonny. Welcome to prison! Remember that time you had your goons lock me up and beat me repeatedly?
SONNY: What’s your point?
JOHNNY: Nothing, nothing. It’s just really good to see you, man! Come over here, there’s some friends I want you to meet.

SONNY: Hey, Shawn. Remember when you failed to kill Franco? And then you failed to keep Carlos captive? And then you failed to kidnap Ava? And then you failed to protect Michael from that hired killer? And then you failed to find my baby? And then you failed to kill Franco again, and he ended up kidnapping you instead?
SHAWN: Sure.
SONNY: Now I need you to rescue my brother from Johnny Zacchara. You’re his only hope.
SHAWN: You really don’t like your brother, do you?
SONNY: Not really, no.

JULIAN: You betrayed us, Jordan. Now you have to die.
JORDAN: I work for Duke now! You can’t kill me without starting a mob war!
JULIAN: Um, we’re kind of already in a mob war? I mean, we were literally going to execute Sonny’s brother yesterday.
JORDAN: What’s your point?


KIKI: Michael, I know I lied to you about Franco, and about Luke–
MORGAN: And about Ava, and about your father’s murder–
KIKI: Wow, we really lied to you a lot this year, huh?
MORGAN: Yeah, crazy. It’s like we don’t respect you at all.
MICHAEL: Get out of my house.

MORGAN: Well, it’s official. You’re the baby’s father, dad.
SONNY: I’ve always wanted a daughter!
MORGAN: You mean another daughter besides Kristina, right?

MAXIE: Oh no! There’s a terrible fog emergency preventing me from getting laid on New Years Eve!
SPINELLI: Well, on the bright side, you get to spend more time with the daughter you’ve been separated from for over a year?
MAXIE: You haven’t seen Nathan’s abs, Spinelli. You couldn’t possibly understand the depth of this tragedy.

OLIVIA: Okay, Falconeri. New Year’s Eve. This is going to be the year when you stop sleeping with men who are in the mob or about to go to prison.
JULIAN: So… my room?
OLIVIA: Oh, who am I kidding?


And that’s it for 2014 in Port Charles! A year of surprise returns, super villainy, and intense boredom punctuated by intense periods of narrative satisfaction. May 2015 be a filled with plot resolutions that actually make sense and about 99% less Kiki.


70 thoughts on “Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

  1. and so it continues…

    my suck soap would be, we still don’t know who fluke really is….that’s what’s sucking for me

    and the repetitive, of repetitive of repetitive stories…and they’re still coming….


    • the luke/fluke sonny stupid story is just so boring at this point….

      yes, you made the dull as all get out year funny

      I’m just shaking my head at today’s episode…..awwwwwwwwwww

      is all I can say….

  2. Love, love, love this. Thank you.
    I’m still shaking my fist over the lost AJ potential.
    If KiKi is gone, I would love it if they gave her screen time to Doc.
    For this next year I’d love to see some relationships develop more. Anna & Liz’s friendship. Dante, Michael, Morgan relationship. Alexis and Sam with a best friend.

    • doc would be lovely..but let’s face it, they want nothing at all to do with him…or Felicia or anyone else…that’s I don’t know, on the right side of the law anymore…..


      sorry…..can’t stand the thought of more sam…I want to see less sam…and more screen time given to everyone else that you’ve mentioned…..


      • Lol, I totally get it. There have been many times I’ve seen characters I dislike or feel are eating the show championed and I’m, “Nooo!”
        I do prefer other characters over Sam and would love to see them have as much screen time. I’d love to know more about Liz’s parents. But, I don’t know, I’m interested in some of her connections, like Lucas, and wouldn’t mind seeing them pulled into the story more. In regards to the friend I guess because I’ve never really seen her have one.

        • why have they never recasted liz’s dad, added her mom to the show..yes…

          yeah whatever happened to him and brad…why don’t we get oh gee I don’t know, brad’s dad into the story……I mean come on….

          liz did have Emily and really no friend since…so yeah..i totally hear you…


          when port Charles last aired, I never wanted to see her again…but, that’s all I’ve been getting day in and day out…..when she’s not on, when sonny’s not on….it’s so much a better show, at least to me…

          sometimes I wish that they’d get her and sonny back together, and have them both leave the show….leave danny behind though, and let the q’s rear him…….I’m sure that we’d get such a better story rather then who’s in this mob, who’s in that mob…enough of the 25 years and counting sopronies…..whatever…you know I never watched that show, and I never wanted to…

          • I don’t think you want Brad’s dad in the story. Brad’s dad is a mobster. A dead mobster. Brad’s dad was part of the Chinese gangs and the grandson of the head of the Chinese mob family. That’s what first drew Lucas and Brad together-they were both sons of mobsters.

          • I know, but it would actually be getting brad and lucas more into the story…..and maybe a refreshing change of pace, other then seeing the same old, same old, all the time…

            I’m sick of puke, I’m sick of sonny and the prison story…I’m sick of this mob….

            I remember that it was brad’s grandfather that kidnaped a baby robin, and everything, I was watching at the time…and besides, clips, lol…keep reminding me about it….



            I need another mob family, other then the one that is so connected to stupid….that it’s not funny….

            now that to me would be bringing a story full circle……..rather then stupid’s story…..and possibly who puke is…..

  3. This was a fabulous birthday present. If it weren’t International No Online Overreacting Day, I might claim it’s the best present ever. Or, I could just claim that tomorrow. Today I’ll just say that I can’t figure out my favorite part of it, there’s just so much to choose from.

    • There wasn’t until yesterday, I’m just trying to make one. But that’s another thing for another time. Although it can be argued that soaps are thing that people definitely overreact on.

      But to bring things back to the original post, it’s a rare talent that can bring Lassie and Princess Bride together so cohesively.

  4. Wow! That was hilarious. So many funny lines. But this, was hands down, my favourite:

    SONNY: Hello. My name is Sonny Corinthos. You killed my Connie. Prepare to die.

    I laughed so hard, I got a little light headed.

    • I’m not crazy about the idea of any more mobsters showing up, but this show could definitely stand to be less white, and Asian Americans are hugely unrepresented everywhere on television, but ESPECIALLY on soaps. It would be nice to see that change.

        • that’s what I’m saying….

          why don’t we have more Asians on tv….they’re not that much of a minority anymore…so….why not represent the whole…instead of just one…

          and why do we need just Michael and morgan antagonising which way to live their lives…why can’t we have someone else for a change….


  5. They didn’t follow up on Michael and Rosie? That was one of the two or three good things I saw last year. Thanks for the year in review. Very witty as always (“seems legit” was my fave) and caught me up on a year I missed a lot of.

    • Funnily enough, they actually followed up on it today for the first time since their one night stand. And it looks like she’s going to be pulled into the larger umbrella plot, so who knows what the deal was…

    • maybe we’ll get more of Michael and rosie since they’re now working together….hope that this isn’t a spoiler…and then the likes of kiki are going….so


  6. Perfection. I am crying tears of joy at the fact that I am not the only one who thinks the entire year was mostly nonsense. Yes, I know it’s a soap, which is nonsense by its very nature. However, I have high standards for what is and is not acceptable soap nonsense! After watching GH for 50 years I think of myself as an armchair expert. I can’t wait to share this. I think Mr. Varni, Mr. Valentini, and Mr. Cartinin should be locked in a room by Franco (I would send Shawn but he would lose them before they ever got there), and made to have every line of your year in review re-enacted until they scream for mercy and promise to fire RC and hire someone who knows how to write for daytime. (I hated his writing on OLTL too.)

    Have a very Happy New Year!

    • I think Mr. Varni, Mr. Valentini, and Mr. Cartinin should be locked in a room by Franco (I would send Shawn but he would lose them before they ever got there), and made to have every line of your year in review re-enacted until they scream for mercy and promise to fire RC and hire someone who knows how to write for daytime. (I hated his writing on OLTL too.)

      I almost cried when MM left as the writer, I really did………

      I agree….we need a whole new crop of soap writers..and I don’t mean the ones that have been a writer at every soap that’s out there, and that ever was…

      what about the know who are in their 20’s 30’s..those whose demographic they claim to be writing for…I bet that they could do a far better job..then who has been writing for the past 30 some odd years….

      they are clearly running out of things to write about, when they have to go and perfect plots that were done 20 years or more ago now..


      • Nothing would make me happier than for this regime to get canned. They have systemically destroyed GH to the point it is unrecognizable. Name the last hospital story? The major one was the Sparklepony trying to steal Robin’s life. And that really wasn’t a hospital story, just Sabrina panting after Patrick in the halls of GH while Britt was mean to her.
        After that…ZERO. Instead it is all camp.

        • They were in the hospital more this year than they have been in years. The Nurses Ball, Obrecht running the hospital, Nina, Franco, Britt, Brad, Felix, Danny’s check ups, Jake Doe…

          Lucas just became an intern at GH…

          Definitely a lot more hospital. Now medical stories? Not as much but a TON of use for the Hospital set and it’s personnel.

    • Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it. :)

      To be clear, I don’t actually think Carlivati and Valentini are doing a terrible job, and I would hate for this post to give the impression I want them fired. We write these reviews with a lot of snark but also a lot of affection, and the fact that I’m making a joke about something doesn’t mean I’m angry about it. Well, sometimes it does. (KIKI! WHY DO YOU EXIST?) But usually it just means I think it was funny.)

      I do think this past year was the weakest since they came on board, and part of that was the result of backstage stuff out of their control (KMc’s schedule, Tony Geary’s health problems, etc.). Part of of it is just them focusing on stuff I don’t find very interesting. But even at its most boring, there are still about a million things I like more about current GH than I did during most of the preceding decade. So on the whole, I’m not too concerned.

      • I wish that they would be gone….I keep on saying that we need a whole new crop of writers…not those that have been in the business for decades, and who have written for multiple soaps…..because that to me is why they are so stagnant….they just bring a story over from another soap, write about it, with said characters, and all that……

        if they really want refreshing…then hire someone who’s well not really that new..but somewhat new….and not those that have written, and written, and written…hey eventually you are going to run out of material…

        except for Nathan and that, which new characters has he created……….

        bill was there before….there are rumours that fluke might be someone else…well that someone else has been there before…he dug up Julian…and that….

        and the cassidines…they are not his creation…..

        I know that people hate new families on soaps…but to me they are far more interesting, then those that I never wanted to come back from the dead, in the first place….in so many ways, I wish that the americal soaps were like the british…if you’re dead, you stay that way..i know that so and so jerk will never come back…..

        some I wish they would…but others..that are serial killers…like the American soaps so love…do not……and that to me is real story telling….

        and watching children actually grow up on a show…..there are maybe 5 children on the brit one that I watch, that I know and love seeing grow up on the soap, and one even with a child of his own…

        what a treat it was to see robin grow up that way….but…..she is the only one….which is sad….


        this soap needs creativity…not just bring them back from the dead……yes, I love the fact that Julian is back, I’ve always liked him…but so not in this form….I love William devry, don’t get me wrong..but the fact that this show will not move away from the mob, is driving me nuts……I didn’t watch sopronos, and never want to…so…..after 25 years, we need to start moving away from it, rather then bringing in another mobster, another, and another, and another……..

  7. I do think this past year was the weakest since they came on board, and part of that was the result of backstage stuff out of

    they haven’t been on that long…they are only going into year three….so…

    • I liked the other two years quite a lot, so that’s not a huge indictment. All three were still infinitely more enjoyable for me personally that anything in the preceding ten years.

      Regarding the mob, I’m not crazy about them either, but the truth is that there are a significant number of fans who like the mob stories and love Sonny being a mobster and would be just as upset if they disappeared. As long as it’s popular enough — and it is — the mob is going to exist no matter who is writing the show.

      • that much is true..i did like the turn around with britt….from bitch…to kind of nice person…someone that actually learnt a lesson for a change….

        I did like that AJ came back from the dead…..and Julian for the most part…

        yes there are parts that I did really like, the return of the nurses’ ball was great…I really missed that…and other returning characters like lucas, bobbie, scotty, and that……just wish that they’d use them more, rather then all st sonny all the time…

        that’s the most part what I’m complaining about…

        but in order to stuff up the likes of Helena and fluke…anna needs to be the pod person….I wish that they made the cops smart…but let’s face it, they never will…


        don’t even watch Patrick anymore, because of the reasons you said….but I was one of the few who actually liked him and the nurse….that other woman..i can’t stand..never could, never will, from day one when they shoved her and jax down our throats….


  8. I agree, tenillypo. There’s plenty to pick on – and thank goodness! it’s part of the fun of soap-watching, as far as I’m concerned. I enjoy the show under FV/RC a thousand times more than I did under JFP/Guza/Pratt and whomever the head writer was between Guza and Carlivati. RC makes choices I don’t always understand and likes things I don’t. But overall, the show is just more entertaining than it’s been in years; and unlike the decade of the Drab Four, if there’s one story I don’t like, there’s another one I do. Rarely since FV/RC took over have I been completely disengaged.

  9. Well said Despair in the afternoon!

    I personally think this regime is the worst. I still don’t buy into FV blaming Kimberly McCullough’s schedule when he works with EVERYONES schedule like MB, RoH, MS, ME, and just recently even BM from Y&R admitted they work with him. Kimberly is a GH VET and has been available and has said it is not up to her but it is up to FV as to when she returns. She even left a directing job in the past a day earlier to accommodate GH. YET FV has some buying into his kool aid blaming Kimberly. FV did the same thing when Robin first died and FV said in an mag interview that if money allowed he would see how often he brings Robin back. Guess FV doesn’t care about money NOW when he brought on Y&R and OLTL people and paid them HUGE amounts of money. How about having KMC direct GH the show she grew up on instead of giving it to AS from DOOL and they could have Kimberly accessible when they want . You don’t ruin a legacy character like Robin to further your plot point writing. I don’t care anymore about THIS Patrick who has become unrecognizable first from when paired with the nurse and much the same now which is the same story only insert a different woman. ANNA has become a pod person since she knows her daughter just like Patrick does and while they thought she had PTSD neither went to investigate. Patrick is a hypocrite who hates the mob unless it comes to him and the mob Jason’s wife. I lost faith in GH under these writers and producers. Some say at least you have GH. NO we actually lost GH the day FV and RC showed up. I don’t need the mags or TPTB telling me who to like. Maybe GH should go find out why they lost viewers instead of believing their own hype and telling people what to like.

    • I don’t think it’s a question of blame. But the fact is that KMc did not want to be at GH full time anymore, and that has presented a challenge for the writing. And it’s a challenge that I don’t think they’ve always succeeded at meeting for sure. The original kidnapping story was great until she actually came back, but since then, the strain of keeping Robin alive but not on screen while leaving Patrick a viable romantic lead has not been handled as well as it could have been.

      I’m sure it *is* up to FV when she comes back, because he’s got a budget and other stories and actor times to balance and schedule in advance. Robin cannot just show up any day KMc happens to be free. They have to plan it and work it in when they can. But that is not the same things as saying she would be back full time if only they would let her. It’s not FV’s fault and it’s not KMc’s fault. It’s just the situation we’re in, and I can wish it would have been handled differently in the writing for Robin, but I certainly don’t envy them the task of dealing with her long absences.

      As for having lost GH when the current regime showed up, we will just have to agree to disagree. I felt like my show was lost to me for years. What we have now is not perfect, but it never was — not even in the years we now think as the golden ones. But it is more recognizably my show than is has been in a very long time.

    • I’m not going to blame RC and them for KMC..the original plan, per her asking was to kill her off from her AIDS>…but, when they began writing, they said, no, that they weren’t going to kill her, that they’d do just what they’re doing instead…

      the problem that I have with them is that they have to bring back every bad person that there ever was, that’s the problem that I have…they did that over on one life…and it just got sickening after awhile…..that every demented person on the show had to come back…I wasn’t watching when they were on in the first place, so I really didnt’ care about them at all…and now he’s kind of doing the same with GH….

      no I never saw victor, I began watching after……I would rather he brought back Stephan…..others… that…instead of all the demented people that there ever was on this show…….it gets so boring after awhile..

      why don’t we have a proper story with ELQ…why don’t we have a well rounded story…why hasn’t monica seen jake since he woke up…and all that kind of stuff….stuff that should be happening isn’t….and stuff that I couldn’t care less about is out there in droves…

      they have some ELQ stuff like you said…but there should be more of it….

      and all that…

      this who is after sonny is just so boring, now…


  10. Sure, there are things I don’t like, and some of them I really don’t like. But my goodness, after years of Guza and Pratt and Wolfe, not to mention the “unpalatable” Dena Higley on OLTL, I can recognize that, while there are always going to be things I can’t stand, and things I find way off the mark, these are the guys I want to keep. Plus, since they’ve brought up the ratings, brought down the costs, and brought mainstream soap coverage back, we are far less in danger of being cancelled than we’ve been in the recent past. Which is good, since you promised me a clown in next year’s review. (Ok, maybe not promised, but I’m taking it that way anyway).

  11. I just can’t get worked up about KMc. I think that Patrick is better without Robin, just as I think Sam is better without Jason. I wish they’d given Robin a better exit story, just as I wish they hadn’t brought Jason back from the dead. But FV/RC use the vets far more than Guza ever did, and the show is much livelier and diversified in terms of story focus. Plus, they’ve let characters actually move on and develop beyond years-long ruts. Carly, Liz and Sam have all reached various levels of cordiality, while still remembering all that history. ELQ is actually a factor in a major plotline again. Hell, Michael’s a damned Quartermaine and Sonny’s in prison – where’s the recognition that major developments fans have been clamoring for for yeas are actually happening? No, I don’t like every detail of every story – but I’m enjoying more of the show than I have in ages.

  12. The original kidnapping story was great until she actually came back, but since then, the strain of keeping Robin alive but not on screen while leaving Patrick a viable romantic lead has not been handled as well as it could have been.

    exactly….I know that a lot of people would have liked to see him and liz…..robin did ask her to keep an eye on him……so….it could have started out as that..and then lead to something else……..


  13. They have to plan it and work it in when they can. But that is not the same things as saying she would be back full time if only they would let her. It’s not FV’s fault and it’s not KMc’s fault. It’s just the situation we’re in, and I can wish it would have been handled differently in the writing for Robin, but I certainly don’t envy them the task of dealing with her long absences.

    I have to disagree with that part….KMC can come back full time if she so choose


    • Of course she can. But she’s not responsible for how and when they work her character into the story in the meantime. I’m just saying I don’t think this is a situation where either the show or the actress should be blamed, per se. They’re both trying to keep Robin alive as a character in a less than ideal situation, and I don’t personally see the point in trying to demonize either party.

      • I don’t think this is a situation where either the show or the actress should be blamed, per se. They’re both trying to keep Robin alive as a character in a less than ideal situation, and I don’t personally see the point in trying to demonize either party

        I do agree with that part


  14. KMc doesn’t want to come back full time. And as long as she doesn’t want to do that, the show has two choices – kill her off or come up with a reason to keep her alive and offscreen that doesn’t marginalize Patrick completely. Personally, I think they should have had Robin as well as Jason be brainwashed. As long as you’re writing a mind control story, use it!

    But KMc doesn’t owe it to anyone to stay on GH full time forever; and RC/FV are right, IMO, to free up Patrick for another love interest. Personally, I love his friendship with Liz as platonic and am glad they didn’t opt for that as a romance. I think Patrick and Sam are a great pairing; I hope the show doesn’t toss them aside to put Sam back together with Jason when he gets his memories back.

    • They shouldn’t ruin Robin a legacy for Patrick that’s ridiculòus and what is not fair. And as for KIMBERLY coming back she said she would do both if they work with her scheudle and if they work with others like MB, MS, RoH, BM and others they can certainly work with KIMBERLY. I believe I stated all the fact so Ther is no excuse for FV not using her.FV had NO problem with others schedules like his OLTL people when the Prospect Park nonsense started and he stalled story on GH to fit his OLTL people. TG who was sick this time but has LONG vacations and screws up story and while Robin got blamed it was TG who wasn’t available. I pointed out everything in my original post. So I am not going to repeat myself again. This isn’t GH that myself and many remember. FV and RC ruinded characters like Patrick, Anna and many others vets included who are unrecognizable. Don’t get me started on what they did to Frisco and Robert Scorpio with RC telling peole he had story for TR when TR went not Y&R. Well anyone knows if you have story you FIRST secure the actor. So excuse me for not buying into the kool aid RC and FV are selling. I have aged the facts AGAIN. I want my GH back and even Guza wasn’t this bad.

      • I have to agree with fran…if he can do it for everyone else…then he can definitely do it with kim…..


        I know, I so don’t get that part either..that TR was going to have this great story and all he got was nothing……that’s why I’m enjoying him on YR….colin, I can kind of take him or leave him..but TR I am enjoying seeing..

        and also we were supposed to get a whole lot more of Felicia, mac, bobbie, scotty, and kevin..and look where that all got us, a whole lot of nothing, just like what happened with Guza…so……..

        so for me him and guza in a lot of ways are just the same…….

    • Patrick and Sam are as forced and propped the same way Sabrina and Patrick were. It’s a joke. Patrick is a hyprocrite since he is mad at Robin for saving Jason, who he hates because Jason is the mob. And J&R had a real friendship before Patrick where Jason saved Robin and gave her back her life so Robin could have a life with Patrick and Emma. They are no where near Patrick and Sams plot point friendship, but now Patrick is Ok with the mobs wife. When Robin told him she wasn’t just doing this for Jason but for Sam and Danny as well, PATRICK said he doesn’t give a damn about Sam or Danny. So please this is another rewritten forced plot point pairing and many not buying it. I cannot wait for Patrick and Sam the forced plot point couple to implode.

      • I have to so agree fran…..


        but I fear the alternative…….because her and this Jason are forced beyond repair…..and she and anyone as far as I’m concerned are forced….since day one…….so….

    • I don’t know how anyone can think Patrick and Sam are a viable pairing. He is a brain surgeon…she is an uneducated mob moll. He hated Robin having anything to do with the mob and Jason was so dangerous, but yet he is humping Jason’s wife and all is well.

      As for KMcs long absences…blame that on the suck of Cartini and their inept storytelling. They have created a show of nothing but bad plot point after plot point. There is no depth or layers to any character or story. It is just get me to the next point. KMc stated she was available, they chose not to use her. They requested that Robin remain alive. They only use her for story movement and ratings ploys.

      • want to know why…it’s because sam has been with just about every man on the show at one point in time……and there’s no one left for her…..until she finds out about jake, and even then, that might not go, because of what he tried to do to her…so

        and Patrick, well without robin, he doesn’t have a story…and he is a legacy character and all that…so…..but, I like what you have to say about the both of them…for them to be together, makes no sense at all..

        at least with him and liz, it would make sense….because doctors and nurses they do get together, in the real world…so.

        but that’s the reason……they have to barf, give KM a story….and we’re stuck with it


        • Patrick hasn’t been on the show for even 10 years and that certainly is not a legacy character. Robin and Kimberly grew up on the GH from a child to adult and has over 25 years thats a legacy. I have seen many not wanting him to move on to another woman but to get a story since NOT everyone needs a pairing for a story which is why GH is the worst. Patrick could get story and insert Robin when she is available which has been this WHOLE past year.

  15. They have created a show of nothing but bad plot point after plot point

    which is just the way that they wrote on ONE LIFE>…


  16. there is a lot of lack of continuity for their stories…

    like take for instance, maxie…why on earth did she not get custody after the first six months……that keeping her away from the baby, first because of that stupid aussie, and then Nathan was just dumb as all get out….’

    and why did they even bring him in……his father was seen for like what 30 seconds..he didnt’ even have a scene with the woman that he was almost married to..that was just stupid as all get out..let’s bring Felicia’s story in, and gee, not use them in the long run…even when you’re tying a story into the long lost characters……

    so it is nothing more then plot points……..


  17. Patrick could get story and insert Robin when she is available which has been this WHOLE past year

    I agree…but sadly they do not


  18. It’s always so interesting, how differently things appear to different people. Personally, I have never liked Robin all that much. I don’t hate her; I just don’t find her very interesting, and I think KMc is a competent but not terribly compelling actress. I have liked her mainly for her relationships with other people over the years, not for herself. I found the initial Robin/Patrick relationship to be forced and cliched – he’s a player! she’s sooo serious! The only time they really worked for me was right after the Metro Court and right after she came back from the dead.

    I do not think the show wrote her a good exit story. But I would much rather have Sam and Patrick together than with Jason and Robin, respectively. I think they’re a much more interesting pairing. And Sam isn’t really connected with the mob all that closely anymore – she’s now (as far as she knows) the widow of a mob enforcer working as a perfectly legal PI, using her connections on both sides of the law to do her job. I like the way she brings “adventure” into Patrick’s life and he talks her back from going to far (breaking into doctor files).

    KMc said recently that she could have stayed longer during her last run on the show. She has said repeatedly that she doesn’t want to come back on contract full time. The showrunners have a right to use her availability in a way that fits into their larger vision for the show. They are not obligated to sideline one of their best actors in order to pay homage to a character who is no longer on the show on an ongoing basis. This is what happens on soaps when one actor leaves and one stays. The writers have to justify Laura leaving Luke, Holly leaving Robert, Frisco leaving Felicia, Brenda leaving Sonny, etc., etc. etc. We may not like how they do it. But I don’t see anyone ‘trashing’ anything. I see writers making choices, some of which I agree with, some of which, I don’t.

    My fervent hope is that when Jason inevitably gets his memory back and Robin finally escapes captivity once and for all, Sam/Patrick remain together anyway. Obviously that’s an unpopular opinion here. But I think they’re the best pairing either character has ever had.

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