When Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante came on board, there were a lot of big promises about bringing romance back. Almost a year later, we’ve seen Hayden mourn the man who had her shot in the head, Lucas and Brad’s exciting off screen honeymoon, and Julian threatening to slit Alexis’ throat.
But that’s all about to change, because people were getting all hot and bothered this week! Sure, they were all couples no one cares about. And sure, all these people have the chemistry of dead fish being smacked together. But love in the afternoon, you guys! Sort of!
pretty bras in the afternoon?
How can such attractive people possibly be so boring? Oh, right… she has no personality and he has no plot and together they get about five minutes of airtime a month. Now, I remember.
I want to like Valerie. I really do. She’s part of a core family, she’s one of two non-white women on the show, and despite the whole Dante mess, she’s not an offensive character. But they do absolutely nothing with her family connections and everything else about her is just criminally bland when she’s even on screen at all.
On the other hand, Curtis is the most charismatic new male character since poor dead Carlos. And just like both Carlos and his oddly less attractive twin, Curtis is being wasted on a total lump of a leading lady. (Side note: I will give one hundred virtual dollars to anyone who can explain why so many men are inexplicably obsessed with Sabrina. PLEASE someone explain it to me.) Meanwhile, Rebecca Herbst is sitting right over there, spending all of her considerable chemistry on a serial killer while these good looking men languish in romantic black holes. Because the universe hates me. Continue reading
It’s the first day of Alexis and Julian’s wedding extravaganza, so we’re recapping this hot mess! Starting with Nikolas and Hayden lounging in bed. Nikolas thinks they should get up and get ready for Alexis’ wedding but Hayden thinks there’s plenty of time to keep having sex (with her bra on, natch).
Meanwhile, across town and through a time vortex, Maxie marches into the police station, announcing there is barely time for Nathan to get his tux on or they’ll be late. Not that she has much to worry about, because the groom is still hanging out at the MetroCourt, getting ready to open a second bottle of champagne. He cuts his hand in the process, causing Olivia to freak out over her latest vision sort of coming true. Continue reading
Ah, the third try at a fifth wedding. What could be more sacred? If you answered “everything?” you are correct. But it doesn’t matter, because Carly and Sonny are tying the knot — again, some more — and we’re recapping this train wreck.
Carly wheels Sonny into the hospital chapel — where, you may recall, she is fully expecting to be crashing some strangers’ wedding for no reason — and instead finds Morgan, Michael, and Dante wearing tuxes. Gasp! Sonny asks if she’ll marry him right now. Continue reading
Once up a time, there was a character named Spinelli. Or the Jackal. Or Assassin of the Internet. Or Doucheface, if you’re listening to the side commentary from my living room.
For yes, brave Spinelli was a bit of a doucheface. It wasn’t his fault exactly. The writers just delighted in keeping him an entitled, incomprehensible, nick-name giving, mob-worshiping, out of touch with reality ass-toad.
But little by little, he started to become a real boy. The nicknames became manageable, the entitlement dropped, the smug lectures about morality while working for the mafia disappeared. By the time he left, the narrator didn’t actually hate his guts anymore. It was a General Hospital miracle! And then he came back. Continue reading
As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:
General Hospital 2014
NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.
SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.
ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?
NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason? Continue reading
I’m stuffed with cookies and good spirit, so we’re doing a recap! We open on the hospital, where Nathan is wearing an adorable bib and little white socks to eat his Christmas Eve ribs. Maxie calls from Portland, looking more festive and fresh faced than I ever am after a cross country flight.
But she apparently got bumped to first class on the last minute Christmas Eve flight she was somehow able to afford, despite not having had a job in over a year. Because these are the kinds of things that happen to soap opera people. Continue reading
If there’s one thing I’m already appreciating about Billy Miller’s Jason, it’s… okay, it’s everything. I appreciate everything about him. LET’S NOT BE COY.
But I especially appreciate the fact that he has more than one facial expression, and almost all of them are incredibly snarky. This is handy, because Elizabeth’s snark-ometer has been off the charts lately, too.
ADORABLE SNARKY BABIES
You all know that nothing makes me happier than soap characters casually explaining SOAPS! insanity to newcomers, so if Liz just keeps explaining the utterly bananas history of everyone they run into while Jason makes incredulous faces in the background, I’ll be pretty much in heaven. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. Continue reading
So, Crichton-Clark is no more and the final score is: two Cassadines down, one not actually a Cassadine after all, and the most fabulous Cassadine — along with her fabulous gams — back among the living.
VICTOR’S AMAZING STYLIST STRIKES AGAIN
Although considering Stavros has now “died” a BAZILLION times, if I were Dante, I would have spent a little less time hugging my wife and a little more time giving him a triple tap to the head followed by a bullet in every major organ, burning the body, and scattering the ashes to the four corners. But if soap characters ever stopped to really make sure the bodies of super-villains were dead dead, 99.9% of the plot would never happen. Continue reading
Anyone familiar with my love of both scenery chewing and camp could probably predict my reaction to the return of Stavros Cassadine. (Spoiler alert: that reaction was excited seal clapping.)
The man is kind of like a bag of Sour Patch Kids, you know? Sure, if you eat the whole thing, your mouth is going to hurt. But a little bit of him admonishing other people for being melodramatic while giving a speech about impregnating his ice princess with her own stolen embryo is just the perfect sugary hit you need.
Robert Kelker-Kelly is a national treasure, you guys. Even if he did make the poor decision to shave his goatee of evil. And he’s clearly inspiring everyone around him, judging by Dominic Zamprogna’s hilariously over the top screaming as Lulu received her hormone injection. Continue reading
I’m trying to ease myself back into posting more regularly, but it’s tough, y’all. So have a recap:
Emma and Spencer are continuing their breakfast chat. I guess Port Charles is a magical place where schools don’t start until noon, leaving all second graders with plenty of time for leisurely impromptu restaurant trips. He thinks he knows who’s trying to hurt her family.
Close by, Sam is interrogating a delightfully clean shaven Patrick about why he didn’t mention the business card they found in Rafe’s things. (He looks easily ten years younger without the beard, right? That’s not just me?)
Anna’s office: the lady in question helpfully recaps the situation for us while on the phone with a worried Mac. The Port Charles Press, by the way, is sporting this magnificent cover photo: Continue reading