Oh, how we laughed!

Wow, you guys. What an episode! I have not laughed like that in a long time. But which part was the funniest? So hard to choose from so much bonkers.

A) The super dramatic slow pan over a bunch of adults just staring while a child… standing a few feet away… very slowly… picked up a tin can? (Kind of like that Austin Powers steamroller scene? Only dumber. Much, much dumber.)

noooooooooooooo

B) The reveal of Helena’s final diabolical plan? Which, as far as I can tell, boils down to the following:

Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day Three

The TiVo summary for this episode is: “Andre makes a major discovery; Carly zeroes in on her enemy; Curtis oversteps.” Wow. Seems like they nailed all the really important notes.

Anyway, full recap tonight! Jason’s confronting Griffin about the chimera necklace. Griffin tells him it used to belong to Anna’s sister. Jason thinks this can’t be a coincidence!

Dillon thanks nurse Deanna for filling in for Kiki, since she has to work tonight. I feel like performing at a charity ball sponsored by your employed should automatically mean not getting scheduled to work that night, but I guess this is why I don’t make nursing schedules.

Year of Suck in Review: 2015

A ratings death spiral, new writers but the same old writing, and the return of Saint Jasus. It has been a really, truly, deeply terrible year, y’all. Let’s relive it in all it’s awful glory.

General Hospital 2015

DANTE: I figured it out, Luke. You’re really Bill Eckert!
FLUKE: Oh, you totally got me!
AUDIENCE: Really? I mean, that kind of makes sense–
FLUKE: No, not really. I’ve been Luke the whole time.
RON CARLIVATI: What a twist!
AUDIENCE: Typical.

JULIAN: Well, my mysterious boss is trying to kill me, again.
ALEXIS: So, are you finally going to work with the police to take him down?
JULIAN: No, I’m going to confess to a murder I didn’t commit so I can be thrown into prison with my sworn enemy. Much safer that way.
ALEXIS: I can’t believe I’m actually in love with this idiot.

JOHNNY: What’s up, suckers! Turns out I didn’t murder my father after all!
ANNA: What? But that’s the only crime this department has ever managed to solve!
JOHNNY: No, J/K, I totally killed that asshole. But I’m still going free!
ANNA: Sometimes I really hate this job.

This week, on revisionist history…

Helena’s dead! Again! Some more! You’ll forgive me if I don’t get too excited over it when 1) she is clearly immortal, and 2) she “died” in the same episode where Carlos miraculously came back to life, proving once again that death has absolutely no meaning in Port Charles.

(J/K! Quartermaines stay dead forever!)

At least this gave the writers an excuse to get all the remaining Cassadines together on Cassadine island — you know, Helena, Nikolas, Sam. Wait a minute, wasn’t there another Cassadine? Maybe someone with a ton of history with Helena, who has hated and feared her for her entire life? Someone who’s been conspicuously absent from most of this Dark!Nikolas story, even though she’s so closely related to both him and Sam? Anyone? Bueller?

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason?

Here he comes to save the day! Mighty Jason on his way!

So, Crichton-Clark is no more and the final score is: two Cassadines down, one not actually a Cassadine after all, and the most fabulous Cassadine — along with her fabulous gams — back among the living.

VICTOR’S AMAZING STYLIST STRIKES AGAIN

Although considering Stavros has now “died” a BAZILLION times, if I were Dante, I would have spent a little less time hugging my wife and a little more time giving him a triple tap to the head followed by a bullet in every major organ, burning the body, and scattering the ashes to the four corners. But if soap characters ever stopped to really make sure the bodies of super-villains were dead dead, 99.9% of the plot would never happen.

I left my heart on Cassadine Island.

I don’t know if I have the words to properly express what an UTTERLY BANANAS week this has been.

But let’s just say that when you start with the freaking Nurses’ Ball and then take one part back-from-the-dead-supervillian, add in some fake flashbacks that manage to somehow tie about five separate plot strands going back months — and in some cases years — into a coherent whole, add a dash of cat fight, a pinch of implausible cryogenics and psychic visions, and a big, honking dump of hysterical glee from the sidelines?

Well, what you get is some DAMN FINE SOAP, people.

I mean, if the sight of Dante desperately begging a frozen NuLu to live while a reanimated Stavros Cassadine shrieks madly for HIS ICE PRINCESS as he is frozen (again!) isn’t enough to get your soapy juices flowing, then I just don’t know what would.

… and here’s to 50 more.

You guys, I think I’m a little too verklempt for intelligent commentary on today’s episode. So we’re going to mark the occasion with a straight up recap:

We open on Epiphany talking on the phone to someone named Doris about someone named Frank while an extra carries a portrait of Steve Hardy out to display in the lobby.

Meanwhile, Patrick is about to give the new group of interns a tour, as the Chief of Staff is nowhere to be found. Of course, that’s because Monica is right where we left her — at home fighting with Tracy. Suddenly, they both see Alan appear.

(Note that by this point, I am already crying. It just goes downhill from here.)

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2012

2012 will go down as the year we got our show back, y’all. I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up hope. Especially after the train wreck straight into a turd pile that was 2011.

The last 12 months may not have been completely perfect in Port Charles, but they were still pretty effing amazing. Let’s relive the wonder and the WTF together, shall we?

General Hospital 2012

CARLY: A new year, new beginnings!
SONNY: Nope, everyone in town is still yelling at you about keeping your hopes that Jax is alive a secret from me, the man who recently tried to murder him.
CARLY: Damn it.

JASON: Sorry, Michael. Didn’t see you standing there in the road due to my Franco-rage blackout.
MICHAEL: Jason, you’ve raised and protected me all my life, and even sent yourself to prison for me. But you didn’t immediately tell me that my mom thinks Jax is alive. Which means you’re the worst person ever and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
JASON: Wow. We really did raise you into an insufferable brat, didn’t we?

PATRICK: I don’t want to be overly dramatic… but if Jason gets so much as a hangnail, his brain will explode.
JASON: No stress. Gotcha. I just need to kill the guy who raped my wife first.
FRANCO: But if you kill me, then you’ll never know the HORRIBLE TRUTH about– *gurgles*
JASON: I’m okay with that. Now, no more stress forever!
SAM: Guess what? I’m pregnant!

MONICA: Elizabeth, in my official capacity as your boss, I think it’s only fair I tell you your performance review this year will state that you’re a baby-killing, husband-stealing trollop.
ROBIN: Wow, it’s a shame to see Monica lose her grip like that. Ah, well. Say, Elizabeth, small favor to ask: after I leave my husband and daughter without a word to go die alone, would you mind terribly stepping in as their new wife and mother?
ELIZABETH: Yeah, this is too bonkers even for me. I think I’ll just go lay on a gurney and stare at the ceiling with my not-therapist/maybe boyfriend for a while.

LADY IN WHITE: I don’t know my real name! But you can call me Cassandra. Because my therapist thought naming me after one of the most tragic figures in literature might help me with my tendencies toward Gothic melodrama.
ETHAN: How’s that working out for you?
CASSANDRA: Prithee, my lord? I could not hear you over the sound of my white gown billowing mournfully as I looked out over the parapet onto the misty moor.
ETHAN: We’re… on an island.
CASSANDRA: Silence! I must away into the tunnels!
ETHAN: Oh, yeah. She’s into me.

I just have to say…

Everything about this conversation delights me:

HELENA: Let me see if I understand you correctly. Somehow Faison cheated death. And then he spent the ensuing years altering his appearance so that he could assume the identity of Anna Devane’s ex-husband. […] And you uncovered Faison’s deception because a woman with LSD induced psychic powers told you.
ROBERT: Basically.
HELENA: I have one question. Where are the cameras?
ROBERT: The cameras?
HELENA: The hidden cameras. I assume this is for some tacky reality show — “The Real Cassadines of Spoon Island”?
ROBERT: Hey, I realize this kind of strains credulity.
HELENA: Strains? Credulity was annihilated even before you got the LSD and that was my favorite part! You seriously expect me to believe this fiction?
ROBERT: But this is real!
HELENA: Science fiction.
ROBERT: This from a woman who tried to freeze the world with a diamond powered weather machine?

First of all, I would watch a The Real Cassadines of Spoon Island series in a heartbeat. Also, the fact that Helena went through all that while knowing Robert was actually right makes it even more delicious.