At least some plots are kind of moving?

It’s Halloween in Port Charles! We open on Nina, which is never a good sign for my enjoyment of an episode. She turns off the tv when Franco comes in, and he immediately accuses her of having started “Slaughter Fest” without him. Aw, he’s a former serial killer who enjoys watching slasher films! Isn’t that… sweet?

Nina wants to go over to the Haunted Star party. I mean, she is the main investor for Dillon’s movie, so I’m surprised she wasn’t already planning to be there. Franco very obviously does not want to leave the house, but they’re interrupted by Kiki’s drunken appearance.

Meanwhile Morgan and Darby — aka the living proof that it is possible for someone to have less charisma and acting ability than Kiki — are already at the party and awkwardly flirting. He’s dressed like Captain Morgan (GET IT?) and she is a “sexy” mummy. I do not understand any of the decisions that went into putting this character on my television screen, but whoever was involved with them should be shot.

Nurses’ Ball 2015: Day Three

Oh, boy. Guys, I think I went through the five stage of grief all while watching this episode. Admittedly, watching it took a while, because I kept having to pause when I got too angry. But now, having drank a bit and also watched a documentary on the Ebola outbreak for some perspective, I’m finally verging on acceptance.

So, fine. Elizabeth is kind of a supervillain now. You know what? It happens. Ask Tony Stark. And after moving through the denial and anger and the crushing disappointment that the couple I’ve loved for over 15 years just got tanked once again, I’ve decided I’m just going to be supportive.

If Liz wants to be a supervillain? Then by God, I want her to be the best supervillain she can be.

About a boy…who is in need of a punch.

Once up a time, there was a character named Spinelli. Or the Jackal. Or Assassin of the Internet. Or Doucheface, if you’re listening to the side commentary from my living room.

For yes, brave Spinelli was a bit of a doucheface. It wasn’t his fault exactly. The writers just delighted in keeping him an entitled, incomprehensible, nick-name giving, mob-worshiping, out of touch with reality ass-toad.

But little by little, he started to become a real boy. The nicknames became manageable, the entitlement dropped, the smug lectures about morality while working for the mafia disappeared. By the time he left, the narrator didn’t actually hate his guts anymore. It was a General Hospital miracle! And then he came back.

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2013

What can you say about a year where the highs got us a 50th anniversary Nurses’ Ball spectacular and the lows got us the return of Franco? Throw on your copy of All I Need, rip off your Duke mask, and get ready to weep for John McBain all over again — it’s time for our annual year in review:

General Hospital 2013

SPINELLI: Instead of just talking about our feelings like adults, let’s do it Affair to Remember style!
ELLIE: You mean that movie that ends with the woman getting paralyzed and not making the meeting through no fault of her own? And the man just assumes the worst and it nearly ruins both their lives?
SPINELLI: I see absolutely no way this plan could go wrong.

STARR: You killed my boyfriend and my daughter!
JOHNNY: I also gave you a record contract? So, you know… there’s that.
STARR: Seriously?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I know. I’m the worst.

TODD: I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over a tiny little thing like lying about my granddaughter’s killer. I mean, you didn’t even blink an eye at the baby swap thing!
CARLY: Listen, I’m not a hypocrite. But don’t you realize how this works? Only I’m allowed to do the lying in my relationships.

Farewell, sweet Jackal.

If you’d told me a few years ago that one day Spinelli would be leaving the show and I wouldn’t be throwing a parade to celebrate, I might not  have believed you.

This is a character who’s variously annoyed and enraged me almost nonstop for the last seven years — from his insulting cliche of socially maladjusted nerdery to his hypocritical moral self-righteousness while working for the effing mafia to his Nice Guy (TM) entitlement when  it came to romance.

NOT TO MENTION THE HAIR

But over the last year, he’s finally become the real boy I always knew he could be. Quirky, but now mature. Nerdy, but capable of stringing a coherent sentence together. Able to use people’s real names. And in a romantic relationship with a partner and not an object of worship. Finally, we have a Spinelli I can live with!

If you expected me to lead with anything else, you don’t know me very well.

Well, this has certainly been an eventful week! I think it’s safe to say today featured one of the most moving visuals in recent memory. No, not Lulu tearfully collapsing in Dante’s arms after being forced to give up their baby. Don’t be silly.

This is something much more important:

SUPER CUTE HAIR ALERT

You guys! YOU GUYS. Do you realize how long I’ve been waiting for this day? Nine years. Nine freaking years for Rebecca Herbst to cut her hair.

(Some of you may be thinking that it’s a little sad for a person to be that invested in a stranger’s hairstyle. And to those people, I say: yes. Yes, it is.) (Also: shut up your face.)

And boom goes the dynamite.

Is there an obscure German word for the feeling of mixed dread and satisfaction? Because I think it would be useful for describing the last two days on this show. Lacking that, I guess I’ll just let Ian Buchanan’s magnificent face give a visual demonstration of the way I felt while watching:

HALF WINCE/HALF INTERNALLY CRYING FOREVER

First up: after Brad took approximately five million years to spit out his secret (and LOL that his idea of a good deed was to ruin four strangers’ lives with a secret that wasn’t his own, as opposed to, I don’t know… spilling the real truth about Britt’s baby daddy? OH BRAD) the Maxie/Lulu/Dante/Spinelli fight to end all fights finally kicked in gear today.

And it got ugly. REAL UGLY.

You stay classy, Port Charles.

So, the saga of Morgan boning his mother-in-law continues to be the gift that just keeps giving. Every part is the BEST part — like Carly’s face! And Kiki’s face! And Michael’s face… as he resigned himself to yet another situation where he would be no doubt be the only adult in the room!

Which, of course, turned out to be completely accurate. I mean, Ava gets points for not shrieking or obnoxiously smugging it up (ahem, KIKI AND MORGAN). But she loses points for, you know… every single one of her other life choices up to date. Meanwhile, Michael gets extra feminist bonus points for reading my mind:

MORGAN: So what does that make Kiki — your reward? Because all that stuff mom and dad put your through, you deserve her more than I do?
MICHAEL: No!
MORGAN: Of course you’re not going to admit it, Mikey, because that would sound selfish. And we all know that you’re not selfish. I mean, you don’t have to be when everyone’s lining up to give you whatever the hell you want. Doesn’t matter if it belongs to me.
MICHAEL: Kiki doesn’t belong to you! She has free will. She can make her own choices!

Michael Corinthos, you are +10 levels of adorable. Even if you are running around acting like you have the greatest love of all time with a girl you barely know.

Two men, three women, and a baby.

It’s not often that I find myself applauding when Spinelli works himself into a righteous rant. Mostly because his righteousness is almost always balancing precariously on top a mountain of hypocrisy and selective amnesia.

But, hey… when he’s right, he’s right:

SPINELLI: You were afraid of losing me. So you lied to me about my own child?
ELLIE: Damian, you were in love with Maxie for years. And when she finally decided she loved you too, if you hadn’t been with me, you would have gone back to her. I mean, you slept with her when you thought I broke up with you!
SPINELLI: I thought you forgave me.
ELLIE: I did forgive you. I didn’t forget. And then, I told you that I didn’t want children, and we argued bitterly. So when Maxie revealed that you are the father of your child, I couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take before you left me for her. And for your child.
SPINELLI: That’s why you told me you’d reconsider having a family. You told me you were willing to have a baby because you loved me. But that wasn’t it at all, was it? It was because of your guilt. Because you were allowing Dante and Lulu to take my child and raise it as their own!
ELLIE: Damian I wanted to tell you–
SPINELLI: But you didn’t, did you? Oh my God, Ellie. How could you do this to me? God, I feel like I don’t even know who you are!

I mean, don’t get me wrong: I still hate that this is Spinelli’s child with every fiber of my being. But those scenes were still pretty satisfying, if only for the novelty of Bradford Anderson getting to act his heart out without wanting to slap him because his character was such a douche. I’m not used to that!

Nurses’ Ball 2013: Day One

If I ever had the slighted worry that the 2013 Nurses’ Ball might not live up to its illustrious predecessors, those doubts have been laid to rest. Because Mr. Marbles aside, day one was pretty damn fabulous. (I mean, really. If you’re expecting much snark from me, then prepare to be disappointed, because that was 36 minutes of pure joy in a can.)

Acrobat nurses! Tributes to past RNs! Duke in a kilt! Alexis’ boobs! Brenda/Carly food fight!

(Also, everything about the red carpet announcer — from his casual background knowledge of every single character to his delightful dead-pan descriptions of Felicia the Aztec princess, Olivia the “prognosticator,” and AJ the “back from the dead ELQ CEO” — was so beautiful to me.)

Speaking of which, can we talk about how adorable AJ and Elizabeth were? Because girlfriend was working even more fantastic hair than usual, and the two of them grinning at each other in delight nearly did me in: