We’re gonna be on The Soup again, aren’t we?

Friends, viewers, countrymen… where to start with last two days? Let’s all just take a moment and think about the fact that with the ratings in the toilet, someone — most likely multiple someones — got together and decided giving Hayley Erin material in which she had to convey realistic human emotion was a good idea.

Really think about that.

YEAH. THAT HAPPENED.

On the other hand, if the show’s not going to be good, it’s nice that it’s at least hilariously bad? And I can honestly say I enjoyed the scenes of Kiki reacting to Silas’ dead body more than I’ve ever enjoyed any other scene with either of those two characters.

Another day, another reason not to care.

It’s so hard to care about anything on this show right now, you guys. Like, I really tried to care about Luke’s last episode? But since it was basically an interminable Luke/Sonny circle jerk — actual dialog from Luke to Sonny: “Port Charles is going to need you now” (!?!?) — with no tribute montage and no last scene with Laura because Tony’s Geary’s issues matter more than viewer satisfaction, I wound up feeling more irritated than nostalgic.

But if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s that I’m always here for a good Morgan tell off:

MORGAN: I do care about Kiki, okay? The last thing I want to do it hurt her.
SILAS: Then you never should have gotten back together with her! You never should have claimed to care about her! You never should have asked her to trust you when you were so clearly unworthy of her trust. You are a selfish, shallow, horny little brat, and you deserve to be screwed over the same way you’re screwing over my daughter.

Of course, Morgan being Morgan, he stayed apologetic for roughly 2.5 seconds before getting self-righteously angry and blaming his bullshit on everyone by him. But, hey! At least Silas got to go out on a relative high note! 

A tale of two incompetent hit men.

Nathan’s at the hospital, holding a flyer advertising the Nurses’ Ball. (Sponsored by Aveeno! Naturally Beautiful Results®) I would mock it more, but Aveeno products have been helping keep my Eczema at bay for years. (Aveeno! Harness the power of ACTIVE NATURALS® ingredients!)

Anyway, the ball is next Friday, aka tomorrow in show time. Which means we’ve got an entire week to kill over the course of one day. But it’s cool! I’m sure they have some really stimulating material to fill up the time! Speaking of which: Silas walks in and reminds Nathan that he used to be his brother-in-law. I, for one, am fascinated already.

Over at ELQ, Sonny swears he had nothing to do with drugging Michael. Which Michael knows, because he is not an idiot and has already jumped to the obvious and correct conclusion about the culprits. Right on cue: enter Morgan and Kiki!

Year of Suck Soap in Review: 2014

As usual, I planned to have this done by January 1st, and as usual, I completely failed that resolution. But better late than never, right? So, snuggle up on the couch with your favorite super villain, kids. It’s year in review time:

General Hospital 2014

NATHAN: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy? But you’re really hot… so let’s be roommates maybe?
MAXIE: Listen, you’re sweet, but I’ve ruined a lot of lives lately, and now I really need to skip town to avoid dealing with the fall out.
NATHAN: Damn. I knew I should have taken my shirt off before asking.

SABRINA: I can’t believe you told Patrick you were my baby’s father!
CARLOS: If it bothers you that much, you could always just tell him the truth.
SABRINA: Well, that’s obviously impossible. It’s not sweeps yet.

ROBIN: After two years of captivity, all I want is for things to get back to normal.
PATRICK: Let’s get pregnant. Right now.
ROBIN: Um…
PATRICK: Are you ovulating? Is there any way you can start?

NATHAN: Hello, DOCTOR MURDERER. Have you murdered anyone today?
SILAS: Do I know you?
NATHAN: What? No! Can’t a complete stranger just take an obsessive interest in a twenty year old case for no reason?

Songs in the key of crazy ladies.

If there’s one thing I’m already appreciating about Billy Miller’s Jason, it’s… okay, it’s everything. I appreciate everything about him. LET’S NOT BE COY.

But I especially appreciate the fact that he has more than one facial expression, and almost all of them are incredibly snarky. This is handy, because Elizabeth’s snark-ometer has been off the charts lately, too.

ADORABLE SNARKY BABIES

You all know that nothing makes me happier than soap characters casually explaining SOAPS! insanity to newcomers, so if Liz just keeps explaining the utterly bananas history of everyone they run into while Jason makes incredulous faces in the background, I’ll be pretty much in heaven. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.

All boring characters go to heaven.

Finally, an entire episode without Sonny, Carly, or Franco! I’m celebrating with a recap.

We open on Nikolas dropping Spencer off at camp. Spencer’s bummed about Alice, who was teaching him a sleeper hold, so Nik promises he’ll take him to see her if he’s good for the substitute counselor. Does this camp seriously only have one employee? Way to cheap out, Quartermaines. The rest of Lila’s understaffed kids are currently mobbing said new counselor, who is… Britt! Looking fabulous with a haircut and a purple t-shirt, I might add.

Morgan — filling this episode’s shirtless man quota — sits at the Brownstone, paging sadly through pictures of him and the Dominator arm wrestling. Okay, I’ll admit: that’s funny. Kiki comes down in her tiny sleep shorts and tries to comfort him.

Michael and Tracy fight over who should break the news to Alice that she’s not getting Rafe’s heart. Um, here’s a crazy thought: maybe her actual doctor should do it?

The enemy of my enemy, and all that.

Guys, I’m sorry about the lack of posts lately. Watching the show continues to be a struggle for me, mostly because I kind of hate everyone? (Well, everyone except Nate’s abs. LOOK, I’M NOT A MONSTER.)

But if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to make me like a character who’s either annoying or in possession of extremely stupid hair (or in Morgan’s case, BOTH) it’s that character bagging on someone I hate even more:

MORGAN: I don’t get that relationship. I never will.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, don’t look to me to defend them.
MORGAN: Yeah, but it’s not just like me and Franco, we don’t get along — like, the guy’s a freaking serial killer. How can she be with him?

Which is why I can’t believe I’m saying this, but: WORDY McWORD, MORGAN.

This entire conversation was basically gold, with Morgan practically straining something rolling his eyes while Michael weakly trotted out all the same old excuses, like even Chad Duell couldn’t believe he’d reached a point where his actual dialog amounted to: “he’s only technically responsible for my violent prison rape” and “a brain tumor did it!”

The bitch is back.

It’s hard to believe it’s been five years since we last saw Ric Lansing in Port Charles! (It’s also hard to believe he wouldn’t have come home to dance on Jason’s grave at least once before now, but whatever.)

YOU KNOW HE WANTED TO

When the news first broke that Rick Hearst was on his way back, I had three instant thoughts: 1) please do not let him be here for Elizabeth, 2) please do not let him be here for Alexis, and 3) please do not let him be here for Sonny. Because that is literally the least interesting thing I can  imagine.

In which chemistry forgives almost any transgression.

Just for the record: I’m still profoundly annoyed by the way this whole reveal has played out so anticlimactically, with half the town figuring it out on their own and then Julian knowing that they know. And it’s still way too much about Sonny and also giving me trauma flashbacks to the way all that Alexis and Jerry chemistry was criminally wasted when that reveal was bungled and rushed exactly like this.

But let’s just say that certain portions of today — mostly involving William deVry making that little helpless moan mid-kiss — were SUPER GOOD FOR ME:

ALEXIS: Why would I trust you?
JULIAN: You did once upon a time. You looked in my eyes… you walked out of that bar and into my car.
ALEXIS: Are going to seduce me now?
JULIAN: You tell me… [whispering] I remember you.

Is that man made of sexiness and magic? He must be, because one look from him with the eyes and the smolder and the “Carly who?” speech and I’m ready to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. (Although, honestly, it doesn’t take much acting to convince me someone could be wildly attracted to Nancy Lee Grahn, because… come on.)

Wait, what? Oh, whatever…

Normally, I’m not too fond of convoluted retcons of retcons. But when the original was as bad as the Franco Quartermaine nonsense turned out to be… I guess I’ll allow it? Especially if it means the powers that be have FINALLY realized this entire recast story was a huge mistake.

And really, doesn’t the son of Heather Webber and Scott Baldwin turning out to be a serial killer leave slightly less of a bad taste in your mouth than foisting that crap off on Alan?

(For those keeping track at home, this makes the third grown child Scotty never knew he had and the second one who turned out to be a bit of a psychotic murderer. Jeez, Baldwin. Did they not have condoms in the 70s?)