There’s something about Lisa…

… and that something is cracked.

I’m baffled by what I’m supposed to think about this character. And I know being baffled by something the General Hospital writers are trying to do is a daily occurrence and I really ought to be able to just let go and ignore the idiocy by now. But seriously… what is wrong with this woman?

I think I’ve been very patient here. I realize this may seem hard to believe, but I don’t actually want to violently dislike most of the characters on this show. I gave Lisa the benefit of the doubt when she showed up uninvited at every one of Robin and Patrick’s family events, and even when she talked of nothing but how wild Patrick’s player days in college were. (My GOD, did he drink BEER? And have sex? Sex with… GIRLS?)

And okay, her insistence that she had a right to be told the complete medical history of her college boyfriend’s wife and her weirdly entitled interrogation about their sex life was a little… strange. But I thought, hey! That’s just the writers’ typically ham-handed way of bringing up Robin’s HIV status in the least organic, most offensive way possible. They don’t mean to make Lisa crazy and socially inappropriate!

But then this happened:

SONNY: I’m sorry, we’re closed for a private party.
LISA: Are you the manager?
SONNY: I’m in charge.
LISA: Well, how can I get you to let me stay?
SONNY: Here you go. [Hands over list of alternate restaurants.] I’ve personally checked them all out. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
LISA: That’s very considerate, directing me to other restaurants, but I’m here now and so far, there’s no sign of this private party you mentioned. I don’t eat much, and what I do, I promise to consume really fast.

Who does that? First of all, why would you want to eat in an empty restaurant? That’s not only creepy, awkward, and depressing, but not really a good sign about the quality of the food. Second, why would you assume that the owner is lying when he says they’re closed? And even if he was lying, why would you call him on it? If he’s lying, he still doesn’t want to serve you, and he must have a reason. Who wants to eat a meal prepared by someone you’ve badgered and annoyed into serving you, anyway? That is a recipe for spit in your food, my friends.

I suppose I could just chalk this one up to the ritual parading of every new vagina in town for Sonny’s personal inspection. Or to the writers’ personal need to BREAK MY BRAIN by having Olivia show up in a jealous snit over effing Sonny while poor Johnny is having a serious angsty crisis (more on that below).

But that wouldn’t explain her douchey bragging about knowing the best resort in Puerto Rico, or her rude questioning about how a restaurant manager could afford such a nice house. So, enough is enough. Clearly, Lisa is horrible. She’s arrogant and obnoxious with everyone, strangers and old friends alike. She has zero sense of boundaries or appropriate behavior. She’s a smug, entitled hot mess.

Unfortunately that description could also be applied to nearly every one of Guza and Frons’ favorite heroines for the last decade, so you see my dilemma: are we supposed to like Lisa? Think she’s just “spunky” and “keeping it real?” Or are we supposed to loathe her as most people who don’t consider Carly the perfect model of womanhood would?

ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.

I’m kind of aghast that anyone writing this show actually remembered Patrick and Robin’s first wedding anniversary, much less cared enough to give them a celebration that was happy and loving. But someone did! And it was great!

Then, to top it all off, we got a love scene that was longer than two seconds! Involving cuddling, tenderness and the suggestion of actual nudity! Good golly, miss Molly!

Is it sad that when they do things like this, it just makes me even more angry that the rest of the show is filled with so much nonsensical and offensive crap? If they can write well, why don’t they do so more often than once every three months? Which brings me to this…

JASON: I’ve got a guy out there who’s crazier than anyone you’ve ever seen, so stop fighting with me! Stop giving him what he wants!
JOHNNY: Him? Franco?
JASON: Yeah, Franco.
JOHNNY: What the hell’s going on here, Jason? Huh? Some freak digs up my sister’s body and what? Holds it for ransom?
JASON: Yes, in a way. He wants to force me into a face off. The best man walks away.
JOHNNY: THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
JASON: I know it doesn’t make any sense!

Oh, good. I’m glad we’re all clear on that, because I thought it was just me. Also:

Dear Writers,

When you write a story that makes no sense, having the characters acknowledge said lack of sense-making does not mean your crappy, lazy plotting is okay. It just makes you look like even sloppier hacks.

Just a friendly FYI!

No love,
Me