Today, I successfully drove to work without killing any children. I know! I’m awesome and clearly deserve some kind of medal. At least, I’m assuming that’s the new baseline for SUPREME HEROISM judging by this preview:
On the other hand, I did need two glasses of wine just to get through yesterday’s episode, which — as you must know from watching Lulu down single glasses of wine while ominous music plays in the background for the last month — means I’m a total alcoholic.
For someone who’s really concerned about complete truthfulness in all relationship matters, Lulu’s also spending an awful lot of time lately lying through her teeth to Dante about wanting to marry him. I had some sympathy at first; he was in the hospital and his mother basically acted like getting engaged was his only reason to live… but it’s been WEEKS of her staring sadly at glasses of wine while he gives her potential outs and she still won’t even engage on the issue and I’m thiclose to reaching through the television and bashing her brains in.
Dear Lulu, like your soul sister in colossal matrimonial stupidity (aka One Life to Live‘s Natalie), please realize that NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO MARRY THIS MAN. No one! Sure, Olivia and Dante were both a little emotionally manipulative about it at first, which was awkward. But they’ve also both kind of caught your “subtle” hints (by which I mean the look of having to violently vomit your face assumes whenever either of them broaches the subject) and neither has had a heart attack from the shock and horror of you having changed your mind. So seriously, stop with the sad faces and the martyr routine and just have one effing honest conversation about your doubts. I beg you.
But enough about that! Let’s get back to the other Spencer drama of the moment: today in “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” Jonathan Jackson has revealed that his big exit story will be… abandoning his family and children to go back to Ireland forever.
Sometimes I like to play a little game where I imagine explaining stories on this show to a non-soap fan. It goes a little something like this:
ME: So, this guy’s wife left him a letter in the event of her death.
IMAGINARY ME: Was she sick?
ME: No. She just had a premonition that she would accidentally witness a mob drug deal and be murdered.
IMAGINARY ME: O…kay.
ME: Anyway, she leaves him this letter saying her last wish is that he go to Ireland and sleep in a graveyard.
IMAGINARY ME: Why?
ME: I don’t know. She’s Irish! They’re all weird like that. Or something. The point is, he basically abandons his two small children to spend a month sleeping in this graveyard so that some fucking fairies can give him a message spelled out in stones that tell him to go home.
IMAGINARY ME: Um…
ME: And THEN, his wife’s ghost shows up and tells him to listen to the message. Which, again, is to go home.
IMAGINARY ME: But–
ME: Which is all apparently in service of giving his father a chance to redeem himself for accidentally running over one child by heroically giving another one a ride to hospital.
IMAGINARY ME: …
ME: Yeah. I know.
IMAGINARY ME: So let me get this straight — his dead wife’s last wish was for him to leave his children and fly across the world so that her ghost could tell him to get his ass back home and take care of his damn children?
ME: Essentially, yes.
IMAGINARY ME: Because this son he supposedly loves but has barely had a chance to spend any time with is apparently deathly ill? But then in a couple of weeks, he’s just going to leave him again anyway — along with his other child who is still dealing with the loss of their brother — to go live with the ghosts and fairies in Ireland forever?
ME: Looks that way.
IMAGINARY ME: Why do you watch this show again?
ME: Possibly I hate myself?
IMAGINARY ME: Sounds about right.
It BOGGLES MY MIND that this is the exit they’re giving a character who’s “too important to be put on the backburner.” But apparently not too important to be shuffled off the canvas completely! And in one of the least logical, most insulting excuses for a story I’ve ever seen on this show, no less! (Impressive, given the competition!)
You know, it says a lot about the current direction of the show that rather than have Lucky interacting with Luke and Elizabeth in a story that doesn’t make everyone want to slit their wrists, they’d rather have him fucking around with fairies off screen. Nothing about that direction is good.
In other stories that make my soul want to die, it turns out Lisa really is dead, after all. And the PCPD is DEEPLY concerned with who killed her, of course. Because they couldn’t really seem to care less about one of their own being shot in cold blood, but this psycho serial killer who managed to terrorize half the town for a second time after escaping from police custody will get her justice, damnit!
STEVE: Murder? If someone killed Lisa Niles, it had to be in self-defense.
PADILLA: If it was why didn’t they report it?
I can’t imagine! Wait — hold on, I’m getting a flashback:
CARLY: Can we go now?
RONNIE: No, you’re going to have to come down to the station and make an official statement.
CARLY: This is why people don’t cooperate the police. Because they’re treated like suspects.
RONNIE: Did I use the word suspect? Motive, now that’s a word I can use.
CARLY: On what planet?
RONNIE: On the planet where you and Mr. Beefcake here are trying to keep the affair under wraps.
I think Carly’s expression here pretty accurately conveyed my feelings watching this scene:
(Maybe Cameron should be continuing his advanced degree in “Bitch, please” expressions under Carly’s tutelage while his mother is out of commission?)
Speaking of Ms. Webber, it’s been nice to see people not yelling at her or talking about what an awful dirtyslutwhore she is these last few days. And as many issues as I’ve had with Garin Wolf’s stewardship, I do like that he seems committed to acknowledging that Elizabeth and Jason’s relationship is a thing that, you know… actually happened.
I would love for them to have a real friendship again, and also for her to be there now for Sam as a sympathetic ear the way that Sam has been for her at various times in the last year.
Elizabeth also said some nice things about Laura, which (frankly) I didn’t think was allowed any more:
ELIZABETH: She was like no one else. She was an amazing mom, compassionate, loyal, fierce…
ETHAN: Sounds like you’re a fan.
ELIZABETH: I love her with all my heart.
Finally, today’s One Life to Life moment of zen:
TINA AND CORD! GOT MARRIED! AGAIN! (THEY REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME!) WHILE NORA AND BO AND SHAUN SNARKED AND TOOK BETS! (AWESOMELY) AND TINA’S VOWS! (SO PERFECT AND PERFECTLY HER!) AND CORD’S FACE! (SO ADORING AND ADORABLE!) AND PRINCESS DAVID VICKERS LOOKING ON! (AND EVERYTHING WAS PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS FOREVER, THE END!)
Also, Natalie and John had a dramatic airport reunion and even though I think they’re both kind of dumb and couldn’t really care less about their relationship, I flailed a little with the soapy goodness of it all. Nice job, show. Why are you the soap that getting canceled again?