Elementary, my dear Scorpio!

Call me crazy, but General Hospital has actually been taking baby steps toward sucking less lately.

Of course, for every step forward (couples who don’t hate each other, stories that revolve around the hospital, the most adorable karaoke number in the history of the world) there have been many, many steps back (the summer of All Sonny’s Children, humiliating Alexis, any scene involving Rebecca or Ethan).

BITCHY ASSISTANT D.A.: I’ll be replacing you. At the request of city council. They foresee a conflict of interest, considering your current…difficulties.

So…let me get this straight. Alexis:

• Was personal council to the local mob boss, with whom she has shared a child for either seven or sixteen years (depending on how you take Kristina’s SORASing into account).
• Has another daughter who was involved in a long term relationship with the number one hitman in town.
• Dated suspected terrorist Jerry Jax, and was involved in multiple murder investigations — as the murderer.
• Was arrested by her ex-husband — also the former D.A., and ALSO personal attorney to the mob — for using marijuana.

…and the city council had no problem with any of that. But now that they know she once slept with the mayor, suddenly they think there might be a “conflict of interest”? This would the same city council who didn’t blink an eye when Scotty Baldwin wanted to prosecute his own son’s murder, I presume? NOPE, NO CONFLICTS THERE.

You know, I have long since resigned myself to the fact that the legal system in Port Charles has absolutely no resemblance to reality, but the least they could do is make it consistently unrealistic. You can’t start bringing conflict of interest up now, writers. That ship has freaking sailed.

What really irritates me is I was actually enjoying those scenes with Diane, Alexis and Jason before the ADA showed up. The writers were funny! On purpose! I feel like I need to give them a gold star or something.

I don’t have anything to add to this photo, other than I remain shocked at how happy and sexy Johnny and Olivia are together. Obviously, this can’t last, right? I’m just going to enjoy it while I can, so I have something to look back on when she inevitably ends up with Sonny.

Excuse me, I have to go vomit now.

(While we’re on the subject of Sonny and Olivia, can we talk about how ridiculously miscast their son is? Lisa LoCicero is nine years older than her on-screen son. I know this kind of idiocy is par for the course in Hollywood, but it seems particularly galling in this case. And I like Dominic Zamprogna! He was Jammer! He’s much more charming than this stupid story deserves!)

Anyway, Johnny and Olivia are totally cute together, but I’m continuously distracted by the fact that her son looks older than him, and Sonny’s going to wreck everything. As usual.

Then let’s take the murder mystery.

It makes my brain hurt. This story is such a mess, and it’s a shame because if it hadn’t been marred by such a rushed, messy, and ill-thought out execution, I think it actually could have been compelling.

Example: Robin and Patrick’s continuing insistence that if they can only figure out who killed Briana, then the malpractice suit will go away. I don’t mind Robin putting her detective skills to good use. But the pretext that it’s necessary in order to save Matt and Patrick’s careers is ridiculous.

First of all, it seems to me that the issue shouldn’t be who murdered Briana, so much as what actually caused Briana to die — the injury or the treatment. In terms of the malpractice suit, it doesn’t matter if she got the initial head injury by accident or on purpose. The question is whether or not Matt and Patrick made a mistake while treating her, and that question can only be answered by a medical inquiry, not Robin playing junior detective all over town.

If their thesis is that Matt and Patrick would have treated her case differently had they known the full circumstances of her injury before going into surgery, then finding out who was trying to kill her — while an important matter for the police — still shouldn’t have any barring on the question of malpractice. The autopsy report should already have provided all of the relevant information: either the coroner has ruled the death an accidental one, or it’s been ruled a murder, in which case Matt and Patrick should be in the clear (assuming they didn’t make any other mistakes) regardless of who performed the actual head bashing.

Hey, I know! How about investigating this woman’s murder simply because she died while under their care and they feel a connection to her and want justice? Of course, that would involve treating Briana as a person instead of a plot point — a task admittedly made more difficult for the writers since we never knew her while she was alive, have yet to even meet this mysterious family who were ready to sue before her body was even cold, and have barely seen her lover, the mayor, since his initial scenes.

Speaking of Matt, he wrought something of a mini-miracle on Thursday: he got me to sit through an entire Maxie scene without fast forwarding. Hallelujah!

Here’s the thing: when Spinelli and Maxie first started hanging out together, I thought they had a lot of potential. Both were immature in different ways, and they seemed to bring out one another’s better qualities. But this whole mutual admiration society they have going now? Is repulsive. Instead of encouraging one another to grow as people, they’re stagnating and, if anything, becoming more entrenched in their respective eccentricities.

Also, if I have to hear the words “courtly love” one more time, I may have to spork my ears out.

Maxie’s conversation with Matt at Jake’s was the first time she’s seemed like an adult in weeks. And for once, the writers resisted the urge to make Matt into a smarmy, one-note hornball. Two character having a simple conversation about their lives and their feelings. Imagine that!

Why throw scenes like this out there if they’re not going to go anywhere? Is it just a tease to show that they are capable of writing a good relationship — they just choose not to most of the time?

I do not understand so much of what these writers do.