Emily Brontë is rolling in her grave.

You know, when I said I would happily watch Robin and Patrick play sexy role playing games all day long, hot pink drag queen isn’t really the look I had in mind. And don’t get me wrong, the whole situation with Louise had me squirming with contact embarrassment…

…but damn if this wasn’t adorable:

PATRICK: The Galaxy Queen has fallen into my trap. My slumber was a trick to lure you into a false sense of security.
ROBIN: I surrender, Earthling. Do with me as you will!

Hee!

(Incidentally, I kind of like Louise and would enjoy her actually becoming a friend to Patrick and Robin. They could use some adults to talk to! But if this turns into some sort of cheating story, I will reach into the television and choke a bitch, I swear.)

Remember when I also thought Molly’s literary references were kind of cute? Should have known the writers would beat that horse to death:

MOLLY: And I like you too. Underneath your gruff exterior, you obviously have very deep feelings for Sam. Kind of like Heathcliff and Catherine from Wuthering Heights.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Look, hasn’t poor Wuthering Heights already suffered enough indignities this year? Does it really need the added blow of being clumsily name-checked on this awful show?

(Wuthering Heights is actually one of my favorite books of all time. But since Catherine and Heathcliff were both deeply obsessive, self-absorbed, awful people who rained destruction on the lives of everyone around them and generally made each other miserable, I like to think that Molly comparing them to Sam and Jason was a clever and subtle insult on her part.)

Or possibly it’s just that no one on the GH staff has ever actually read the book. You know, whichever seems more likely.

So, let me get this straight: Dante and Olivia have been having the same damn conversation about him leaving town and giving up his assignment and blah blah blah for months. Finally, it appears that’s about to happen and we don’t even get to see him tell her about it? Or see her talk to him about the fact that Claudia knows the truth about who he really is? Because that’s not an important plot point or anything!

I do not understand why this show will spend hours on repetitive bullshit, but refuses to spend a single scene actually mining the dramatic tension they’ve set up when the story actually starts to move forward. Forget Soap 101, this is Storytelling 101!

Speaking of Dante, we finally got his big explanation for why he’s so hot to take down Sonny and the mob. (Because he couldn’t possibly just hate the mob because they’re violent, amoral criminals who profit off the suffering and intimidation of others. Of course not. Sorry, forgot what show I was watching for a second…)

I’m sure we’ll find out eventually that he’s been mistakenly blaming Sonny for the murder of his beloved father figure all these years, and that will somehow make it okay that Sonny regularly orders the deaths of countless other people. Because this show is ass.

Do you think Sonny ever gets tired of sucking so hard? I would, if I were him.

CLAUDIA: Maybe he needs to be on meds…?
SONNY: It’s more than anger. The real problem is the flashbacks.

Why thank you, Doctor Sonny! With your advanced psychological and neurological knowledge, you are clearly the most qualified person to be making that call.

You know there’s really something wrong when Claudia (Claudia!) is the only one actually making sense. Why hasn’t a single other adult in Michael’s life even suggested that maybe — just maybe — some therapy might be in order for this kid with severe mental problems? Even if he didn’t have the rage issues and the flashbacks to deal with, the stress of such a violent trauma and missing an entire year of his life should have been more than enough to get him talking to a competent professional.

(Which would rule out Lainey, of course. But still — there’s got to be at least one other therapist in town!)

Then, there’s this bit of parental wisdom:

SONNY: I don’t care about Kiefer. I don’t give a damn if you went off on that jackass.
MICHAEL: You don’t?
SONNY: He’s–look. I’m not impressed with him. It is Kristina’s first boyfriend, am I right? [Ed. note: FATHER. OF. THE. YEAR.]
MICHAEL: As far as I know. I mean, she’s never mentioned anyone else.
SONNY: I don’t like him. He’s smug, he’s self-entitled, and he’s bad for her, right? I can smell it.

Why did Sonny start talking about himself in the third person at the end there– oh, wait. He meant Kiefer. Gotcha.

(I’d love to think the writers were aware of the irony of having Sonny call out some other guy on being a smug, self-entitled prick who’s bad for the woman in his life, but I think we all know how likely that is.)

Then, of course, Sonny gives his brain damaged child with rage and self-control issues tacit permission to “take care of” his sister’s boyfriend if he thinks she’s not being treated right. Because I’m sure that’s what Michael needs: more excuses to violently take matters into his own hands.

Just so we’re clear: I’m not defending Kiefer here. He’s scum. But the audience knows things about him that Sonny doesn’t. And even if Sonny was aware that Kiefer was abusing Kristina, putting that on Michael’s shoulders is really not a stellar parenting response. I mean, what’s so damn hard about saying, “I don’t like Kiefer either. I want you to keep an eye on him and tell me and her mother if you see anything sketchy”?

Worst. Father. Ever.