Point of order, please.

I realize far more important things than this happened last week, like Genie Francis (!) and new Dillon (!!) and Morgan finally admitting he’s been a giant turd bucket (!!!) to Michael.

But can I just take a minute to deal with the latter’s father, aka Lord King Turd Bucket, and the incredible amount of bullshit that came out of his mouth on Friday?

SONNY: You know what, I’m trying to be nice here out of respect for Bobbie, and your daughter.
SCOTTY: Don’t! Don’t you ever bring up my daughter Karen! She would be Chief of Staff now if she was alive.
SONNY: I cared for Karen very much.
SCOTTY: No, you didn’t. You hooked her on drugs. You got two daughters — how would you like it if some low life like you hooked your daughters and then turned them out?
SONNY: It was an accident, Scotty! A random act of fate! But you couldn’t accept that. You had to blame somebody, so you blame me! You know why? Because you couldn’t look in the mirror.

If I can inject some 90s realness here for a second: sure, let’s extend the benefit of the doubt that Sonny did not give Karen drugs with the express purpose of turning her into an addict. I mean, all he did was give a traumatized teenager tranquilizers because she was having trouble sleeping after stripping in his club every night and constantly seeing her childhood abuser around town. How could anyone have predicted that would end badly?!

The Best of S&B: Prison Break!

Because my part of the country is currently drowning in snow and there is more on the way, it seems like a good time to revisit the Port Charles blizzard of 1994.

So let’s travel back 21 years ago, to the first time Sonny participated in a prison break! To set the scene: Karen and Jagger are about to get married, but his little brother Stone is still working for Sonny. Which was bad, because 1993 Sonny had been really into rigging boxing matches and sleeping with drug addicted teenage strippers, and K & J hate his guts. 1994 Sonny, on the other hand, was more interested in sleeping with non-drug addicted teenage girls, aka Brenda. But they’ve mainly just flirted at this point.

Oh, and Sonny and Luke are breaking Frank Smith out of prison and everyone has a double cross planned. Mobsters can really not be trusted, guys.

We open on Jagger, unconscious and in a neck brace. Steve’s examining examining him while Audrey looks on, although his examination technique mostly involves calling Jagger’s name repeatedly and it kind of seems like anyone could have done that? Whatever, Hardy.

Night of a thousand Carlys!

Another year, another anniversary, another recap. Before we get into it, I’m calling a moment of silence for Television Without Pity. Here’s to you, TWoP: there was a time when posting on the GH forums was the only thing that got me through some very boring days. We’ll always have our memories. And Demian’s magnificent Charmed recaps.

Onto this recap! We open in black and white, on a picture of Steve Hardy and other notables from GH’s past, hanging on a wall in the hospital.

A ghostly voice over the hospital intercom pages him, Alan Quartermaine, Jessie Brewer, Rick Webber, Jeff Webber, Leslie Webber, Noah Drake, Amy Vining, and Tony Jones as we pan across the empty hospital. Well, this is probably going to be emotionally devastating.

Right on cue: color and people return to the screen as Monica steps out of the elevator, telling us in voiceover that even though she’s dealt with death so often as a doctor, it never gets easier when it’s a loved one. Well, Monica would know. She’s had enough practice.

The Best of S&B: Oh, Canada!

Happy Sunday, everyone! We’re celebrating the 50th with another retro recap!

This time, the year is 1996: we’re a month out from Clink/Boom, and the Lily/Sonny/Brenda/Jax quad is fast reaching its breaking point. So, naturally, everyone decides to take a vacation up to the frozen north, where cuddling and desperate confessions will ensue:

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Since we last saw S&B in Puerto Rico, there’s been some trouble in paradise:

The Best of S&B: What Happens in Puerto Rico, Stays in Puerto Rico

It’s been a little while since we did a retro recap. But with the 50th anniversary coming up and Vanessa Marcil on her way back for another (hopefully much better) visit, now seems like the perfect time to revisit one of the most iconic arcs from the 90s.

(Also, couldn’t we all use a little reminder of why hearing Brenda’s name used to fill us with love and not dread? Yes, yes we could.)

So, hop in your time machines, kids! Because we’re going back. Waaaaaaay back to a world of pegged jeans, enormous soap opera budgets, and the pop concert/mob mixer of the century — where secrets will be revealed, revenge will be had, hair will be flipped, and hot make out sessions will ensue:

I’LL JUST BE IN MY BUNK.
YOU KNOW, FROM HERE TO ETERNITY.

Ah, yeah. Puerto Rico, baby. To set the scene, the year is 1994:

• Lois, Brenda, and their silent partner, Sonny, are having a big concert for Miguel’s triumphant return to his native Puerto Rico.
• Miguel — ex-Menudo heartthrob, hospital orderly, L&B breakout star, and hair-flipper extraordinaire — has recently been reunited with Lily, his childhood sweetheart and secret baby-momma, after previously being torn apart by her evil mobster father.
• Lois is on the rocks with Ned after discovering his double life (and second wife).
• Sonny and Brenda have been dating for a little while and are starting to get pretty serious, but he’s still trying to hide the more illegal sides of his business from her. Because Sonny, even in the 90s, made terrible decisions. He’s also looking to get out from under the thumb of Big Bad Mob Boss and long-time Spencer enemy, Frank Smith.

Got it? All right, let’s go — we open on a long aerial tracking shot of the resort complex in Puerto Rico. It’s very pretty! And not CGI! Or a sound stage!

I am slow clapping you, Ron Carlivati.

For those who — like me — were clapping your hands with glee during the AJ/Faison reveal yesterday (because you were sure AJ was going to go the obvious and tiresome route of asking Michael for evidence against Sonny) but who were also scratching your heads trying to remember how he would have known Faison by sight… remember Nancy Eckert?

No, me neither!

But remember Sly, Lucky’s worm-farming cousin in the 90s? Well, she was his mom, and she had an affair with AJ, who was a suspect in her murder. And so was Faison, who didn’t kill her but paid some other dude to wear a latex Faison mask in order to give himself an alibi:

Which Robert figured out, of course. (Also, Lucy was involved with the whole mess and now I’m wondering if she’s going to be pulled into this story too. UMBRELLA STORIES ARE MY FAVORITE, YOU GUYS.)

Ron Carlivati, I bow down to your knowledge of show history, sir.

Meeeeeemorieees! Light the corners of my miiiiiind!

Oh, Jason Morgan. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? And some infuriating ones. Mostly the latter. Frankly, if anyone told me back in 1996 that most of the next seventeen years would revolve around the trials and tribulations and miracles worked by this guy, I would not have believed them:

YES, THIS IS AN OUTFIT
JASON Q VOLUNTARILY WORE

(I still kind of don’t believe it? I mean, try saying this sentence aloud with a straight face: He kills people for money and is the show’s moral center. See what I mean?)

Anyway, I’m having kind of hard time taking Jason’s “death” very seriously. Mostly because I don’t like him very much right now? And he’s obviously going to pop up alive and well again the second Steve Burton changes his mind? I’m sure I’ll have more to say later about the convoluted and underwhelming retconny Joe/Duke/Bernie shenanigans that led up to his swan dive off the pier (and about Sonny diving in after him, which may have been the most entertaining and LOLarious thing to come out of this entire mess). Also, have no fear, there will be caps of Sam in that wetsuit, because, hello, gay lady here. These are things that need to be documented.

Still! I have some complex feels regarding late 90s/early 2000s Jason. And for good or for ill, his departure marks the end of a long era, and deserves some sort of eulogy to mark the occasion. So I’d like to take a moment to remember the important things, namely:

Don’t give me the whole seat. I’m only gonna need the edge.

I love the endless optimism of the ABC promo department. WILL JASON DIE, YOU GUYS? GOSH, I JUST DON’T KNOW! (I’m sure that you, too, will be unable to sleep tonight over this question, but try to contain your anxiety.)

On a related note: Dear Elizabeth Webber, you have the worst car karma in existence. Allow me to present the evidence:

2002: Injured lung in a car accident with Gia and Courtney

2003: Temporarily blinded after hit and run (Courtney… again)

The Best of S&B: Ain’t No Lovin’ Like Cave Lovin’

I’ve been traveling this week, so I suppose it’s possible that in the last seven days, the show’s undergone a dramatic change in quality, Sonny and Brenda have started setting the world afire with a well-written reboot romance, and all is right with the world.

But just in case anyone still needs to wipe the taste of their lackluster reunion out of your mouth… on today’s installment of retro recaps, we revisit one of my absolute favorite S&B moments of all time.

Oh, yeah. Strap yourselves in, folks. It’s time for cave sex.

First, let’s set the scene: The year is 1997. Brenda has been with Jax for a while now. Sonny is:

1. A recent widower (but not so recent that his interest in Bren is tacky)
2. Fighting to get Brenda back in a variety of less-than-subtle ways
3. (Mostly) not a douche

We open in medias res down in the catacombs. (Yes, Port Charles used to have catacombs. No, I do not know why today’s writers don’t make use of that AWESOME fact more often.)

The Best of S&B: Miranda Interuptus

When we did the first Sonny and Brenda post a little over a year ago, there were two major S&B moments that I couldn’t find anywhere on YouTube. I’m kind of a completist, so it was very sad.

Thankfully, ABC, in all its wisdom, decided to air both of those episodes in their entirety during all the pre-Brenda hoopla a few months back. So now instead of just clips, we get full retro recaps! First up: come on back to 1996, as Sonny brings Miranda to interrupt Brenda and Jax’s second wedding…

We open on Brenda wearing the puffiest of her many wedding gowns. She’s also frantically banging on one of the bedroom doors at the Quartermaine mansion for Jax to let her in. Which he does, despite it being bad luck to see her before the wedding. Oh, Jax. Old wives’ tales exist for a reason, you know. (SPOILER!) But honestly, he really had no choice. Not letting her in might have ruptured his eardrums, as Brenda screeches like a banshee when she’s freaking out. Also, check out how pretty she is in that dress:

(Jax, on the other hand, is wearing his 1996 hair, which I had forgotten how much I hate — so poofy! Ugh.)

Anyway, Jax is somewhat concerned, as Brenda’s wearing her serious face. She has something to tell him before the wedding, you see. Something she doesn’t want to say in front of all those people: she loves him. DUN!