Here we go.

Nope. Still not talking about Robin. BECAUSE SHE’S NOT DEAD, DAMNIT. Not with a body “burned beyond recognition.” And not leaving her daughter motherless in a random explosion that suspiciously echoes her own parents’ fake death. LALALALA ROBIN WILL LIVE FOREVER.

But that doesn’t mean Finola Hughes and Jason Thompson can’t still rip my heart out:

Thanks, guys! Appreciate it! I certainly didn’t need dry eyes while I was trying to cook dinner and pack for vacation last night. (Yes, I’ll be on vacation during the Mannings’ debut. The fact that I’m actually upset about this tells me I really need this vacation.)

In which I stick my fingers in my ears.

You’re probably expecting me to say something about Robin apparently being blown up in a freak toxic lab gas accident yesterday. Which I would. If she had been. But since I refuse (REFUSE!) to believe that they would really kill off Robin Scorpio — or that she could really be dead in the service of saving effing Jason’s far less worthy life — I’m just going to table that rant until we see how this plays out.

(But seriously, they are killing me with this crap. KILLING ME.)

In slightly less depressing news — you guys, you guys! Remember that time we almost lost Dante? (No, not that time he was shot in the chest… or that other time he was shot in the chest.) I’m talking about that time we almost lost his soul when he verged on forgetting Sonny is a self-absorbed, murderous hypocrite who only pays lip service to loving anyone other than himself and who poisons everything he touches?

Then on Friday, we got this:

Gimme Some VD: “All My Children”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Everyone went to fancy ball. And it was kind of awesome.

Montage! It’s the morning after the ball, and Elena — unlike a normal person — does not wake up and immediately stumble groggily to the bathroom to ponder the hilariousness of her bedhead as she pees. (Was that TMI? Sorry, readers. Deal with it.)

No, she’s already so perfectly perfect looking that she doesn’t even stop to brush the eye boogers away before first calling  Stefan (too busy brooding to answer)… and then Damon (still bitchy about having his widdle feelings hurt the night before).

Oh, and still in bed with Rebekah. Oops?

(I know we’ve seen it before, by the way, but this is the first time I realized how much I covet Elena’s bedroom, which is enormous and pretty and full of light, and features a comfy looking window seat that I long to curl up on.)

Anyway, Elena — not put off by Damon’s pouting over the phone — heads over to the mansion to talk things out in person… just in time to catch Rebekah leaving in last night’s ballgown. Aaaaaawkward!

Gimme Some VD: “Dangerous Liasons”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Stefan was a super, duper D-bag, Damon and Elena sucked face, Mommy Klaus was in the coffin!

We open with Matt and Elena in the hospital, updating us on Alaric and Bonnie, aka Sir and Miss “Not Appearing In This Episode”: Alaric is still healing and Bonnie and her mom are safe. (Elena and Matt, on the other hand, are being watched from behind some blinds and it is creepy.)

Caroline is also doing okay, despite her Dad’s death, but there still isn’t any movement on the case to find his killer. Elena asks Matt how he’s handling everything, which is nice since there really isn’t anyone around to take care of poor woobie Matt. He says that he counts himself lucky that he doesn’t really have to worry about any of this supernatural stuff. Oh, Matt. How I love thee and your sweetness.

Elena says goodnight and gets into her car. But as she’s backing up, her car hits something, and she jumps out to find… no one. But uh-oh, it’s actually Rebekah! She jumps Elena, reminding her that the dagger in her back was kind of painful. Suddenly, Elijah arrives and tells Rebekah to back the eff off. Rebekah pouts, but leaves. Elijah takes this opportunity to bond with Elena.

In which I climb onto my soap box a little.

Before I get to the ranting, there are three pieces of good news:

1) Rumor has it that as of this writing, we have seen the last episode with Garin Wolf and Shelly Altman as head writers.  Expect another gleeful post this evening if Ron Carlivati’s name pops up in the credits today.
2) Even with the aforementioned duo at the helm, the show still managed to pull of a holiday episode where no one was shot or raped! (Readers, I was flabergasted.)
3) And Grandma Anna’s back!

Taking that last first: yay, Anna! Even if I know she’s back for a story I’m going to hate, it’s still nice to see Finola Hughes’ delightful, toothy face hugging Robin. I didn’t even grit my teeth too hard at the recurring “Anna doesn’t want to be a grandma” joke this time! (Mostly because they managed to tone down the “Grandmothers = Old Women = DISGUSTING” implications. Yay, restraint?)

It also doesn’t hurt that she and NuEmma (who still cannot stop smiling during all her scenes) are totes adorable together:

And aside from Anna, the rest of the Valentine’s Day show featured some actual, old school romance from a couple who seem to enjoy one another’s company:

Another day, another mixed bag…

Okay. Like most human beings, I’m fairly tired of Maxie being horrible all the time. But I guess the upside is that after a long period of Elizabeth being the show’s whipping girl, we’re supposed to be rooting for her again, right? I mean, I really don’t know how else to interpret today’s episode, where we have Maxie vindictively trying to get Liz fired and possibly arrested  juxtaposed with Elizabeth expressing empathy for Maxie’s INSANE PARANOIA while trying to convince Matt to give their relationship another chance.

Also, a character on this show remembered a thing that happened in the past! Accurately!

MAXIE: Lucky was moving on, and she was desperate to keep him!
MONICA: You know, I remember several years ago, where Lucky was involved with some drugs missing from here. It was never resolved but he did admit that he coerced someone into getting those meds for him. I also remember that you were dating Lucky at the time and you were also volunteering here at the hos–
MAXIE: That was totally different!

Thank you, continuity fairy! Please visit again!

Gimme Some VD: “Bringing Out the Dead”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: ELIIIIIIJAAAAAAAAAAH! (What? Did something else happen?)

We open exactly where the last episode ended: Elijah’s awake and mad as hell. (By the way, I feel I should warn you guys that I totally love Elijah beyond all reason. Um, sorry? But look at his prissy little face! I just want to smoosh it and draw little hearts around it forever!)

Klaus looks nervous. AS HE SHOULD. They tussle a bit, in the process finally revealing the names of the final two originals: baby-faced Kol, who’s been daggered for over a century, and Finn, daggered for over 900 years. Jeez. Wonder what he did to piss in Klaus’ Cheerios?

Anyway, Klaus talks his brother down by dropping the bomb that Mikael’s dead. And he claims that the only reason the rest of the family is still all daggered is that he needs the mystery coffin back from Stefan first. (Having seen the end of this episode, I… still don’t get why? But maybe it will be explained tonight.) The upshot is that Klaus wants Elijah’s help to destroy Stefan. Elijah looks thoughtful. DUN!

They giveth and then they taketh away. While kicking you in the face.

If nothing else, the last week or so has proved what an incredibly easy soap viewer I am. (Not that there was really any doubt, but still…) Because even after all the virtual ink I’ve spilled lately bitching about the sad state of the Spencers, all it took was a couple of much needed apologies to have me sniffling like a baby.

First up: Ethan!

ETHAN: I realize I’ve been more than a little judgmental where you and Lucky are concerned. Basically, I’ve been an ass. In total violation of my principles.
ELIZABETH: You have principles?
ETHAN: Yes, I do. Live and let live. So I have no right to comment or even criticize your relationship with Lucky. I am truly sorry.
ELIZABETH: Oh, well I accept your apology. However, most of what you said was valid.
ETHAN: Not the way I said it, though. Look, I wasn’t here for what you and Lucky went through, for most of it. And when I showed up late to the party I just started running my mouth, so…

Wow. Um.. has Ethan been reading the blog? Because that was pretty word for word what I wanted to hear from him. First, he offers to come play fun uncle with Cam, and then he sincerely apologizes for acting like the world’s foremost expert on all things LL2, and then–then! He admits that he hasn’t gotten to know Elizabeth very well and she might actually be more fun than he thought. (Can these two be besties now? I would really like to see more friendships on this show.)

I would also like for Ethan to be involved in anything other than Cassandra. Who is apparently an amnesiac ASSASSIN now, because sure, of course, why not? (What I want to know is: does she kill people by trapping and talking at them in pretentious, dead-eyed monologues until they off themselves out of desperation to escape the droning horror? Whatever, I can’t even deal with the stupidity of that right now. Expect more of a rant later. FREE HELENA!)

Now, if only Ethan could have a similar revelation about his lack of understanding, re: Luke and Laura, we’d be golden.

Gimme Some VD: “The Ties That Bind”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Locked coffin of mystery! Also, Stefan is hiding Klaus’ family, Klaus had a million and one temper tantrums, and Tyler freaking bit Caroline.

We start this episode again in Bonnie’s dream. This time she’s in a cemetery by her grams’ grave, messing around with the mystery coffin. Klaus appears and taunts her about opening it.

And then finds herself locked inside the damned coffin! Ick. Scenes like that always make me feel claustrophobic. She screams and cries until it suddenly opens and a woman is standing over her.

I’m running out of synonyms for “HATE.”

So, I want to rant about this whole “shocking” “twist” of Claudia being Johnny’s mother, but honestly? It just makes me tired. (Can something really be considered “shocking” if people have been speculating about this being true for about as long as Claudia has been a character? And can it really count as a “twist” if half the major participants in the story have been dead for years?)

(Also, Gino Soleito? Really? At least we knew Trevor Lansing, and from their interactions before he died, it was clear some kind of sexual abuse had likely occurred when she was a teenager. But some random dead character from another show? What? WHY?)

Mostly, though, I want you to take a good, long look at this face:

This is the face of a man who’s just learned that his dead wife — who was basically sold to him by her psychotic, abusive father as part of a business deal — was also pimped out to another mobster when she was little more than a child, and then forced to let that same abusive psychopath take her own child from her and raise him as her brother while abusing him and banishing her from the house for years.

Basically, this is the face of a man thinking about the systematic rape and psychological torture of an underage girl.

(Recall, also, that this is the same man who thinks his own unhappy childhood entitles him to the unending compassion and empathy of everyone in his life, no matter how much they’re hurt because of him. Yeah.)

Sonny Corinthos, ladies and gentlemen: what a wretched fucking excuse for a human being.