Five Things About VD: “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me”

 

1. We finally see who’s hunting Stefan and Damon in the future! And it’s their mom! Only not really because Damon’s all hopped up on werewolf blood and hallucinating. We do get a quick blurry glance at the real mystery killer, and am I crazy or does she look slightly Elena-ish? Honestly, who the hell knows at this point. I’d be shocked if the writers even knew who it was.

2. Back in the present, Cute!Matt asks the most pertinent question ever: WHY IS ENZO STILL HERE? This is why you’ll always be my favorite, Matty. And then Enzo gets tranquilized by a team of mysterious commando hunter dudes and carted off in a cage and I’m sure we’ll never see him again! (Shh… just let me have this moment.)

Five Things About Vampire Diaries: “Best Served Cold”

1. Alaric and Caroline are engaged in the future. OKAY, NOW THIS SHOW IS JUST ACTIVELY FUCKING WITH ME.

Aside from the fact that they have zero chemistry — and possibly the most they’ve ever interacted was when he tortured her while he was evil — this is just gross. And I know that on a show where 35 years olds plays teenagers and characters celebrate their bicentennial birthdays, relative age gets kind of wonky.

But let’s keep in mind the fact that Alaric was Caroline’s high school teacher. He’s a twice widower and the adopted dad of her best friend. If we accept that age gaps like Elena/either Salvatore brother are acceptable because being turned into a vampire retards emotional maturity at the age of death, then Alaric is a grown ass man dating a 22 year old with whose emotional growth stopped at 17.

Five Things About VD: “Live Through This”

1. Bonnie and Enzo make out in the future. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. My sweet Bon Bon’s future lips have been besmirched by that smarmy dickhead. This is honestly one of the most upsetting things that has ever happened on this show.

They also get a snarky meet cute in the present to try to justify this heresy, even though they’ve barely spoken two words to each other before now. Truly, this is the darkest timeline.

Oh, and also Bonnie is in a mental institution and apparently made a mistake that cost her someone she loves. Since we’ve now checked in with most of the main cast in the future, that leaves… Jeremy? Maybe?

2. Damon/Valerie/Stefan road trip! Not as fun as a Bonnie/Damon/Alaric road trip, that’s for sure. But Stefan found out the truth about why Valerie never came back for him, and in typical fashion for this show, somehow that cancels out the fact that she’s a vindictive, murderous asshole who was torturing Caroline two days ago.

Five Things About VD: “I Carry Your Heart With Me”

1. Future Alaric has semi-creepy toddler twin girls! No mom in sight, but Damon does show up to flirt with/threaten him. They clearly have not seen each other in a long time, as Damon doesn’t have an invite and didn’t seem to even know about the girls. I guess that means that he’ll probably be desiccating himself within the next year in order for the timelines to work?

2. Back in the present, Caroline and Stefan tag team the murder lesbians to remove her vervain skin curse! And finally have sex with their emotions turned on! Go teamwork!

The murder lesbians also worked out some of their personal issues, which I would care about more if they weren’t, you know… murdering people left and right. Shut up, murder lesbians.

Five Things About VD: “Age of Innocence”

1. This week’s flash forward features perhaps the most tragic death on this show yet: Stefan’s beautiful little red car! Which he torches for… no obvious reason. How would that help him escape whoever’s chasing him? WHAT ARE YOU DOING STEFAN? Put it into storage if you’re not going to use it anymore. Jeez.

Also, we get a cameo from Tyler — hi, Tyler! — wearing a power suit and not wanting to deal with Caroline and Stefan’s drama. I feel that, girlfriend.

Five Things About VD: “Never Let Me Go”

1. So Tyler is apparently off with Jeremy now? I would kind of like it if everyone who leaves this show from now on gets a throwaway line about how they’re now off with Jeremy, until there’s basically an entire traveling circus of character cast-offs following him around off screen.

True story: I tried to save this cap as “Matt is dead
again” but I already had one with that name

Sadly, while his BFFs are off having adventures together, Poor Matty Blue Eyes is still stuck being the butt monkey of Mystic Falls. I so want this season to be a good one for Cute!Matt, y’all. And by that, I mean that I would like him to give all of these assholes the finger on his way out of town to a better, drama-free life.

Five Things About VD: “Day One of Twenty-Two Thousand, Give or Take”

In an effort not get completely burned out on these recaps again, I’m going to switch over to this format and see how that goes. Because, guys? I think this season might actually be good for me. I know, I thought that last year and then it all went spectacularly downhill. But hope springs eternal, etc.

1. So, Caroline and Stefan are still awkward and adorable! They’re also trying to be friends again but also unable to get past Stefan’s big confession of love. There is some sexy splinter removal, though, and in the end Caroline give this speech:

Five Things About Revenge: “Two Graves”

Oh, Revenge. We had a decent run, and then a terrible run, and then a mostly baffling run? I want to say I’ll miss you, but mostly I will miss Nolan’s suits. But hey, we’ll always have Aiden’s death face, right? (#alwaysmagical)

1. Okay, let’s start with the most important thing about the finale: Nolan and Emily did not make out even a little bit or platonically run off into the sunset together.  Which is clearly a tragedy.

The good news is we did get a nice moment and an Ems-intitiated cheek kiss. And frankly, if the intention wasn’t to convince me Nolan is hopelessly pining for her, then both the writing and Gabriel Mann’s facial expressions really, really failed.

Gimme Some VD: “I’m Thinking of You All the While”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Red wedding, VD style!

We open a surprisingly decent finale to a real mixed bag of a season on the first of many dream sequences. Damon is laying out on the road where he and Elena met, still dressed in his wedding finery. Elena walks up and asks how bad it is, but he deflects.

Meanwhile, back in the real world… it’s pretty bad. Alaric sobs, clutching at Jo’s body. RIP, Jo! You were pretty awesome. Meanwhile, Damon’s frantically trying to wake Elena up. But his blood no longer works, so he speeds her off to the hospital.

Five Things About Revenge: “Plea”

Holy crap, only one more episode to go! Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to be able to watch the finale for a week, so expect a delayed reaction to that one too.

1. Of course, Victoria’s alive after all. I actually thought she might be dead for real this time, but they wrote this finale before they knew for sure they were canceled, so I supposed it was inevitable.

Anyway, I am glad she’ll get to have a big final show down with Ems in the finale, because her remaining minions are just laughable. I mean, for God’s sake, Margaux —  if you’re going to be evil, at least be competently evil! Spilling the whole plan to Emily at the first threat of a sock beating? Weak.