Return of the camp!

Heyyyyyyy, guys. I haven’t watched this show in months because the real world has been depressing enough, frankly. But it’s sweeps now and things seem mildly interesting again?

Diane needs a stiff drink from the MetroCourt bar, because she’s about to go into court against a really tough opponent: Llanview, PA’s woman of the year, Nora Buchanan! Who, of course, is sitting right next to her.

hiiiiiiiiii, red!

Nina is frazzled and alone in the offices of a major fashion magazine, because only three people have ever worked there and she just fired one of them. Valentin swans in and hangs up her phone in the most menacing way possible. Like, the person on the other end definitely thinks the editor of Crimson is being kidnapped or murdered right now. He demands to know where she was last night. Nina’s surprised he even noticed, since he’s been so distracted by Anna lately.

Well, that escalated quickly.

I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Lord knows I’ve hated every moment of Scotty’s return that’s involved him panting after Laura like she’s a prize dog that might get away, i.e. every moment of his return minus one or two scenes with Lucy. So far be it for me to complain about the end of their marriage.

But… really? After pursuing her for years, including fighting her children for control of her comatose body, stalking her to Paris, and badgering her into a quickie marriage (because he and Morgan apparently attended the same school of “Marriage is the Surefire Solution to Any Troubled Relationship”) we’re supposed to believe he’d give up entirely? Just like that?

I got nothing, guys. The only thing I can assume is that Carlivati hated obsessive, possessive, stuck-in-the-past Scotty as much as I did, but felt he couldn’t do away with that characterization before at least addressing it. Because otherwise, the speed of that divorce just gave me some whiplash.

A little ditty about Silas and Diane.

I’ll just come out and say it: I hate Silas.

I don’t want to, because I love Michael Easton and I was so excited about him coming back to the show. But I really, really hate this character. I hate his glasses and his stupid ponytail. I hate his smugness and his arrogance and his inability to convincingly replicate anything approaching normal human empathy and emotion.

PATRICK’S RIGHT THERE WITH ME.

When he casually pronounced that Danny has cancer (and do not even get me started on where that is probably going) after a thirty second examination… and then just turned around and marched off without another word, like some sort of automaton? I actually laughed out loud. This guy’s barely been around a week and he’s already a parody of himself.

Ain’t no party like a Ferncliff party, because a Ferncliff party is full of crazy people.

Sometimes, friends, a thing happens on your show. A thing you didn’t really ask for and don’t really understand. And yet you just have to go with it.

SO MUCH CONTACT EMBARRASSMENT, OMG

I didn’t really watch Port Charles for a variety of reasons both practical and petty. (They broke up Karen and Jagger, those bastards!) Everything I know about the goofiness of its later years comes from general soap osmosis. And although that’s still enough to follow along with what’s been happening over the last week, I have had some pretty huge honking reservations about delving into alternate PC history.

And yet… it’s given us moments like this:

In which I pretend to care about anything other than that last scene…

You know, after his kindness with Liz the other day, I was afraid Spinelli had finally realized that people who work for hired killers might want to think twice about throwing stones around their great big glass houses.

But worry not! Because grief has clearly not dampened his capacity for self-righteous outrage after all:

SPINELLI: You manipulated the system so that he could escape punishment after causing Sam unfathomable grief? […] I’m only relieved Jason isn’t here to see what’s become of you.
DIANE: Well, you know you’ve sunk really low when the tech guy from the mob gets to question your principles.
TODD: Who cares what he thinks?
ME: AMEN, TODD.

Yes, thank GOD the hit man isn’t here to see Diane’s principles sunk so low that she would manipulate the system he held so dear to get someone who is clearly guilty released. We all know there was nothing Jason hated more than criminals going unpunished by the law due to fancy lawyering! Why, my stars and garters, he’s no doubt rolling in his watery grave right now at the very thought that someone might have committed an illegal act and not face proper jail time for it!

(Hey, remember that time Spinelli did everything he could to prevent Jason from having Dante murdered in cold blood because he just cared so much about the unfathomable grief Dante’s family and friends would experience? YEAH, NEITHER DO I.)

Oh, but what’s that? Spinelli’s hypocrisy wasn’t the most fascinating part of the episode? You don’t say!

They giveth and then they taketh away. While kicking you in the face.

If nothing else, the last week or so has proved what an incredibly easy soap viewer I am. (Not that there was really any doubt, but still…) Because even after all the virtual ink I’ve spilled lately bitching about the sad state of the Spencers, all it took was a couple of much needed apologies to have me sniffling like a baby.

First up: Ethan!

ETHAN: I realize I’ve been more than a little judgmental where you and Lucky are concerned. Basically, I’ve been an ass. In total violation of my principles.
ELIZABETH: You have principles?
ETHAN: Yes, I do. Live and let live. So I have no right to comment or even criticize your relationship with Lucky. I am truly sorry.
ELIZABETH: Oh, well I accept your apology. However, most of what you said was valid.
ETHAN: Not the way I said it, though. Look, I wasn’t here for what you and Lucky went through, for most of it. And when I showed up late to the party I just started running my mouth, so…

Wow. Um.. has Ethan been reading the blog? Because that was pretty word for word what I wanted to hear from him. First, he offers to come play fun uncle with Cam, and then he sincerely apologizes for acting like the world’s foremost expert on all things LL2, and then–then! He admits that he hasn’t gotten to know Elizabeth very well and she might actually be more fun than he thought. (Can these two be besties now? I would really like to see more friendships on this show.)

I would also like for Ethan to be involved in anything other than Cassandra. Who is apparently an amnesiac ASSASSIN now, because sure, of course, why not? (What I want to know is: does she kill people by trapping and talking at them in pretentious, dead-eyed monologues until they off themselves out of desperation to escape the droning horror? Whatever, I can’t even deal with the stupidity of that right now. Expect more of a rant later. FREE HELENA!)

Now, if only Ethan could have a similar revelation about his lack of understanding, re: Luke and Laura, we’d be golden.

Not enough WTF in the world…

This blog has been pretty quiet lately.

For my part, that’s because I’ve been pretty good about fast forwarding through anything that looks either boring or Sonny-related. And the rest of the show has actually been — dare I say it? — mildly entertaining. (No, seriously — Carly’s soapy scheming! Dante and Lulu continuing to redefine adorable! Jason and Michael’s ridiculous prison-time fight club adventures!)

But today, I accidentally caught Max’s heartfelt angst over his failure to Michael as a surrogate uncle. Well, okay. Fair enough. After all, during Max’s distinguished tenure as his bodyguard, Michael has:

– Been kidnapped
– Shot a woman and left the scene without even calling an ambulance
– Been shot in the head and spent a year in a coma
– Driven drunk
– Run away from home (twice!)
– Killed his step-mother because Max allowed her to kidnap Carly
– Been spirited away from Max’s protective custody to face trial
– Gone to prison for a crime Max was supposed to cover up

To put this in perspective: I am a librarian. And if I wanted to be as bad at my job as Max is at his? I’D HAVE TO BURN THE DAMN LIBRARY DOWN.

Rock on, Diane!

Man, Sonny’s mental age seems to be getting younger and younger:

Sonny: I need the cops to back off. They’re reaching out to Michael.

Well, I need a summer home on an island in Greece, to win the lottery, and to be able to watch you without having to constantly suppress the urge to vomit, Sonny. But we don’t always get everything we think we need, especially just by declaring it so.

Apparently, Diane agrees:

Olivia: And I won’t be responding to anymore directives.

Diane: I like her!

Sonny: You would. Thank you for that. That was nice.

Diane: What?

Sonny: I should dock your pay. (Ed. note: for cock-blocking?!?) What do you think?

Diane: On what grounds Sonny? Trying to protect you from yourself? Look, I’ll see what I can do about having Claudia declared legally missing. But I’m not kidding about this. You keep that wedding ring on your finger and remember that you are still technically legally married. So stop chasing Olivia or any other woman for that matter.

Sonny: Stop acting like my mother.

Diane: Then you stop acting like a hormonal teenager! Honestly, no wonder there is such a surplus of Corinthos progeny.

Bravo! Bra-fucking-o! I have been waiting for years to hear someone say this.

Diane is my hero.

The Alexis bashing tour is in full swing

Okay, I’ve tried to ignore how the writers have been treating Alexis lately, but yesterday was just too much.

It’s bad enough to have to listen to Kristina yell at Alexis and accuse her of running Claudia off the road, when we know she thinks she did it.

It’s painful enough to have to see Alexis accuse Sam of trying to frame her own sister for a crime to get on Jason’s good side, especially after all the crap they put those two through at the beginning of their relationship.

But yesterday…yesterday was just atrocious. I’m sorry, but Jax would not believe Alexis had framed a child for her crime, let alone turn her into the police for it. And Diane would not help him do this. Do the writers even watch their own show?

Less than a month ago, they had Diane trying to convince Jason to stay in jail to help Alexis out. Now Diane is going to treat Alexis as a suspect for this crime? Puh. Leeze.

Shame on you writers. Shame On You!

Characters usually act out of something called “motivation.” Diane’s excuse that she is doing this to support her client is nothing more than convenient. I call bullshit. Diane likes to win, but she is fiercely loyal and wouldn’t put her friend in that position.

And Jax…well Jax has slowly — but surely — become a horrible character. I liked him with Carly at first, but it didn’t take long for her to make him intolerable. If he is going to believe his stressed out, screeching, insane wife over Alexis, well, then they deserve each other.

I can honestly say the only moment I enjoyed this past week was seeing Jason call Robin in to help with Michael. And I kind of hate seeing him use their relationship, but at least the writers honor the fact that they had a past relationship and still genuinely care about one another. And it follows that either of them can sometimes use that past to overstep their current relationship.

All there is left to say is that if I don’t get some freaking Scrubs soon…there is no telling what I might do.

The best thing about watching this show…

…as of late, is listening to my husband’s Ethan impression. It’s something like a cross between the adults on Charlie Brown and a dying animal. And fortunately for me, usually accompanied by a hair flip or two.

For some reason, in recent weeks, he has been in the room with me while I’ve been watching GH. I think he’s amused by my yelling at the TV screen. He has even started asking me questions about the characters. I try to warn him that it isn’t worth the brain matter, but I guess when someone reacts in such a strong way it’s hard not to wonder what it is all about.

These past few days he has had to hear me scream things like, “Michael needs a foot up his ass,” “Oh yeah, Carly is a saint and Alexis is a horrible mom, sure,” and “Hey Sonny, Carly isn’t jealous of you – she just doesn’t want you to kill her children!” Gah.

As they started laying the ground work for Michael moving in with the Q’s, which is exactly what I had hoped for since I found out Michael was going to be SORASed, I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t really happen.

My desire increased as the story started playing out. The scenes with Jason and Monica were something my heart had longed for for about a decade. I have to admit, I may have teared up a bit.

Unfortunately, this great emotional scene was juxtaposed with Alexis getting browbeaten by her daughter and her bratty-ass half (step?) brother. I don’t believe in corporal punishment, but Michael seriously made me want to smack him across the mouth. And then watching him and Sonny commiserate over how horrible Alexis is as a mom just made me want to puke.

Now, I really wish I understood the writers’ thought processes, because the next Alexis scene we got had Diane come in and say basically what I was thinking. What’s with the double standard? Why can men sleep around and women are sluts? I’m not sure why they even throw that point of view in, since it is obvious that the show itself does not feel this way. Maybe it is the vigilante writer striking again. Anyway, stay awesome, Diane! You and Alexis should just run off and Thelma and Louise it around the country. Now, that is a show I would watch!

This entire escapade was bookended by Michael actually moving in with the Quartermaines (Did hell freeze over?), which ended up being very bittersweet. All I could think of is how sad it was that only Tracy, Monica and Edward live in that house. I couldn’t help but imagine how great that scene could have been with Alan, Emily, Ned and Dylan present. As much as I wanted this, now I kind of wish it didn’t happen because instead of being horrible and enraging, it is just plain sad and depressing.

So, to try to lift my spirits — and maybe yours — I will leave off with the only bright spot this week untainted by the past and present writing: